Defiance phase: ten strategies for parents – baby and family

Attention, throwing alarm! How parents recognize the heralds and skillfully boot out. These ten strategies help to calm down large and small defiant heads quickly

If the child wants to head through the wall with his head, parents have to stay calm

1. Show understanding

You pick up your child in the daycare. The atmosphere is relaxed. Then you say: "We’re going shopping now." The mood immediately changes: "No! I want to go home", your child cries, throws his jacket on the floor, grumbles and cries. How embarrassing, you think, how you feel resistance. Sentences like "I don’t let myself dance on my nose" then shoot us adults through the head.

That’s what Andreas Engel says, Educational consultant at the Federal Conference on Educational Counseling e. V .: Especially in public, parents feel challenged by their children in such moments to keep control now. This usually ends in a power struggle. The aggression is not against you, so do not take the tantrum personally. Your child is trying to let you know that they are tired and would prefer to go home. However, it cannot describe this feeling yet, so it gets angry.

This could help: Get on your knees, at eye level, and show understanding. You can explain to older children what else you need to shop for. It’s quick to get two things, you’d better postpone a large weekly purchase. In the long term, you could consider whether you should shop in the future and then pick up the child.

2. Be patient

Family outing to the zoo. You have barely left the cash register behind you and are headed for the monkey enclosure, when your baby discovers an army of ants. He is fascinated to see how the little crawlers run one behind the other and transport sand crumbs. Her calls to go on fall on deaf ears. You get more irritated, you haven’t paid an entrance fee of 20 euros for an ant family. The child counters: "But I want to stay here!". She: "Bye, we’re going now …" Your child starts screaming. The mood is in the bucket.

Andreas Engel says: Parents and children have different priorities here. The big ones want to see the zoo for their money, the child is fascinated by the ants.

This could help: Patience and a compromise. For example, offer: We are now watching the ants together, then we go to the monkeys. Squat down to your child, ask questions: What do you see? What do you think, where are they going now? You invest one pair Minutes for the ants, have a relaxed child and a peaceful family outing.

3. Regulate everyday life

Crap, 7 a.m. and your daughter is still jumping around in her pajamas. Zack, zack, but now fix. You have trousers, socks and a shirt in your hand and want to put your child on quickly. Only your selection does not meet with approval. Your daughter wants a dress. You are annoyed because time is running. You have to go to work, and there is forest day in kindergarten, there is no dress, you argue. However, the child refuses to put on the pants. They become loud, the child screams and bucks.

Andreas Engel says: Time pressure in the morning quickly leads to conflicts. The stress of the parents is transferred to the little ones. Most of the time, parents become violent and harm the child’s self-esteem. The reaction: resistance.

This could help: Think about how you can release the time pressure in the morning. If the conflict always arises when getting dressed, for example, look for an outfit with the child the evening before. Then you also have the peace to discuss that an excursion is due the next day and therefore pants and sneakers are more practical. Put the clothes on best Already in the bathroom, this saves time and does not unnecessarily distract your child’s attention in the morning.

4. Take seriously

"I can do that alone", your child proudly announces and wants to close the jacket zip independently. But it doesn’t work. "Come on, I’ll do it", say grab the zipper. The child protests, even beats.

Andreas Engel says: How do you feel when nothing works the way you want it to? If someone just comes and ends it? Very humiliated. The child is no different.

This could help: Take the child’s frustration seriously. Find words for what it feels. "It annoys you that the zipper doesn’t go into the slit. I can understand you well." Offer help: "Come on, we’ll do it together." Stand behind your child, run his hands. This is how you support it when doing it yourself.

5. Build bridges

They want to go to the playground. Your child rides the balance bike, with which they are really fast. You go on foot. Your child knows the way and wants to "alone" ancestors. They insist that it stays close enough to you so that you could stop it in an emergency if a car comes out of one of the many driveways. Your child doesn’t want to see that. A dispute arises.

Andreas Engel says: There is often a fine line between independence and overprotection. On the one hand you want to promote your child’s abilities, on the other hand you want to protect it from dangers that it cannot assess.

This could help: Offer your child shorter distances that they can drive ahead, for example to the fence post or to the lantern. Arrange a command that it will listen to and stop immediately. If this works safely, you can expand the ways. If you want to drive without restrictions, look for a place where there is no guarantee
Driving cars.

6. Simply distract

Quengelzone at the supermarket checkout – this is a stress test for you every time because you can never get past it without discussion.

Andreas Engel says: If you basically can’t get out of a situation, sometimes a small distraction can be the solution.

This could help: Choose a cash register that has less quengelware for children. And offer to help your child put the shopping on the treadmill. You can also make it a competition: who creates more parts?

7. Stay non-violent

Sometimes the fronts are so hardened that even the fuses seem to blow. Anger, despair, helplessness overflow, and it happens: parents slip their hand.

Andreas Engel says: Punishment or beatings cannot be a means to assert parental interests and bring a child to reason. Violence weakens the child’s self-confidence and self-esteem. It is about dealing with conflicts intelligently and creatively.

This could help: Never let yourself be carried away by your child’s anger. Take yourself or the child out of the situation. You can say that you are so annoyed that you have to leave the room briefly. If the escalations pile up, parents can find help at an educational counseling center (www.bke-online.de).

8. Follow the rules

Drawers magically attract small children. Stupid only when the most exciting taboo is. No later than the third no, there is a screaming alarm.

Andreas Engel says: Children need boundaries, they give them support. Basically, they test every time whether what was yesterday is still important today. The rules should be manageable and adapt to the child’s age and abilities.

This could help: Show your child what’s in the drawer and explain to them that it’s the mom-dad drawer. It remains taboo. If the child cries, comfort it, distract it. As a parent, keep your attitude clear.

9. React with humor

In the evening, scenes take place in many bathrooms that would be ready for a movie. The child is supposed to brush teeth, but it refuses with hands and feet against the toothbrush in the mouth.

Andreas Engel says: Brushing your teeth is a rule that parents don’t want to deviate from. But they are also exhausted from the day. Such a stressful situation quickly boils up and escalates.

This could help: Surprise you with something funny. Give the toothbrush a voice, let it dance. Humor often helps the child to give in and do something that it actually didn’t want.

10. Please comfort

Your child desperately wants to have a toy that is mercilessly overpriced. You don’t buy it. Your child is crying terribly.

Andreas Engel says: Children lack the foresight to judge whether the toy is good, bad or too expensive. Saying goodbye to the desire to have it feels like a heavy loss to her.

This could help: Show understanding. Say: "I can understand you well. You are infinitely sad." Be understanding, even if your child mourns the toy for days.

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Christina Cherry
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