Spotted an Error?
Anyone who has children knows the situation: sometimes want the small just don’t, what one asked of them. And when time is running out and parents lose patience, many are getting loud. Even if they actually didn’t want to shout at their children and even though they know that it is not good for their children.
If parents get loud regularly, the relationship with their children can be permanently damaged. Screaming also has a very negative impact on a child’s development.
It is therefore important to understand, why children sometimes don’t want to hear and what you can do as a parent to prevent screaming.
Exciting, but no time right now?
Know the child’s level of development
Parents often feel irritated or even provoked by their children’s behavior because they misjudge the child’s level of development. For example, very few are aware that children the milestone of a change of perspective only at the age of four to reach.
Only then can they begin to put themselves in the parents’ emotional world. "This means that the child cannot understand that a certain behavior caused him to get angry", says Danielle Graf, the author of the bestseller "The most wanted child of all time drives me crazy" and operator of the blog of the same name FOCUS Online.
First of all, parents should be aware that their child does not want to deliberately annoy them by not doing what they ask for. The reasons for their behavior can be very different.
Children strive for autonomy
One reason is the pronounced Strive for autonomy, that is innate to our children. This is important because otherwise they could not separate themselves from their parents and learn to make your own decisions.
This also means that they want to gain certain experiences themselves. They want and need to find out how to go their own way.
"This is very important for brain development, because neural connections are formed through different approaches", says Graf FOCUS Online.
"Children learn through constant try-and-error attempts. We adults often have very solid patterns of thinking and behaviors, which is why it seems so difficult to find alternative answers that we have known for a long time."
Graf adds: "For example, a child who throws the spoon off the table a hundred times doesn’t want to annoy us! It is just insanely interested in the principles of gravitation. Does the spoon always fly just as fast? Always in the same direction? He also flies down instead of up at the 200th time? We know the answers – our child wants to find out all by himself. It’s incredibly difficult to listen to our ‘Let it be’."
Parents must communicate clearly
Another reason why a child does not hear can be found in the parents’ communication.
"Children sometimes don’t hear, because parents don’t clearly say what they want", says Sascha Schmidt, seminar leader at the family counseling company "Familylab" and author of the book "Be a couple again! Complete togetherness despite child and work. First aid for working parents" FOCUS Online.
Because instead of saying what they want, they often tell their children what they want Not want. This can be a problem for very young children.
With the word "Not" they can’t do anything. "Your brain just filters it away", explains Graf. This is how misunderstandings quickly arise:
"‘Don’t run away!’ So children understand it as ‘run away!’ Therefore, in the autonomy phase, they often do exactly the opposite of what we say and are confused when we get angry."
Graf recommends that parents prefer to express their concerns positively. Instead of telling the child what not to do ("You shouldn’t pull on the cable!") you should say: "Leave the cable alone!"
It also makes sense, Formulate wishes in the first person form, justify them briefly and ask for something specific.
"Because of their desire for autonomy children would also like to decide for themselves when to do something", explains Graf.
"Therefore, you should not ask for things immediately, but rather set deadlines: ‘Homework should be done until dinner.’"
Preserve the child’s limits
In addition to the strong need for autonomy children also want to show where their limits are and have the positive experience that a shown border is recognized and maintained by the parents.
"If the kids ’defend themselves’ it is because they are either defending their own will and want to see how ‘serious’ the parents are. Or they just can’t because we parents are just crossing the borders of children", explains Schmidt.
"Defense against a jacket can also simply mean that the child is not cold at all. This childlike body sensation is defended against the parental border crossing. It’s a good thing!"
If children feel that their limits are being perceived and taken seriously, they will also endeavor to accept the parents’ limits and to cooperate with them.
A child who does not hear does not feel valued
If a child repeatedly violates the parents’ rules, even though they are clearly and positively formulated, there can be another reason for their behavior.
The child may not feel sufficiently valued by the parents. For example, because the parents do not see how often they want to cooperate with them.
For example, many children want to help around the house – allowed to but not because it often takes too long for the parents or creates more chaos than anything else. This is understandable for adults, but may be hurtful for children.
If the parents repeatedly refuse to help the child, it is very likely that the child will continue to cooperate.
"As long as children have the feeling that they are sufficiently seen and valued, they usually cooperate with us (so they ‘hear’)", explains Graf.
"So if children intentionally do not listen to us, possibly still grin at us, if they do the opposite of what they are supposed to do, it is in many cases because they want to tell us: ‘My attention memory is currently empty. I want to be seen by you more! As long as you don’t adequately meet this need, I will provoke you to at least get some attention. ’"
What to do when time is short?
But even if parents have a lot of patience and make an effort to understand the emotional world of their children, there are always situations in everyday life in which it is important that the children hear – for example, when things have to go fast.
Screaming often does not help, but only exacerbates the situation.
Graf has a specific tip: "Let’s take a step back and let the child take a deep breath, in many cases it will try to support us by hurrying.
But it wants to do this voluntarily, since it has a natural desire to cooperate. The more pressure we build, the more resistance we create at this point."
It also makes sense, the wish calm, appreciative and as non-violent as possible to formulate, says Graf.
Schmidt also advocates clear communication:
"In stressful situations, parents should say clearly: ‘I want you to put your shoes on now. Otherwise I’ll do it for you! ’And then – very important – take parental responsibility for it, that was time pressure. So in the evening: ‘I’m sorry that I got loud this morning and prevented you from putting your shoes on yourself. I’m going to make sure that we have more time in the morning. ’"
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