Emigrate with children

Emigrate with children

Moving to another country, with a different language, with a different culture? That needs to be considered carefully. This step has consequences, especially if you have children.
It is important to weigh this up carefully .

As parents you have the responsibility. But keep in mind: usually children find their way around the new environment faster than adults. They also learn the new language very quickly ‘while walking’. It is often sad when adults fail to restart, "because that’s not possible with the children". It may be that only your own indecisiveness is suppressed. The wrong consideration for children is then the justification to leave everything as it is.

If you want to go abroad and the child (s) are looking forward to it – then everything is fine. Problems can be solved while walking. If the question arises: will it go well with the children? Then we are at the same point: if you want to go abroad and the child is looking forward to it – then everything is fine. And if not? Then the most important thing is to find the meaning of emigration until you look forward to the change. Until you see a bright future thanks to the change. You then convey this vision to your child. A book about goal achievement and everyday organization are extremely valuable. And since there are very good books, I leave it here with the casual note.

From the section "Promote independence" (see below) there are some practical tips, a checklist and advice on details. It’s all good. I think it can help. just then when you really heed the brief hint from just now. If I repeated it appropriately, it would soon sound like a sermon. Nobody wants to hear. OK. So on.

Children go with or finish school in Germany

Most emigrants are in their mid-to-late thirties. If your child has two or less school years ahead of him, it’s tricky. Switching to another school system shortly before the end can be very difficult. There are two possibilities:

  • Moving with children, kindergarten or retraining
  • boarding school

Boarding school for self-employed children

That means temporary separation. You should only consider it if you have relatives in Germany and the child has a connection to them!

At the age of 15 I had given little thought to this step, which means: no longer living with my parents. I wanted to learn more to study. Point. Then I saw the new school, my room and the other roommates. I stowed it in two suitcases. I wished I could go back in time. "It’s only for two years. When I go on vacation, only 1 3/4 . ", I said to myself for a week or two. After that the ice was broken.

But mostly the children will be much younger and then everyone has to move.

Moving with the children: KiTas

As in this country, there is no 100% kindergarten guarantee in many other countries. Long waiting lists for daycare places in the big cities – that is everywhere. Use a vacation in advance to sound out and to reserve a place. Since you will be leaving in a few days, it is often easier to make an appointment. Plan a waiting period of a few months.

If there are waiting lists, they are usually sorted according to urgency. However, this can change from country to country and over time. What has been shown time and again: priority is given to this

  • Children with a disability
  • Children from single parents
  • Children from sick parents (share)
  • Children of working parents

Include the private day care centers in your considerations. Send your children to kindergarten in your new home, even if it couldn’t be done otherwise. In daycare centers, the little ones learn the language faster and are immediately integrated. As a parent, you can never replace that.

Moving with the children: the new school

Once you know where you will be living: contact the local school (s). Visit the school in advance with the children. Talk to the teachers. Your child will then see where it will go to school. This reduces fear and uncertainty. With the child and with you :)

Another tip: Take pictures of the new places and hang them up in the apartment. Then everyone sees them every day. The family then gets used to the new environment, everything becomes more familiar in advance.

Foreign school directory

The Federal Office of Administration has a current directory of schools abroad. Start your research here at BVA.

Promote independence

I just wanted this section "Promote the child’s independence" overwrite. Stop! We have the basic phenomenon that children imitate everything of their parents. "You can say what you want – children do everything anyway . " Hm. Then it’s not the first thing about you "promotional mission" to the address of the kids. But first about the question: How independent am I? Every development of the little ones can only start here. The most fruitful approaches for the whole family result from testing your own independence. Let’s think of the United States: haven’t immigrants always been pioneers? The challenges of a new beginning are best mastered by those who are independent by conviction.

How independent am I? That’s an open question. It is not a question of fulfilling (or determining that the norm is not sufficient). The point is to make yourself aware of how your independence and independence are distributed in the currently important areas. Nobody is 100% independent. Nobody is completely dependent on others. That may sound trivial until you tackle it specifically. Answer questions like the following:

  • Where do I want to rely on myself in the new environment for the next three months?
  • What do I want to learn by trying it out in the first six months??
  • How do I want to compensate for the lack of social contacts?

I think this will give you a more realistic view of yourself and the children in your new home. Now you can check the independence of the children and consider steps to improve them if necessary. Go through the checklist:

Checklist for more independence (suitable for parents and children)

  • Establish television rules with your child. Have the child write down the found rules. Reason: following your own rules increases your independence. By writing it down, this elementary fact remains.
  • Carrying out rubbish, vacuuming, tidying up your room, times for shopping, etc. are just as suitable for written regulations. Reason: Especially when the familiar environment is missing in the target country, such rules help to find a hold in the familiar.
  • Does your child have an argument at school? Injuries, bruises? Is it more aggressive at home than usual? Possible reasons: Too much foreign in a short time can not cope. The language barrier is too high, it cannot communicate verbally.
  • Has your child become too clingy? Doesn’t want to leave home, is shy, mainly looking for contact with parents? It can help him for a transitional period. Regular duties can help to overcome the inner emptiness and to connect with the environment. Also "little things" include: 1h before eating, take the butter out of the fridge or similar.
  • Do you know the new school from the inside? Classroom, foyer, gym. Otherwise, let your child show it to you.
  • Sit with your child when they are using their netbook, or together with their computer while they are surfing the Internet.
  • Watch him until it’s normal and okay for both.
  • Ask what it does, what it does. Ask what it knows about risks associated with using the device and on the Internet.
  • (Age-dependent) Create profiles together in the social networks.
  • Make sure that your child does not tell too much about himself. And make sure that it does not communicate too little. Otherwise his friends consider it closed. You see what is common when you look at his friends’ profiles together.

How I make it right?

That is a useless question; right and wrong is what helps or not. And "the mistake" today can be an important contrast experience for the day after tomorrow. Some counselors pretend that the parent-child relationship is a legal relationship where children have no idea about anything, but the parents are not allowed to determine this because it violates the junior’s personal rights. Such ambiguity makes it harder for everyone. You can hardly increase trust in your child if you pretend to have privacy where your idea of ​​a family is neglected.

Building blocks for a fresh start

The following comes from a separate parent’s guide. And it also suits new immigrants because they have just separated.

Don’t talk bad about your old life

The home was not bad. But it was (at least) good enough to live in it for 30 years (or how old you are today). If you condemn them, you’ll tear yourself apart. And your child will draw even stranger conclusions from it. The same applies, of course, if you glorify life in Germany. This is not necessary either. Something forced you to emigrate?

The best thing is, you strive to balance good and bad memories. And the best thing is, you keep reminding yourself that you yourself were responsible for your life in Germany and also responsible for the new phase of life. You can learn from mistakes and successes. And your child will thank you for hearing this perspective on life.

Ask your child how they feel

Perhaps initially every evening or (at least) one day a week. Just like you, your child tries to cope with the breakup. It dares to start again.

Ask open questions. "How do you feel?" is an open question. Avoid closed questions. Are you feeling bad? is a closed question. Are you all right? is also a closed one. The questioner then often unconsciously determines too much in which direction the answer can take place. It would not be nice if you attached your own concerns to your child.

Encourage your child to keep in touch with old friends

The social networks and apps help to keep in touch. Maybe you have nothing to do, except to finally get the internet running in your new apartment. Pronto! :)

Making calls is also not a problem with Skype.

Emigration is part of your life

Accept that. Communicate it to your child. Not: tell him, but tell him that it is going to be appreciated: emigration is part of our life! It is not meant to be a formal language exercise. Perhaps you are telling a story of emigration. Or your child sees them laughing when you come into the apartment and knows that everything is fine now.

Plan the future instead of struggling with the past. In the first few weeks in the target country, everything is fragile, strange, unknown. This makes you easily susceptible to self-doubt: why did I only come here? Why didn’t anyone stop me? , It doesn’t improve anything, on the contrary. Instead, ask yourself: What did I do tomorrow night? How will I continue to improve our lives tomorrow? Like the oracle in the SciFi film "matrix" to the baffled Neo said: "You will feel much better in a moment." Oh, and your child too.

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Christina Cherry
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