How to prevent relationship problems after birth
Relationship Horror Instead of Family Idyll: The initial baby luck quickly turns into relationship problems for many couples. You often hear sentences like “Since […]
Relationship problems after birth
Relationship Horror Instead of Family Idyll: The initial baby luck quickly turns into relationship problems for many couples. Often you hear sentences like “Since the baby is there, she is constantly in a bad mood. In bed, nothing works anymore. “Or” he takes my work as a housewife and mother for granted. “
The child is now the focus
No wonder a child fundamentally changes a relationship. Suddenly there is someone else who needs attention, wants to be cuddled and is in the center of attention. Between diapers and sleepless nights couples quickly collapse and forget that they are not only mother and father, but also partner and partner. In addition, the permanent responsibility for the child draws on the nerves and thus provokes arguments.
To reconcile family and relationship
As always, avoiding relationship problems after giving birth is the one and only talking. The birth of a child is a complete new situation for her as well as for him, raising many questions and fears. It is therefore important to convey one another’s needs, to try to respond to one another and to understand one’s point of view. First of all you should know: These problems are completely normal and occur in most new parents. So you do not need to be ashamed to talk about relationship issues or confess uncertainties. It is important that you recognize the causes.
He feels neglected
Many men feel that their wife has lost interest in them. The reason for this is the close connection the women make through pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding to their child. This is often perceived as exclusionary and hurtful by men, and can quickly lead to intense jealousy: they not only feel that they are not taken seriously in their role as fathers, but also as partners they are physically and emotionally neglected.
Problem of sexual rejection
His perspective: “She does not find me attractive anymore”
Especially the missing sex often becomes a relationship problem. If everything went well before the pregnancy, then the sexual desire of the mothers seems to have vanished. Their rejection violates the partner and can quickly lead to misunderstandings: Many men seek the fault with themselves, are afraid to be attractive or interesting enough and quickly start to question the future of the relationship.
Her perspective: “He does not understand that I’m overworked”
Sloppy shirts, dark circles as unsexy as shortly after birth, a woman no longer feels in her life. Add to that the sleepless nights of baby crying and the constant stress of not being good enough as a mother. Mixed with the hormones, these are not the optimal conditions to feel like having sex. Many women feel quickly annoyed and misunderstood by the advances of their partner. “He just thinks of sex and does not even look like I’m finished from work as a mother,” goes through their heads. After a day as a mother, they feel the need to talk and be understood.
At the same time, they do not feel comfortable in their body. The desire of the partner awakens in them to relieve the pressure and to look as fit as before the pregnancy.
Solution: Make sex a topic
Crucial is above all that the women convey to their men that the lack of sex is not permanent. Phrases like, “You’re just as attractive as before, but in the first few weeks after birth, I just need sleep.” Can work wonders. Otherwise, the rejection can quickly lead to men being afraid to ask about sex and getting the feeling that their wife has completely lost the pleasure of it.
In spite of the stress one should also become aware as a woman that time is also important for the partner. Of course, do not put pressure on yourself or your partner. It is normal for a child to take full advantage of one in the first few weeks. However, one should pay attention to it in the longer term, as weird as it may sound to give time for sex. Setting an appointment may not sound romantic, but makes sure that you do not forget the partner in the baby and everyday stress. After all, this can also be a good way to hide the stress of the mother for a short time and above all: to recognize yourself again as an attractive, loving partner.
She does not feel respected as a mother
Women usually do not crave physical closeness as much as they get it through the baby. For them, the lack of recognition becomes a relationship problem. “He comes home from work late at night, and has no understanding that I too am stressed. Then I get to hear spells like, ‘You talk well, you can stay home everyday.’ “Such situations make everyday life difficult for most mothers. They quickly become sensitive to their husband’s complaints, as they constantly feel that their work as a mother and housewife is not appreciated. Often hide behind their own fears, not to be a good mother. Your best friend seems to have a much better upbringing than you, and her husband never complains …
Problem of the father and mother role: What are my educational tasks?
Your perspective: sole responsibility as a woman
Being a mother is a 24-hour job, yet many young women feel they are less recognized as a parent than in their previous job. In addition, they feel that they have sole responsibility for the baby. Although motherhood strengthens the connection between mother and child, it also means that the man is less and less part of the educational process.
His perspective: fear to interfere as a father
He dares to say nothing more. His wife seems to have a better connection to the baby through breastfeeding and the long pregnancy and as a man he does not have the knack for education anyway. Not true, of course, but many fathers (by mistake) mediated by their wife. They feel that they have not built up the same closeness to the child and are at the same time uncertain about what the duties of a good father really are. Before they make a mistake, they prefer to hold back and leave it to their wife, who spends all day with the child anyway. Consequences are feelings like hurt, jealousy and self-doubt.
Solution: Parental leave as a man
No perfect parents have fallen from the sky yet. Everybody is a first time father and a first time mother and has to deal with this role in the beginning. Especially in our emancipated society it is important to talk about the tasks as parents together. Education is not just the mother’s job, but everyone should do their part. Despite the intimacy between child and mother, women should find a way to involve their husband in education. His restraint usually has to do with great uncertainty and not with disinterest. Phrases like “you can do that” or a simple “can you help me out?” Encourage the partner to be educated.
However, the man can establish a special closeness to the child if he also takes parental leave himself. In addition, he can understand his wife better and the education is balanced between the two partners. As a mother, you can also take a break and enjoy your time. This also makes the relationship good. Because: If you are happy with yourself, it is easier to have a happy relationship.
How do we educate our child?
The problem is not only the division of the educational tasks, but also the way: Does the baby get a pacifier? How do we feed our child? Such questions can quickly lead to heated arguments. In order to avoid this in the stressful beginning phase, couples should already make clear arrangements during pregnancy as a precautionary measure and inform themselves, for example by means of counselors, about educational methods.
In case of disagreements, the following applies:
⦁ No quibbling in front of your child: In the early childhood phase, babies are very much influenced by such negative experiences.
⦁ Parents do not always have to agree, as long as you talk about it objectively and you do not disagree about every little thing, that’s no problem at all.
Open to others
If you do not have the opportunity to talk to each other despite the tips, there is still the possibility to discuss your relationship problems with others. On the one hand, friends or family can help you with this. Be careful, however, if this causes you to compare yourself with others. Find someone who listens to you and does not try to impose his views on you. Often, it can also help to seek professional help. Possible contact points are psychologists, midwives, pregnancy counseling centers, family education centers or psychological counseling centers for marriage, family and life issues.
However, first seek the conversation with your partner to resolve relationship issues.
In most cases, however, it is enough to simply open the partner and to speak honestly about one’s own problems and needs and to be conscious of his task as a partner, despite his new mother and father role.
Clues for a clarifying conversation
Here again summarized, with which you should engage in a conversation about your relationship problems:
⦁ talk to each other about parenting concepts
Respekt respect each other in the role of father and mother
Sprechen talk about sexual needs and take your time
⦁ take time together: do something together without talking about education and everyday life
Treffen make clear arrangements instead of arguing
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