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Insatiable longing for child-free times, dandelions for mom

Insatiable longing for child-free times

"If you want, you can also have a few hours for yourself, we will then take care of the children in time!" When my mother-in-law pronounced this sentence aloud during supper, she probably only began to guess which bonds she would bind me with blew up. Children free. Time only for my husband and me alone. The doors of my inner prison were opened, the smell of freedom was already in the air. And yet there was something else. A feeling that gave me a big lump in my throat the next undisturbed moment and brought tears to my eyes. It was the knowledge of the finiteness of these child-free moments.

It was no different in the past. When we were still living in our old home, close to relatives, and Mini and Maxi spent time with their grandparents every Saturday. My husband and I then regularly had ten hours to ourselves. Time that we always spent differently. Sometimes we went on a long trip to a lake, on other days we just messed around on the couch at home or we used the empty back seat to buy some bigger things from IKEA.

In ten hours you can organize a lot, go for a walk or relax. And yet these ten hours were always too short for me.

"Darling, you’re always in a particularly bad mood after child-free Saturday. We just had time to ourselves! "

My husband found it difficult to endure the irritability that I displayed on Sundays. I admit that I didn’t particularly like my condition myself. Unfortunately, that didn’t make things any better, because the feelings were there and I just couldn’t press the good mood button.

Of course that was paradoxical. Especially since there are so many parents or single parents of small children who are not allowed to enjoy this luxury of regular grandparent care. Child-free on weekends is the exception rather than the rule.

"Can’t you just enjoy spending time with me?" My husband then asked.

Yes, I could enjoy the child-free condition. But only up to a certain time. When it was late afternoon, the thought of picking up the children slowly crept back into the foreground. We had to be back with my parents-in-law on time at half past six, so it was agreed. So we always had to keep an eye on the clock, no matter what we were up to that day. We were granted exit, but the prison cell snapped shut as always.

For me it felt like a painful slap in the face every time.

Not being able to finish the round of our popular board game, not being allowed to spend another ten minutes in the decorating department of the furniture store, not being able to watch another episode of our favorite series – the children were waiting for us and our parents for their own end of the day, their freedom.

Mini and Maxi didn’t make it easier for me either: “I don’t want to go home !! No, I don’t put my shoes on! ”And then bringing whining, nagging and howling children to bed gave me the rest. It was understandable that children of this age reacted to their grandparents after a nice day, but for me it was additional stress.

But even child-free evenings out of line when my mother-in-law took care of the children at home and we went out with friends left me with a bland aftertaste. When I got home I no longer had to worry about crunchy children, they were already sleeping. But these evenings were also finite. At some point the movie was over, the food was eaten or the last bowling ball rolled towards the cone figures.

"Can’t we have a drink?" I asked my husband more often longingly. "No, my parents are already tired and want to go home," he replied. He was right. And I was no longer entitled to unlimited, child-free fun. That’s how it is with children. My mind knew that, but my heart couldn’t understand it.

After the move, this feeling of longing did not haunt me for a long time. There was no one here by the sea who could regularly take the kids off us at the weekend, so it was out of the question for me to think about it. It was just that we no longer had time for ourselves as a couple and that’s it. It worked amazingly well.

Until the weekend when my parents-in-law came to visit us and my husband’s mother made us the irresistible offer. Children free. A few hours just for me and my husband. It was like going through heaven and hell at the same time.

When I get the opportunity to spend time without my children again, I still notice the insatiable longing for childless times. Longing for my completely self-determined life, not only at the times that kindergarten is open or the babysitter has time.

Regretting motherhood? In these moments more than ever.

But does that mean giving up the couple’s time with my husband, just because I’m afraid of feeling "afterwards"? No way! I feel everything as extremely sensitive, but also the beautiful moments.

So my husband and I spent three wonderful hours for two on the bowling alley, in the historic old town and with a hot drink in the only tea room far and wide, which had opened its doors on Sundays. And yet it stays that way: there is no time for me in which joy and sorrow are as close together as the child-free time for two.

I know from experience that all phases do not last forever. And so I trust that the times will come again when I can completely self-determinedly tackle my day and my activities the way I want to. At the latest when the children have moved out.

14 thoughts on “Insatiable longing for child-free times”

Joey says:

Hello Christine,
now I have to step out of the ranks of the readers again, because: this article has just made me laugh in surprise. Of course, all of this is of course not at all funny, but … I also had child-free yesterday, from noon to evening, and enjoyed the time very much and felt that I was able to fill up. I thought. Because today I unfortunately noticed myself very unpleasantly – through irritability, nagging and impatience towards the children and general inability to endure or hide external stimuli. I actually wondered a lot about it, because it was already thought and hoped that having a child-free time with my best friend would make me more balanced and happy for a while, and that afterwards everything would be easier for me at least for a while and more fun. Something annoyed me that this wasn’t the case today … until I read something similar about you! So it doesn’t seem so strange (and ungrateful), but it is somehow in the nature of things.
Tomorrow is everyday life again, everything will level off again :)
Best wishes
Joey

Christine says:

thank you for your feedback :)
Yes, sometimes it is difficult to recognize a connection at all. It was a bit of a shock for me at the time when my husband (after many Sundays) told me at some point that I was always in a bad mood after the child-free days. Otherwise I would probably never have been aware of it (or only by chance and much later when thinking about it)!
I wish you a good start into the new week (and yesterday I thought the same about the new everyday week ;-)).
best regards
Christine

Lea says:

I felt like Joey that I was brooding. I had noticed for a long time that I e.g. especially feel exhausting. But that has a completely different reason, because we don’t have children here on Saturdays or Sundays, we only have real family weekends here (mostly), which I’m actually really looking forward to on Fridays.
And sometimes then the afternoons that I have alone with the Lütten, even though he is with the childminder until 3 p.m. There are still a few hours before the man comes home or (as usually once, sometimes twice a week) does not come home before Love goes to bed.
It’s strange how the thoughts and feelings play like this …

Warmest regards (as always)

Christine says:

Crazy sometimes – everything as always ;-)
I think of you (as always) ♥

Claude says:

Amazing how I find myself in many of your blogs … – it really is not relaxing, it only really works for me when there is at least a night in between – which is then used well to go back to the old life with friends and partying – and even the hangover the next day is pure LUXURY, because no child wants anything and I just enjoy my freedom. my husband is always amazed at my energy on these rare days, without much sleep … – but without the two "third-party buyers" the battery is much more resilient …. I’m looking forward to reading more from you – have been inhaling all your contributions for a short time … keep it up! :-)

Christine says:

It’s astonishing what kind of energy is suddenly released that is otherwise hardly available in everyday mum life, isn’t it??
I am glad that you find yourself in so many of my blog posts and wish you a relaxed inhalation ;-)
Feel welcome here ♥

Schokominza says:

Huhu, it was hard for me to read this because I’m quite jealous. ^^ We want to look for a babysitter soon, but then you only go out to eat 2-3 hours in the evening, because that would be expensive enough. However, you also come to terms with the situation – e.g. I go often gone alone and so did my husband; we do things, but no longer together as a couple, but each for ourselves or as a family.

Christine says:

thank you for writing to me! Yes, sometimes I’m jealous of my old situation when we had support every week. In the meantime we would also have to rely on paid babysitters and you are absolutely right: Then it would be an evening from time to time in which you pay a lot (babysitting AND eating out or going to the cinema, …).
The solution that everyone does something for themselves, I think is good, that’s how we inevitably handle it now, but of course that doesn’t replace the couple time, which is also important. But spending time together on the sofa in the evening when the children are in bed is at least as nice to us :)
Best wishes!

Marie says:

Pooh .. what hard text. I hope that from time to time you may be able to learn to take a different perspective. In all the situations you describe, I always have the feeling that, no matter what a moment could bring (!), He has no chance of developing well from the start because you see him through the same glasses forever ..

Christine says:

I would say that I can recognize the value of a beautiful moment and that it also brings me a lot! However, he is (too) often covered by the melancholy of soon being over again. The change of perspective is not easy for me, in fact it has been a process for many years. I still thank you very much for your good wishes!

Sabine says:

Dear Christine,
I can understand what you are writing very well. I am divorced and have been a single, highly sensitive mother for over 5 years. Every two weekends I have “child-free” because my two girls are with my ex-husband. And for me, this child-free time is always covered by the simultaneous longing for them. It is so paradoxical: I long so much for these weekends, for the time for myself, for the rest. And then the weekend is here, the children are gone – and I get moody because I am suddenly so alone. I am totally torn, on the one hand to enjoy and recharge my time, but on the other hand not to sink into feelings of longing. Very difficult …
Best regards!

Astr >says:

Dear Christine, I read your blog very often and think it’s great.
I have left a post a few times and am asking you an existential question. I find absolutely no clues or similar questions on the Internet.
I am highly sensitive and cannot identify with the 100% mother role, and I am a single parent. Now I have a partner for some time, a wonderful person but there is a considerable age difference between us. But it doesn’t matter here. Now it is the case that every 2-3 weeks I give up my son for 24 hours and 2-3 times a year for 48 hours to grandma, grandpa or his friends. He is enthusiastic when it comes to his friends, but when he is with grandma or grandpa, he grumbles at first, but afterwards he always found the time great.
Now it is the case that I cannot imagine integrating my son into the relationship. Especially because I personally don’t want it… I need a weekend for me every 2-3 weeks !! I find peace with my partner, I can think differently and draw strength from it.
My family is now starting to work against it. They think I’m pushing my son away to look after my selfish needs. I would have decided to be a mother so I have to take responsibility for it. My son is said to suffer a lot. When I ask him, he says, yes mom I miss you but I also know you will pick me up again. And I know where you are and I am happy that you are having fun ….
I know because I feel that my son is not suffering … Of course he would like to have me around the clock and of course he would like me to be alone and of course he misses me too ….
But you can actually see that under #push off?
How many times is it okay for a single parent to leave their child with grandma or grandpa?
Is it actually dangerous for the child??
Do I harm my child in the long term from a psychological point of view? Or do I even help him because he learns to build trust and break away from me?

I have this discussion for the third time with my family and now I am really encouraged to look for another partner who can possibly also take on a father role … need….

Christine says:

Hello dear Astrid,

nice that you stop by again!
We were both already in contact regarding your dilemma, which is why I would very much like for you if one or the other reader had some advice for you.
I wish you very much that your family is more behind you and that you all pull together. That still sounds very exhausting!
Shut your ears up and trust your intuition!
Christine

Jessica says:

I came across your blog via the hashtag #regrettingmotherhood. I myself initially had problems getting on with my mother role, including horror birth, PND, etc., I’m also more of a sensitive person and make sure to have enough time for me, so I can understand what you do to a certain extent write in this blog.

As uncomfortable as it is, I have to reflect that your perspective is already a bit wrong. You describe the time with your children as a "prison". And not only that, this negative thinking then goes so far that you don’t even use breaks to relax 100% and enjoy life, but you also torture yourself with the fact that you will soon have to go back to "prison". And if THAT is so depressing for you, how do you only have to experience it when you actually "have to" spend time with them?

With all my understanding of the regret of the mother role, I have to ask myself whether you could perhaps benefit from adjusting your attitude at least as much as possible, so that spending time with your children is also something that you can enjoy ( albeit differently than time without the children) instead of something that you almost seem to be terrified of.

It’s clear that spending time with children can be nerve-wracking and sometimes boring, but what’s so bad about that? Yes, then you are annoyed, irritated or bored. That is normal. This is the case with all parents. Even the non-highly sensitive. You can take it well, even with a thin-skinned mind. I know because I do it every day.

And if it is as difficult as you are, there are techniques such as mindfulness, meditation, neurolinguistic programming and many other helpful methods that make it easier to get through but above all to reinterpret certain situations and prevent you from certain feelings and states of mind immediately negative, which often seems to be the real problem. It always sounds to me as if you have never tried any of these and instead, you are getting more and more into your fears and high sensitivity. It cannot be a good thing. I can only say again: if you panic when thinking about time (alone) with your own children, then something is wrong. I can only wish that you succeed in changing your perspective. For you and for your children.

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