May 31 yearning for sibling? Is a subsequent desire to have children legitimate at all??
"I’m glad you gave birth to a healthy child!"
"You are ungrateful because you are sad because you have no other child. What are they supposed to say who have no child at all! "
Do you know these sentences? Do you know this feeling that nobody understands you. Those who know about someone can still understand that someone wants a first child. And also the sadness that goes with it when the desire to have children is not so easily fulfilled. But then it stops. Anyone who has a child has to be thankful. Anyone who has one child (or several) and wants another one will hardly be understood. Often not even from your own partner … especially not from your friends and acquaintances and family.
And yet, especially in the past few months, I have increasingly worked with women who suffer particularly badly from not fulfilling the desire to have children. They suffer from the fact that their child does not have a sibling. Who worry whether the only child will have disadvantages in life. Those who can no longer stand to see so-called “multi-child families” (which is hardly to be avoided, even if every woman in Germany has an average of 1.5 children per child).
I have worked with women who are desperate – deeply desperate. Because they feel incomplete. Because they feel like they are using a cliché (á la "selfish goat – a child … totally spoiled … but she probably wants to continue her career. With a child it still works…. and it’s cheaper too …“Or variants thereof) to be confronted with, which they do not correspond to internally at all.
I talked to women for hours who threaten to perish under this longing for a sibling. Because the longing is so great, because they can hardly stand the prejudices and because they simply do not know how to deal with the "opinions" and strongly injurious sentences of the "multi-child mothers".
"You can’t know how exhausting it is with 2 children – you only have 1."
"But you have to be careful that ___ (your son / daughter) ___ does not become a spoiled only child."
"You have a child – be thankful for it. And relax. "
All of that is hurtful. All of this affects women so deeply in their souls … because they have to listen to something that doesn’t correspond to their truth at all. They crave for a sibling … had treatments, miscarriages, optimize their cycle as far as possible with the help of conventional medicine and TCM, homeopathy and naturopathy … because it has worked before (although often after a long struggle).
A non-event, a lack of pregnancy, cuts into the soul month after month … because this time not only you and your partner are affected – but also your own child, who (again in this cycle) has no sibling.
Cardiff University psychologist Sofia Gameiro found in a large study of 7,000 unwanted childless women that even mothers who can’t let go of their longing for a child can be severely affected by mental illness.
The study asked women whose first or subsequent desire to have children was not fulfilled. This can be read in the special issue of the magazine EMOTION all about the desire for children (here).
Sometimes I wish I could do magic. I would make sure that the sibling comes. That women can find peace. But that is not possible. Instead, I offer support with these coaches to these women so that they can better deal with what is right now … and what is so damaging to the soul that the supposed "family happiness" does not shine at all. Because it is often the case that what actually family happiness may be overlaid by the perceived grief for the missing sibling.
I work with the women concerned so that they can better deal with their longing … and that they can (both internally and actually) do something about the situations when they occur: when they are sitting in the ice cream parlor or in the outdoor pool and mothers are with them see several children … when they go to family celebrations and ask the "dear relatives" when the sibling is coming … when they have to endure the fact that their child asks why other children in kindergarten have a brother or sister – and not themselves.
We work together on what you can do – for yourself and your soul. But also how they can react to such direct or indirect injuries. This is something I can do – with very specific tips and methods.
And the nice thing is… the incompleteness as part of yourself will hardly go away completely; but it can be accepted as "part of me". Because if you are mentally stronger yourself, it becomes harder to get hurt. And these successes make me happy … and so do the women who so longingly want a follow-up miracle. Because they rediscover what is good in their life – even if it is a different life than what they want. That’s the nice thing about my work as a fertility coach: I can’t do magic … but I can accompany, support and help people to help themselves.
May I support you too? Then feel free to contact me – here is the contact form (click) … just write me and we will make an appointment.
We then talk about your topics on the phone … that Getting to know each other is of course free of charge! Together we will find out where you stand today, what is causing you problems … and then we will discuss which of my coaching offers is right for you … so that you no longer have to suffer as much in the future.
You don’t have to do it alone … you can get help. Incidentally, this is not only good for you – but also for your child. Because you become calmer again, have to play less … and over time discover how nice life can be with your child … even if you wished otherwise.
Your child is already here today – and deserves that you are also well.
So … you get in touch?
Do you write to me so that we can get to know each other? Click here for the contact form (click)!
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