Not the mom – why we decided against the crib
“And in which crib is Aric registered?” This question often came up after I announced my pregnancy. Now my son is 10 months old and I would have to take care of getting used to and getting a little nativity. Why I do not, you can find out now.
Even before I got the idea to get pregnant, I had only female colleagues who went back to work immediately after one year – each one for a different purpose. One was a single parent, one works because of boredom and one simply needs the monthly money. In the past, I did not think much about it – what everyone does has to be right?
Day x came and I got pregnant and for the first time I had to deal with this topic. My heart beat differently and for me it was clear: before the third birthday, I will not let this small and delicate being in the outside care. I’ll never forget the face of my husband – of course, a kid with a year in the manger, all do so. Everyone we know. A few months before the delivery date, everything was filled in – application for a child, application for parental leave and kindergarten application: for the summer of 2018. I can tell you one thing: today my husband sees it in a similar way to me, a baby needs his mum. With 1 or with 2 or with 3.
All one attitude thing
It is easy to write about this if you do not have to commit the care to financial resources. However, we would also be able to do it with less money – do you need two cars? Does my loan installment really have to be that high monthly? Do we need two holidays a year? It is often a matter of attitude and whether one is prepared to be able to put back his luxury for three years and want to.
But as soon as I get into discussions about this topic, there is always the East-West comparison. As if it would be desirable to give his child with eight weeks. When I think back to my childhood: by the end of elementary school, 80% of mums were at home. Latchkey children? There was almost nothing.
But why are you looked at today as soon as you say that you stay home for more than three years? How could the picture of the loving mother change in the direction of the lazy, uneducated, men-exempt and anti-social mother? The image of society has completely changed. To the detriment of the mothers, who take care of their children.
A consolidated image of society
In the media, of course, you can almost always see only the usual Hartz 4 families, Mama at home with four children and a smoky place. But what if you just like to turn your life around 180 degrees and feel the life right only with the birth of your first child? Shall I do a job for the perfect picture in society, get so low a salary in tax class 5, which I have to pay in large part to my babysitter? NO. For what? So I have to share at home and can not give 100% at work?
“I always look forward to my work and being separated from my child, after that I always miss my baby and am not so annoyed. I enjoy spending time with my child more than mothers sitting at home. “Or,” The educators can teach the child so much more than the unsuspecting mother who bored at home boring time around the ears “- my absolute favorite statements, when it comes to this topic. How can you convincingly say that a lady (who most likely has to take care of 15 children at the same time) has more to offer pedagogically to my child than me as a mother? Why is it so hard to admit that you would also like to stay home instead of presenting yourself as a superwoman and businesswoman? In my circle of acquaintances, I can count on one hand who can honestly admit that he would much rather spend time with his baby than with his job. Unfortunately.
I decide > What does more mean in the end: the unforgettable time with your baby or material things? Human beings are not designed to sleep alone, to eat alone, to be separated from their parents (caregivers) – and in no case before they can walk and talk. A child under the age of one finds himself and is very busy with himself: interactions with other children are therefore not crucial for the visit of the crib. I did not become a mother, so I see my child in the morning and in the evening – and only on weekends. For me it is impossible to understand and also not compatible with myself.
Other important points that speak for me against a third-party care are of a personal nature. I still stop Aric as needed and I can not imagine that we can and want to turn this off in the next two months. Furthermore, Aric is a sensitive person who is very close to me. Of course, one or the other will portray that as negative, but: you have an incredibly strong band – mom, dad, and baby. It is unthinkable that he and we will be happy with outside help. At the age of one, no baby has to leave. In the future, a sibling for Aric should also follow, so it makes little sense to put a baby in the manger and then later pull another big. For me, there is only one reason why my son comes to the kindergarten at the age of three at the earliest: small friends with whom he can play and romp.
If you have no choice
Unfortunately, for most parents the decision is taken by the state. ONE YEAR Parental Allowance, ONE YEAR is your job in the company made safe, day care daycare, full time schools – everything is designed so that today’s mother has to go back to full-time work. She has no choice. There was also another slap in the face: in 2016, the childcare allowance, which was paid from the first to the third birthday, was abolished.
In the end, everyone has to know for themselves how he wants to shape his life and live it, and he does not have to answer to anyone except himself and his children. Everyone has different plans and goals and lives a different life: that’s why there is no right or wrong. But I ask myself: is it really important at the end of our lives which great places we occupied in our career ladder or that we could experience the unique time of our babies? I have found MY way and am happy to make that decision and hope more mothers can have a choice at all.
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28 Thoughts on “Not the Mama – Why we decided against the crib”
I also stay at home, for similar reasons as you (too early, working for the nursery, no need to go to work, No. 2 in planning). So far, I have not had too stupid remarks about it. And if, meanwhile, I usually say “because we can afford it”, then there is often nothing left.
Live and let live…
Hello dear Elisabeth, many thanks for your comment. I once tested the answer – but in social networks. You can not imagine how big the Shitstorm was – everyone felt attacked – except, of course, the moms who see it the way we do.
I do not have a child yet and there is not any production in ^^. But I already know that I will work 2 days and spend the rest of my time with my kiddies. How so? My job is very important to me and fun. As a teacher, I have the advantage that part-time work is the norm.
A very nice written post! I represent the same opinion as you, except that unfortunately I have no choice but to work in the second year, because I could not delay the beginning of the training for more years.
The image of society remains the same and no matter how you do it, there is always something to complain about.
And I’ve never seen the state thing like that before, but you’re totally right about that as well. You’re under pressure, so to speak.
It is crazy how different our opinions are always and how much I have unknowingly opened you to the heart.
Johanna is about the same age as Aric and I was looking for a new job before she was born. Then she came and I was busy otherwise. Nevertheless, I still had the dream to do what I love professionally.
I admire every mother who fully focuses on her child. I have to say honestly that I can not do that. I love her, but the sole mother-being does not fill me personally. And since I have the opportunity, thanks to Dad, I will work full-time again. However, this time in my dream job with flexible working time model, home office and a childminder who cared for only a very small group of children. This is my personal perfect model … As you already write nobody knows better what Aric needs than you, because you are his mother. However, I also know for my pea that she has tremendous fun in caring. From where? Because we tested that, of course.
“It’s crazy how different our opinions are always and how much I have unknowingly opened you to the heart.” I can – which I find really strange – 100% sign!
I think I came across your Xing profile at some point and as far as I can remember, did you have a job in retail? So close to what I did: Handelsassent at H&M and later branch manager and trainers. I have this job (stupidly, I thought that you have to do with fashion – which, unfortunately, but zero is true) hated. By the way, for me, my blog is a ‘job’ (even if I spend only a few hours a day), without which I would sometimes go crazy. That’s why I understand that you need a balance. I think your concept is great, even if I’m not the fan of third-party care. But you also live a completely different model. Sometimes to the childminder, sometimes the mom who has time for the little one in the home office and a dad who is there. I think this rather: I go full time, child in the crib, in the morning to see short, in the evening see briefly and leave on the weekend (since you are a couple), terrible. Unfortunately, I know so many people about this strain. People who put their concerns far ahead of their child but also mothers who would like to stay at home and simply can not. You just have to have a choice and they just do not have enough people.
Oh, I really admire you, that this is the right solution for you. After 10 months with my first daughter, I had the feeling that I could not give her anymore! She was so ambitious and greedy for other children that I confidently gave her one year of care and I have never looked back! My second daughter is different, so I wanted to do it like no. 1 and am now on the rags. Maybe I will reduce the time of care a bit. Let’s see, a little time is still left!
Thanks for this great and honest post! I do not have children, but I have the same attitude as you and I think we will not do a little good to the little mice if we give them away so early. My mother was also working and I was lucky enough to spend my childhood with my grandmother. But honestly: I would have liked to have it differently and have my friends envied for their housewife mothers.
Yes, I always find that scary DISCRIMINATORY !!
The blag is not yours, dear mothers.
That belongs to itself.
I understand that you always feel very connected.
After all, you had it very close to you for a very long time.
A loving kiss of the father … Yes, please!
But full care? By a MAN??
Competently & lovingly – Is that even possible??
Since clearly the WOMEN bring the children into the world …
(by maiden production)
to this almost absurd idea,
that the birth mother automatically gives the best care, since she loves her child most (or best).
Now stings me – LOL – but that always burns on my soul – prejudices, dealing with children, self-discovery
My tone is a bit harsh … but most of the mothers I know are usually not so easily INTELLIGENT …
and it is very much in tune with the emotions that this theme awakens with me.
There is no parental allowance in Switzerland. The maternity leave (14 weeks) is not even 10 years … Fathers are entitled to 1 day vacation …
Unfortunately, there is no choice for many. We deliberately chose the kindergarten: https://mamarocks.ch/2017/02/28/kita-kind-stolz-darauf/
I’m honestly unable to understand how proud it is to give his child to the day care center. For me, the kindergarten is just a place for children to find their first friends at the beginning of school – no more and no less.
I think anyway, that you have to distinguish again because the kindergarten in DE is more like the kindergarten from 4 in the CH is built …
I always find it “sweet”, as the Germans are discussing this topic, whether with 1 or 3 years or, or … in Switzerland expect an expectant mother exactly 16 weeks of parental leave and those are AFTER the birth (before that, most work until Meeting). And if you want or have to go back to the old job, then after 16 weeks. I think it’s a mess! 6 months I would find the minimum, then at least the full-time of 6 months is guaranteed. Many women have to pump off the stressful job in the breaks, often on the toilet. Or bring the child to breastfeeding. Or just slowly breastfeed. Fathers have no right to stay at home for more than 1 day. Many then take a vacation, but more than 2 weeks are barely there in 4 weeks annual leave. Catastrophe! Parental or childcare allowance has never been available in Switzerland. The Kita prices are based on the salary of the parents and are usually so high that the bottom line is left with the least, if any. The financial is not even the reason to work again, but rather the “stay in it” or the “variety”, the “self-esteem”, maybe the social expectation …
Nevertheless, there are of course 100 different models between grandparents, reduction of paternal working hours for community caring, Nannys, childminders, neighbors, girlfriends, etc. For children staying at home there are groups of 3 years, the 2-3h, 1-2x die Week. And from 4 years compulsory education begins. At the latest then, in Switzerland, the children enter the kindergarten, which lasts two years. After that comes the primary school.
Honestly? I think that sounds so terrible. This is really family hostile!
Greetings and thanks for the insight Mom times 3 says:
Yes, we are backwards … until a clever solution is found … the mills just grind too slowly. Of course you have to look individually. There are gentle bosses who let themselves be talked to … companies that give more holidays. But those are a few exceptions …
For fathers, after all, just an initiative, but whether the is accepted: http://www.vaterschaftsurlaub.ch/initiative …?
I waited 8 months each and then slowly acclimated my children to day care / Kita for the minimum (2 half days). For me that was important because otherwise I have no reliable care, so even a hairdresser visit would have been difficult to organize. Since I work freelance and mostly from home (as a journalist and support consultant), it was just fine for me to be able to fix these two half days for appointments. The 8 months had to be because my children were breastfed longer full time. After 8 months, they got along well with complementary food while I was away and were otherwise breastfed – that was important to me. At the kindergarten here in the village I have a good feeling, my middle one was very happy (would go even more often when she was about 4 years old she even asked, but of course I had to reject). The big one had more trouble but two half days I found reasonable … we could not afford more. A half day costs me credibly CHF 74.- (without lunch). As a freelancer I do not get like employees a share of the health insurance premiums, which are enormously expensive here. Luckily, my husband earns a little more, but still we get along with house, car and now 3 children …
I can understand that with the two days, you need fixed days that you can promise. But these prices are still utopian – then you just work in the end, so you can give your child in a care.
Compulsory school attendance from the age of 4 years I already imagined as a kindergarten. But I think it’s really early “forced” already going on.
I think it’s really terrible that there is no help in Switzerland. This one year parental allowance I find in Germany really little – it can not be in the sense of the state that you can not look after your child.
Unfortunately, Switzerland is not a welfare state. The economy is more important … everywhere it is said that women have not been trained so well that they afterwards “squat at home”. That’s fine and right, and whatever she likes (I would not want to), but the same applies automatically to the man as well. There are only a few who actually reduce (want or even can, employers do not like to see that), and then take care of them at home. If you divide it (reasonably fair), fine. But both children daily full time in the kindergarten so that the parents can work (that would be the ideal for the economy!), I find terrible too.
I think everyone should decide for themselves and not the Staadt. I also have a high school diploma and a pretty good education (I stopped studying there then) – but I see my life very differently. Our children are only once so small, I like to stay longer at home. Forever it would be too boring for me, but these important years should receive more support.
Unfortunately, my husband could not take parental leave because he is self-employed. But in my circle of acquaintances, there are also one or the other family in which the father could not allow parental leave – the company would have given him a worse job afterwards.
Thanks for the contribution, you speak to me from the soul.
It’s really incredible what you have to listen to when the kids stay at home. Here comes especially from family and friends bland the kids but eeeeendlich belong to the kiga / crib.
My big (3) was actually in the manger with 11months, just because I thought it had to. Everyone else went too. He loved it, I suffered a lot. My job was not fun, I was unfocused, etc … Fortunately, as I now find :), was terminated after the first winter, because I had so often wg illness from the child u home had to stay and was just time inflexible.
One year ago our lodge came and with her I took the big one out of the care .. I just wanted to have my children with me. It was also unfair for him that the baby and I are at home and he is not.
Next year we will decide if the Lütte comes with 3 already in the kiga or still at home. The big one is looking forward to his last year before school in the kiga, so that e gets to know his classmates
My job was very important to me before my pregnancy! I always liked and worked a lot! Then I became a mother! My little star is now 19 months old and will go to the Krabbelstube at the age of two (Kinderfluippe in Österreich). Irrespective of the fact that I have to go back to work in March, I find it enriching for Phil to belong to a children’s group. Since I am very aware of attachment theory – I am a pedagogue – it is important to me that Phil is initially cared for only three days and only until noon outside of our family. I do not rule out an increase, but first I want to see how he is dealing with these new impressions and experiences. Thankfully, my remaining working time can be covered with childcare within the family …
If I could decide freely u would not have to work again due to external circumstances, I would like to stay home longer with my sweetheart! However, this does not change my attitude that I consider a timely external childcare as conducive.
If I understand your text correctly, the legal provisions in Austria seem to be different: until the second birthday of our children, we are entitled to an equivalent job and the right to parental leave if you have been with a company for a certain period of time, which means that you are legally entitled has to get a part-time job!
again you speak to me from the soul! Even though the article is already a few months old and I’ve just read it, I have the same opinion as you! My little mouse was not even on the way and I knew: if I will have children, then they will not go to kindergarten before their 3rd birthday. This has exactly the same reasons for me as you have + that it was not even allowed for me (I was born in 1993 and come from the Black Forest, from Obersasbach near Sasbachwalden) to take his child to kindergarten before it Was 3 years old. And for so many good reasons that I can absolutely sign! And another + if I already get 3 years parental leave from the state, why should not I take it? In fact, I also believe that taking care of one’s own mother is the best and a thousand times better than any form of outside help. And on the subject: social contacts so that my daughter finds friends I can only say that I meet so many times a week with many other mums and children that we can not find the friends weklivh not too short!
I have to agree with you that it is really outrageous with the one year parental allowance! Of course, there is the option of parental allowance Plus which means 2 years parental allowance, but also by monthly only half as much parental allowance as in the one-year model. Fortunately, we get financial support from the state so the job center, the social welfare office and the housing benefit agency. I think that’s really great. And the child benefit yes yes that every child is entitled.
With our jobs we are really lucky: my partner and I are both health and nursing staff and work in the same KH. We both got an open-ended employment contract right after the training there. That In any case, I get back to my job that I already had there before the pregnancy and my friend also, no matter if I come back after 1 year or 3 years or even later (if a second child should come during parental leave ). Since my friend and dad want to take our sweet Lea also parental leave, we have agreed that I make two years parental leave and he then makes 1 year and then only comes Lea in the kindergarten &# 128578; and not a day earlier &# 128578; So, with all our applications, we have also made the application for a kindergarten: on June 2019 (Lea was born in June 2016). Now my daughter is 16 months old and I’m still nursing her and am already scared and weak knees thinking that I’m going to work again after her 2nd birthday. But I know that she is in good hands with Papa and the best care. Before the time after their 3rd birthday, I’m even more scared, but I’m an optimistic person and believe that everything will go well and luckily there will be plenty of time until then and I’ll enjoy every second of it with my little darling! Motherheart says:
Oh how nice to be able to read something.
We have completely decided against foreign education.
My husband earns well and has great working hours. He is home every day at 14:30 clock. But starts at 05:00 clock in the morning.
Our daughters have only 14 months of age difference and already after the birth of my first daughter I realized that foreign education is out of the question for me.
We have the choice and made the right decision.
My Great is from next year already a schoolchild and my little one, follows a year later.
It was and is sometimes hard … but we still enjoy it.
The worst for me was always these really underground and hateful comments of other mothers.
And always this prejudice that children who do not attend kindergarten are socially neglected.
Yes, they do not have at least 14 other children around each morning.
But as compensation, we have attended courses from the beginning where they can play with other children.
We still do that today!
My two are great and well educated.
Unfortunately I can not always say that with kigakinds.
I often have the feeling that they are always on riot right away. Everything must be defended.
An educator can not educate so many children. Teach them values and propriety correctly.
I think that kindergartens are simply collective centers where an educator has to keep an eye on far too many children until their parents arrive.
But I’ve always kept that opinion to myself because everyone should live the way he thinks best for himself and his family.
Only one arrives at a point at which one of the collars bursts!
That happened once and I compared my children with the child of another mother.
My peers are in no way inferior to their peers!
Since then, I put on passage and smile only when the Ki dergarten is discussed somewhere and I am at the center of the herd of mothers.
I did not have any children to give them away, and certainly not if I do not have them financially.
I am a full-time mom and have a hard but nice job. My family!
I am completely honest. I think this text is terrible. And that does not necessarily mean that I do not agree with you. I think you are approaching this emotional issue with the same numbness with which the mothers quoted in the text assess your situation. On the one hand, it complains about the standard comments of working mothers against homeworking mums, and then to cite the standard phrases just as sensitively. I would like to say: there are more than just financial reasons to go back to work. For example, the pure fun at work. And yet, I would like to say, there are days in the life of every working mum on which you would rather spend time with the children at home time. It is important that you feel comfortable as a family at the end of the day. It is undisputed that both models are not always easy.
Of course you can find him terrible, but everyone has a different opinion. Let’s just get away from the financial aspect and say a woman would rather go back to work after a year because she enjoys it. Honestly? You only live once and if one of the jobs is so much more fun than helping your offspring in the first three years (THERE ARE THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT YEARS IN A LIFE’S LIFE), then I simply have no understanding. You can do it the way you want it, just like many other women. My concern is that maybe a few mothers who have not decided where to go yet will go for it. In the end you have to be clear then what claims you have on yourself. Mine are powerful against my children.
When I made it clear to my work from the beginning that I would definitely take two years off parental leave, the third I reserve (I was too embarrassed to take three immediately, because the looks were so damning) I immediately everything was negative enumerated.
On the career ladder, I do not get along so fast, so a long break, there you are out of the topic.
When I was (wanted) again after a short time Schnäzeze (I have never shared that, because many consider it a shame), the comments and looks were almost unbearable.
But why do I give birth to children then.
I want and always wanted to be able to give my values along the way.
The educators may give something to my children, which I do not support.
Since we also look financially good (not a luxury, but we live well), it never came into question for me and my husband other than me (not because I’m the woman and he the man, but because it is in my job just easier to reconcile) stay at home.
Nevertheless, I understand the cases where there is no other way financially and will never judge it.
But for us it was the only right way.
Hello my dear,
It is sad that you are rated negative as a woman, because you decide for the “education” of children.
For me personally it was the right way and I can say that I would recommend it to any mom.
I do not care how you do it, it’s always wrong.
I know a lot of mothers who have stayed with their children for 3 years at home and also those who are already the child with 1 year or even earlier regretted by others .
And one group mostly condemns the other group.
I had my child at 2.5 with a childminder and later it came to the kindergarten and in the afternoon he was again with the childminder, because simply my working hours were not covered.
And I’ve often had to listen to comments that I’m a bad mother. Especially women who did not have children. “If I have children, I’ll regret them myself” The end of the story is that most of them have given their child care services much earlier.
It should not judge anyone now.
I would have done it differently then, my life would have been different, with me there was unfortunately no alternative.
But the more important it is that today’s woman has a choice on how long she wants to stay home or not.
Or even if dad wants to be home or not. Every couple should make their decision, as it fits all parties and everyone is satisfied.
We as parents should stop judging other parents
I am very pleased that you have found a solution and I wish you a great family time
Thanks for the great contribution! You speak to me from the soul.
I still remember the looks of my colleagues when I said that I would apply for three years parental leave. And now that my child is born, I can say: it was the right decision! I could spend my little sweetheart so early anywhere for no money in the world.
Of course we have financial losses, but I always say Wo a will, there a way. Everything is possible. For me, I do not need a few years on vacation. I have time with my child for that.
I find it sad that it has become normal in our society to deliver their children so early.
Let’s see what this early care for others will have consequences for the children when they are older.
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