Separation: Children want to know how to proceed
Prof. Dr. Sabine Walper
The offspring suffers when parents diverge. How adults can make it easier for him.
For parents, separation may be a relief when their relationship ends. For children, it is usually a disaster. But bad grades, behavioral problems and your own partnership problems do not necessarily have to follow. The following interview is about how the negative effects of separation or divorce can be mitigated.
"Several years after the separation of the parents, we could not see any general disadvantages in divorce children compared to their peers who grew up in traditional core families," says Professor Sabine Walper. The psychologist from Munich accompanied a study over six years, for which children from all over Germany were interviewed in various family constellations. Based on this, she developed the course “Children in sight”. It is designed to sensitize parents to the needs of their children during a separation. We asked the expert what is important.
Wouldn’t it be better for children if their parents stayed together?
In fact, it is usually the case that children suffer more from the separation of the parents than the parents themselves. Nevertheless, it would not be better for the children under all conditions if the parents stayed together. Because a family life that is only a facade, behind which there is intense fighting, is very stressful for the little ones. On the other hand, what is part of life and also not a problem for children are occasional arguments. But you must have an end and a reconciliation. Constant nagging, criticizing rum and arguing between mom and dad – children can’t deal with that.
Does that mean that children can cope better with a clear cut??
Yes, but only if the parent’s decision is not completely unprepared. You must have sensed that everything is no longer harmonious with mom and dad. A long-term study from the USA has shown that separation is also more difficult for children in the long term if it has not been announced.
When is the best time to tell your child that mom and dad are separating??
Only when the two have discussed this with each other and agree. The two partners do not always assess the situation identically. A one-sided separation impulse should not be uttered lightly in front of the child before the separation is seriously decided. A couple – especially with children – should of course never jeopardize their relationship lightly, but always ask themselves: Where do we stand? Can we change something for the better or do we no longer have a chance? Only when it is clear that the separation will take place should the children be initiated. But not at the last minute either. There should be enough time for the child to get an idea of what his future will look like with the separated parents when he talks to the parents. For good workmanship, it is crucial that the child does not feel completely overwhelmed.
Specifically: How do I teach a four-year-old child that the parents separate?
The most important thing is that you talk to the little one, if possible. Tells him how everything will go on. Children need a lot of care and attention during these difficult times. You need someone who has the courage to address everything that is to come to the child. Many parents find this difficult. A separation often leaves you speechless. Most of those affected just manage to tame their own feelings. The most important thing for children at the moment is that someone sits down with them and says: "We have thought about it so and so, you do not need to be afraid." Because separation always triggers fear in children. They ask themselves: "What will become of me?" Especially in children there are also feelings of guilt and stressful thoughts such as: "Am I no longer important to my mom when she leaves us?" Even if it is difficult and costing effort to overcome Parents are now talking to their child.
What is to be considered?
Under no circumstances should parents make unilateral blame. This not only affects the relationship between the child and the accused parent. The tables are often reversed and the allegations have an effect on the person who originally raised them. A second important point: make it clear to the child that it is not the cause of the separation. This message is particularly important for small children, as they often see themselves as a problem for the parents and blame for the separation.
You should involve your children in the considerations of how to proceed?
In any case. Even with small children, parents can discuss what their needs are. However, they need clearly formulated alternatives. For example, you should ask: "Do you only want to visit Papa on weekends or even during the week?" Or "Do you want to leave your handicrafts with mom or dad?" want to shape another parent. If children have resistance and do not want to see the mother or father at first, you should accept that. Then it is better not to exert pressure, but to bring patience.
How do parents manage not to neglect their child despite the problems??
Most of them cannot do it easily because you need a lot of mental strength for yourself in this stressful time. If you notice that your head is not clear enough for the child, you may have the opportunity to ask another of the child’s confidants to keep an eye on them. So you can take care of yourself and then get a clear view of the child. You should also always take the time to experience something nice with your children. This is good for the child, the parent and their relationship with the child. But even this is not always easy if the grief and disappointment are still too fresh, because parents have to take back for the well-being of the child and, for example, sometimes swallow the anger over the ex-partner.
So that also means that you should continue to work together as parents?
If this is feasible without provoking new arguments and mutual injuries: yes. The aim of the ex-partners should be to establish a viable cooperation that makes it easier for both of them to continue fulfilling their tasks as parents. It helps a lot if the two value themselves as parents. This is usually very difficult, especially at the beginning of the separation phase, because there have usually been injuries. All too easily you tend to see the other person only negatively. How couples manage to leave this time of argument and, at worst, escalation, depends on the people involved and the type of injury that has occurred (on both sides). It is important that the two find their way back to the right communication, because you need this to be able to continue raising the child together. But the attitude of the parents towards each other is also important for the children. I wish all children that their parents can get along as unencumbered as possible. It shouldn’t go so far that a child later has to decide who to invite to their wedding, the mother or the father.
What tips do you give parents so that communication can work again?
Help respect, discipline and benevolence. If a parent has a concern, he or she should stick to that concern instead of "putting everything on the table" and keeping the allegations as low as possible. It is best to talk about your own needs and send so-called first-person messages, such as "I can’t handle it …" instead of "You already have …". It is especially helpful if you can show your appreciation to someone else when they have done something good – it is a precious "currency" in relationships, especially in this difficult time of transition.
A separation often means that one parent moves away: How can you keep in touch with the child??
A spatial separation is always associated with financial and time expenditure. The ex-partners must therefore clarify which arrangement is possible. For example, if the child is still very young, the simplest solution would be for the parent who moved to visit. The prerequisite for this is that the ex-partners can take so much contact. Otherwise it must be clarified how the child comes to the other parent. If children are older, it is quite reasonable – depending on the distance and driving options – that they commute between the parents. The parents should always discuss in advance what the child currently needs or maybe has to do, such as homework. Such a stay with the other parent should be mixed with everyday life and obligations, this signals normality to the child.
How long does it take for children to overcome parent separation?
That cannot be said clearly. Most have found a new balance after about two to three years. They then come to terms with the fact that the parents have split up – even if the parents have settled in the changed situation and have managed to resolve their conflicts.
source
Revised version of an interview by Barbara Weichs, Baby und Familie / GesundheitPro
Further contributions by the author here in our family handbook
author
Professor Dr. Sabine Walper researched and taught at the Ludwig Maximilians University in Munich until 2012. Since then she has been active as a research director at the German Youth Institute in Munich. Together with the Familiennotruf München e.V., she developed the course “Children at a Glance”. This was awarded the 2007 German League Prevention Award for Children.
Created July 23, 2008, last modified May 8, 2014
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