Separation of parents: this helps the child

When separated, parents are often very busy with themselves. But be careful: your child now needs them more than before. How to help your little one through difficult times

When parents stay in conversation with their little one, they find out what is troubling them

Those who separate usually change their everyday lives radically. Family celebrations, holidays, even meals at home will be different in the future. No one with whom you share experiences and worries every day. Nobody to make life’s big and small decisions with. Future plans need to be revised, shared dreams rejected and finances often reorganized. And then there are feelings like disappointment or self-doubt. It’s no wonder that many of them can’t get a clear idea at first. But what if you have children?

"Parents are often so busy during a separation that they leave their children in uncertainty about what’s going on and how to proceed", says Professor Dr. Sabine Walper, psychologist and research director at the German Youth Institute in Munich. However, that is exactly the wrong signal. "The greatest possible level of safety is crucial for children during the separation process." Parents should keep these six points in mind when dealing with a separation:

1. Do not dump feelings on the child

Children are not a substitute for adult interlocutors. It is important not to unload the grief from them, but to keep them away from them and to process them yourself. Otherwise, the child is under pressure to take care of mom or dad, even though it is very sad itself. It would be overwhelmed.

2. Make agreements and keep to them

Depending on their age, the child may have their own opinion about where they live and when they want to see which parent. A certain say can help to counteract the feeling of powerlessness that many separated children have. "Most want that their everyday life changes as little as possible", says Walper. Younger children, however, would overwhelm the choices. Whether or not to have a say – the following applies to all points: "Parents should stick to agreements", says Walper.

3. Stay in conversation

In the long term, regular conversations help the child to cope with the changed situation. For example, the parents are most likely to find out if the child is doing badly or is particularly unhappy about a regulation. "If parents keep in good contact with their child, they usually find the courage to address problems on their own", says Walper.

4. Notice changes

After a separation, the needs of the next generation often change. Then it helps if the parents react sensitively to it. Small children in particular often need more closeness after a separation. "For example, if the child could have stayed alone before, when the mom went shopping, it may be that she would rather come along now", says Walper. Younger people are at higher risk of developing fear of loss after separation.

On the other hand, older children are sometimes annoyed when their parents are too present. "Young people often seek support outside of the family", says Walper. "Nevertheless, parents should offer closeness." Even if separation children do not appear to be abnormal, they can be very stressed, according to the expert. "For some, however, the separation is a relief if there was a lot of argument beforehand. For many it comes as no surprise, anyway, they expected it anyway."

5. Take feelings of guilt

After separation, children often develop feelings of guilt. Small children in particular often relate things that happen in their environment to themselves. "As a rule, it is very important to children that the parents stay together", says Walper. "That’s why every child wonders at some point: What could I have done differently so that my parents would have stayed together?" The little ones then try to mediate, create peace, distract them.

Another factor: parents are often tense in the separation phase and overreact. Small children can get the impression that they are the reason for separation. Parents should therefore explain to the child briefly and succinctly why they broke up. "This gives them a plausible explanation as a counterweight to their imagination", says Walper.

6. Give time

How long it takes for a child to process the separation of the parents varies. "Most of the children have found their way back into the new situation after two to three years", says Walper. "But that depends on the child and, above all, on how parents organize the separation – whether, for example, they manage to resolve conflicts." When the family breaks up, it is always painful for the child. However, if the situation improves noticeably after the separation, many will find it easier in the long term.

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