Starting a rainbow family: having children as a gay couple

What do children need above all? Exactly, a loving upbringing. And it doesn’t matter whether the small of two […]

Starting a rainbow family: opportunities to have a child as a homosexual couple

What do children need above all? Exactly, a loving upbringing. And it doesn’t matter whether the baby is raised by two women, two men or a man and woman. The American study, conducted since 1986, shows exactly what rainbow flags and demos have been proclaiming for years: there are no significant differences between the development of children from homosexual or heterosexual families. A free ticket to start a rainbow family? Unfortunately, far from it. Despite scientific evidence and artificial insemination, homosexual couples find it difficult to have a child.

Children for everyone?

Adoption regulations for homosexual couples have been loosened since October 1st, 2017 with “Marriage for All”, but authorities and hospitals often oppose the desire to have children. There are hardly any practices that carry out artificial insemination on lesbians. And even though gay partners are now allowed to adopt a child together, the office prefers to choose a heterosexual couple. Here it becomes clear that a child with same-sex parents has only one disadvantage: discrimination. And that’s obviously a problem society needs to work on, not the homosexual couple.

High costs, psychological torture and external hostility: many gay or lesbian couples have to do all of this on the way to the child put up with. Nevertheless, every second married gay couple has children’s plans. But to what extent is it possible to have a child at all?

Artificial Insemination: The Insemination (IUI)

Insemination, also called semen transfer, is a method of artificial insemination. The sperm is injected into the woman’s uterus with a syringe. Usually this procedure takes place in a fertility clinic, but since homosexual couples are often not approved for treatment, we will show you here how this can easily be done at home.

Lesbian couples: home insemination

To produce a child, female and male sexual assets are required; but not sexual intercourse between men and women.

At home insemination, the woman introduces sperm into the uterus. This can either be done with a plastic syringe or with an insemination cap. Because insemination caps are relatively expensive, a menstrual cup can be used instead. It has the same shape and works just as well as the cap. Both are filled with sperm, folded at the top and inserted into the vagina up to the cervix. Now the cup returns to its original shape and sucks on the cervix. The sperm is thus directly in place.

Who donates the semen?

Wait a minute? Of course there is no magical way for lesbian couples to produce it. Therefore, they have to fall back on a sperm donor and thus also on their genetic material. If you plan to do a home insemination, this is a question that will keep you occupied for longer.

On the one hand there is the possibility to find a personal sperm donor. However, this is a challenge because a good friend is often too close to give up any claim to the child or feels committed to his own family.

Biological father and additional parent?

Gay men often team up with a lesbian couple to make them want to have children. If they are single, they often want to become part of the family themselves and raise the child together with the women, known as CO parenthood. This may be difficult for you to imagine if you want to have a child as a couple.

Since the home insemination is carried out without medical help, you have to clarify questions about maintenance and father-child relationship privately. The agreement between the sperm donor and to you are based solely on trust. So you have to be able to rely on the person. In addition, you should ask yourself: How do we want the biological father to be part of the upbringing? We want the child to have contact with his biological father?

Anonymous sperm donation

If you answer both questions with “No”, the sperm bank is probably the right option for you. This may sound a bit bizarre and scary to some at first, but it’s a good way to get closer to having children. The sperm banks offer clear rules for contact between child and father and guarantee infection-free, high-quality sperm. The donor’s data is collected in the sperm bank. From the age of 16, the child has the opportunity to contact them. Anonymity is usually maintained between the expectant mothers and the donor.

How does sperm donation work??

But how does a sperm donation work? After you have decided on a donor, usually via the Internet, you arrange a meeting on the day of the planned insemination. The timing is important because the sperm must still be fresh when inserted. The meeting point can be your home or a hotel. There you should offer the donor a relaxed atmosphere so that he can masturbate in peace. He can inject the sperm into a glass or plastic cup. After you have said goodbye to the donor, the actual insemination can begin.

Two women, one mother

However, you should have clarified one question in advance: Who is carrying the child? This decision is so important because the pregnant woman usually also takes on the role of mother. She is breastfeeding the child and will probably also build a closer bond with the baby initially. The other of you two is assigned the role of father. This may create a competitive situation with the donor or make you jealous of the bond that mother and baby have built through pregnancy and childbirth. You should discuss and clarify this beforehand. For some couples the mother is clear in advance, for others it is a big challenge.

Sequence of home insemination

Insemination must take place when the mother is fertile. You must therefore observe the cycle before the procedure and precisely determine ovulation. Now that you have the semen on the right date, all you have to do is insert the menstrual cup or syringe. Even if it doesn’t all sound romantic, it should be a nice, sexually exciting event. First, you are in the process of taking a crucial step in your relationship. Secondly, the chance of fertilization is higher the more stimulated the future pregnant woman is. When aroused or even an orgasm, the sperm reach the egg more easily.

It is therefore best to stimulate your partner after or during the insertion. This way you will remember the moment in particular and you can actively participate in the pregnancy.

Like heterosexual couples, you have to expect that it will not work immediately and that it will even take several tries. It can be nerve-wracking because of the effort, but the work will certainly pay off …

Gay couples: CO parenthood

There is no way for gay couples to father a child with their own genome together. Surrogacy is prohibited by law in Germany. One way out, however, is the so-called Queer Family. A child can be conceived through home insemination together with a lesbian couple. Sometimes there is also a single lesbian woman who is open to starting a family. This should not be confused with a triangular relationship. Here, too, the child is conceived by insemination in which one of the men initially acts only as a sperm donor. A joint education follows on the basis of mutual agreement. The difference to a rainbow family is that with a queer family, all family members, including the sperm donors, are homosexual.

The "Queerfamily" concept is practiced in Berlin by an initiative for gays and lesbians. Since more and more gay couples want to have children, the idea is now spreading nationwide. If this should come into question for you, you can meet like-minded people via “www.queerfamily.de” and possibly also the right fathers / mothers for your future baby.

Queer families cannot fall back on old role models. It is not yet automatically clear who will carry the child, who will pay the maintenance and much more. In addition, the child can have four parents, all of whom want to be involved in decisions. Therefore, many things have to be clarified in advance and there should be a certain sympathy between the parents. So far, this social construct has proven itself and who knows, maybe one day it will be just as common as a mother-father-child family.

Rainbow families don’t have it easy in Germany.

ROPA method

For lesbian couples there is even a medically medically possible way to actively participate in pregnancy: the ROPA method. First the eggs are taken from one woman and fertilized with a donor sperm in the laboratory. This is similar to in-vitro fertilization, which is also used in Germany for heterosexual couples. After that, the eggs are not used by the biological mother, but by her partner. This is how both contribute to pregnancy: one partner her genetic information, the other the birth.

In Germany, however, the ROPA method is prohibited due to strict legislation. If you want to fulfill your wish to have children using the ROPA method, you have to travel to other European countries, such as Spain. However, there is no guarantee of success here either, which is why the whole thing can be quite expensive.

Become foster parents

When adopting, homosexual couples often find it difficult to get through the selection process, but they are in high demand as foster families. The reason for this? Foster families have been urgently sought in Germany for years. The difference to an adoption consists in keeping the children in touch with their parents. The biological parents continue to make important decisions for their children and can sometimes even "ask them back" again. This makes it difficult for homosexual couples to develop a real parent-child relationship. In addition, most foster children come from difficult family homes, making education a challenge.

It is particularly annoying that the child can only be accepted into the foster family after many applications, official appointments and meetings with the biological parents. So there is a lot of patience and a lot of paperwork behind this way of starting a family.

(Foreign) Adoption

Adoption is often difficult, but not impossible. When gay couples apply to the youth welfare office for adoption, they are usually rejected. The fear of this unknown family form is too great, and since only a few children are up for adoption anyway, they prefer to choose the classic straight family. The situation is different when heterosexual couples adopt children from abroad. However, this procedure is rather expensive: after registering with an international adoption agency, the adoption process must first be carried out in the child’s home country. This usually extends over several weeks. Back in Germany, an adoption procedure has to be carried out again, only then both partners are legally recognized parents. Lawyers, flights and accommodation have to bear the costs themselves.

Stepchild adoption

If one of the partners brings a child from the old relationship, there is also the possibility to adopt it. However, this must be done with the consent of the birth mother / father, and may only be performed eight weeks after the birth of the child.

Criticism of the rainbow family

A coming out a few years ago included a rejection of having children. But due to the mature medical possibilities, more and more homosexual couples are starting a family. Unfortunately, society is still turning its back on them. Many people are skeptical of the rainbow families because it is something unknown, untested. But the allegations that children need a mother and a father have not been confirmed. The rumor that all children from homosexual families had no choice but to become gay or lesbian has also proven to be wrong. Hetero families make as many children homosexual as same-sex families.

It is therefore important that these clichés are cleared up. We have long lived in a time when family is much more than father-mother-child. From patchwork to single parents, everything is included. And “classic families” are at least as chaotic as rainbow families. Ultimately, it’s all just people trying to be happy.