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Where to go with the kids after a breakup? The nest model is one way

Spotted an Error?

After the relationship is out, many parents wonder how the childcare should go on. Where should they live – with dad, mom or do they have to commute? The nest model offers a different solution. A mother tells what her everyday life with three children looks like now.

I recently separated from my partner – we have three children together. After a few discussions, we decided on the nest model. It is the case that the children are allowed to stay “in the nest” at home and the parents commute. However, we do not make the division 50/50. I spend a little more time with the children in the nest apartment during the week, and we take turns at the weekend. It was important to us as parents that the days are fixed so that the children can adjust to them and always know who is there for them on which day.

Christina Cherry

How to talk to children about separation or divorce?

Separation or divorce is difficult for children to understand. How to help a child break up?

Tips on how to help a divorced child deal with the separation. Image © detailblick – Fotolia

Dr. Doris Wolf, psychotherapist

A separation from your partner is a difficult time not only for you, but also for your child.

Your child probably wants to be the same as before: a real family with father and mother.

Since this path is not feasible for you and your ex-partner, it is important to consider how you can best help your child to cope with the separation of the parents.

Christina Cherry

Separation with children

Separation with children

A separation with children is a unique emotional challenge for the whole family, because no matter what age the sons and daughters concerned are: They always suffer from the separation of the parents, because they love both equally and preferably together with both in one Want to live in a house or an apartment.
However, this is rarely possible – instead, one parent usually moves out of the shared apartment, while the other stays with the children.

In the opposite case, it can happen that the children are torn out of their familiar surroundings, visit new schools or kindergartens and have to build up a completely new circle of friends. This is often the case if the permanently responsible parent wants to build a new life with the children in another city for various reasons. This is a great emotional burden for the children because they have to completely reorient themselves, which they do better or worse depending on their age and temperament.
Children of school age or even during puberty are fully aware of the prehistory of a separation, which has often been preceded by a dispute lasting for months or even years. Small taunts among the parents, but also unpleasant silence strain the children and they make their own rhyme about it.

Christina Cherry

Separation: How do parents explain this to the child?

Sometimes the separation is inevitable – even with parents. But how do you tell your child? A psychologist gives tips. And: parents report on their children’s reactions

Parents should not argue in front of the child or speak badly about the other

Prof. Walper, when is the right time to tell the child that mother and father are separating?

When the parents are sure and the decision is made. However, many find it difficult, they delay it. Surveys have shown that parents often give their child other reasons for someone to move out – such as professional commitments. If the child later learns that he has been lied to, he is usually very disappointed and may no longer be able to trust his parents.

Christina Cherry
Separation with child: custody

Children and custody – separation with child

In order to annoy the other spouse, many spouses tend to the other parent out of disappointed emotions Refuse to deal with the child. It is becoming increasingly common for the caring parent to obtain a protection order from the court that prohibits the parent who has moved out from seeing their children. The background to this violence protection order is often, but not always, understandable.

In extreme cases, the parent who is now the sole carer can be overwhelmed with the upbringing of the children in such a way that the children are no longer properly cared for.

Christina Cherry

Separation with child

How do I tell my child?

Happy family with mom, dad and the kids: that’s what many couples want. but sometimes it just doesn’t fit anymore, love is gone, the relationship is over. But because of the children they share, many couples ask: should we really separate? You should always keep one thing in mind: children are not married couples and everyone involved has the right to be happy. Above all, of course, your children – but you too.

The most important thing

  • If you have children, you shouldn’t carelessly separate. But children are also no reason to hold onto an unhappy relationship.
  • A separation is just as much a cut in life for children as it is for parents. Both parents should tell the child together that they will separate.
  • A separation with a child can physical and have psychological effects.
  • children have to feel, that her parents are still there.
  • In addition to friends or counselors, a psychologist can also help process the breakup.
  • Children should have their own room with their mother and father and feel welcome everywhere.
  • A lawyer, family counseling center or employment office provide information about the financial aid, that is for single parents.

Contents

Separation with child

If you have children, you shouldn’t carelessly separate. Sometimes a restart can help, marriage counseling or simply communication: you have to tell your partner what you are missing, otherwise they cannot respond.

Christina Cherry

Separation: children want to know what to do next

Separation: Children want to know how to proceed

Prof. Dr. Sabine Walper

The offspring suffers when parents diverge. How adults can make it easier for him.

For parents, separation may be a relief when their relationship ends. For children, it is usually a disaster. But bad grades, behavioral problems and your own partnership problems do not necessarily have to follow. The following interview is about how the negative effects of separation or divorce can be mitigated.

"Several years after the separation of the parents, we could not see any general disadvantages in divorce children compared to their peers who grew up in traditional core families," says Professor Sabine Walper. The psychologist from Munich accompanied a study over six years, for which children from all over Germany were interviewed in various family constellations. Based on this, she developed the course “Children in sight”. It is designed to sensitize parents to the needs of their children during a separation. We asked the expert what is important.

Christina Cherry

Separation of parents: this helps the child

When separated, parents are often very busy with themselves. But be careful: your child now needs them more than before. How to help your little one through difficult times

When parents stay in conversation with their little one, they find out what is troubling them

Those who separate usually change their everyday lives radically. Family celebrations, holidays, even meals at home will be different in the future. No one with whom you share experiences and worries every day. Nobody to make life’s big and small decisions with. Future plans need to be revised, shared dreams rejected and finances often reorganized. And then there are feelings like disappointment or self-doubt. It’s no wonder that many of them can’t get a clear idea at first. But what if you have children?

Christina Cherry

Tips, separation

Information about separation / divorce

Frequently asked questions about the separation / divorce of parents

  • How and when do we tell our child that we are separating?
  • We will split up if my child cannot already visit a RAINBOWS group?
  • Should I tell the teacher about the family situation?
  • My child doesn’t seem to suffer from the separation. If the problems are not created in the group?
  • What is an optimal contact regulation?
  • My child doesn’t want to go to the father / mother …
  • How can I get involved as a father / mother even though the child does not mainly live with me?
  • What can i do for myself?

How and when do we tell our child that we are separating?

Children feel the changes in their family. Support your child by informing them as soon as possible about the situation or the upcoming changes in an age-appropriate manner.

Children need timely, honest, understandable and age-appropriate information about why the parents separate. Without explanations, they are very unsettled and make their own thoughts and fantasies. These often create more fear than reality, as the children often seek to blame themselves. Children also need clarity about how their everyday life will be after the separation. A child can ask the following questions: Where will I live? When and where will I see mom or dad when he or she moves out? What will stay the same after the breakup?

Christina Cherry

In this context we mention the possibility of change model in case of separation and divorce. Under certain circumstances, this can best correspond to the child’s best interests. However, the switch model requires a basic communication and cooperation ability of the parents and then expands the child’s well-being if there are secure ties and sustainable relationships with both parents.

Mediation for couples in Saarland

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What does the Sche mean >Divorce is a process that begins long before the actual separation and that is gradually starting to roll. The separation is often preceded by a long conflict between the spouses. The first 2 years after the divorce is called a crisis period designated. For the children, the crisis begins with shock, fear, and anger when they learn that their parents’ marriage / relationship has broken.

In this critical time, children have two very specific needs: First, they are increasingly asking for emotional support as they try to adapt to the totally different circumstances of life. Second, they rely on a reasonably reliable daily routine. Unfortunately, the parents themselves have too many problems and fears at this time to help their children properly. It is very difficult for a child to understand or even accept that one day his father or mother moves out of the shared apartment and leaves it – at least that’s how the child experiences it.

Christina Cherry