When the mother withholds the child from the father - baby and family

Mothers who do not allow paternal engagement act like security guards in front of the child. Scientists call this behavior "Maternal gatekeeping". It happens more often than you think

Steer clear of mom’s child! Maternal gatekeeping prevents healthy family development

Not all mothers want tireless commitment and commitment from their father to him offspring. Some mums even defend themselves against it. This can even go so far that mothers perceive the father as an intruder – and not as an equal parent. The mothers sometimes treat the fathers accordingly.

Under the term maternal gatekeeping ("maternal doorway") this phenomenon has been scientifically investigated for over twenty years. According to a 1999 study by the Brigham Young University, about 20 to 25 percent of all married women are said to fall into the category of maternal gatekeepers. A later, German long-term study by the family and social researcher Professor Wassilios Fthenakis comes to a similar conclusion: about one in five women has a blocking behavior that hinders fatherly use in family life. Reason enough to take a closer look at this phenomenon.

How is maternal gatekeeping defined??

are "maternal bouncers" maybe just excessive chuckles who take extra care of the kids? Not scientifically, at least, explains family researcher Fthenakis. "The mother hen is seen in relation to the children and the quality of care and upbringing. The gatekeeping mother, however, defines itself only in relation to the father." That means: The phenomenon of maternal gatekeeping does not manifest itself in the form of caring maternal supervision, but in a defensive behavior towards the father. The mother refuses him "entrance" and demands the sole decision-making power as to what the relationship between child and father should look like.

These women accept the man as a partner and as a breadwinner, but not as a fatherly figure. Not as someone who is allowed to set rules and makes sure they are followed. Not as someone who feels responsible for the child’s well-being or who is the contact person for son or daughter. In the eyes of the mother, she is solely responsible for these tasks.

How and when does maternal gatekeeping express itself?

Studies have shown that these so-called maternal blockages mostly occur within the marriage or partnership and especially in the first child. Marriage and couple adviser Gabriele Leipold from Munich knows these maternal behaviors: "The mother tries with all available means to prevent the close contact between child and father." In the worst case, such a takeover ends in false accusations or the complete dismantling of the father figure.

"These women bind the child extremely strongly to themselves," Leipold continued, "and make the men understand that they are doing everything wrong with the child." In doing so, they set completely excessive standards against which the father ultimately has to fail. In the end, the motherly behavior even seems rationally justified ("Do you see! You are not able to do that. Let me do it better."). A family education that is mutually supportive and mutually supportive – that is, the classic triadic system of father-mother-child – cannot arise from this.

What can cause this "bouncer"-Behavior?

"As long as a man and woman live in a partnership, everything is often relaxed", tells Leipold. But the switch from a two-to-three relationship is difficult for some new mothers. Women who have never experienced a triadic system as a child are often affected. Developmental psychologist Fthenakis also believes that early socialization experiences can play a role. "If the woman herself had a maternal gatekeeping mother, in comparable situations she may like to use this model herself and with reasons."

However, the researcher sees the reasons for the maternal access surveillance as being justified in another point. "After the birth of the first child, family life becomes very traditional," said the developmental psychologist. The man often becomes the sole breadwinner. The family system is suddenly subject to an unprecedented asymmetry. "In such cases, certain women tend to compensate for this power imbalance by strengthening the typical maternal tasks and preventing the father’s participation", explains Fthenakis.

Traditionally feminine values create meaning

The bouncer mother sees the maternal role as the basic competence of her entire person. "She often needs the child to stabilize herself", also means Leipold. Such women see their elementary uniqueness in their mother’s identity and thereby compensate for a low level of self-confidence. This thesis is supported by a number of scientific researches. For example, sociologist Ruth Gaunt from Israel’s Bar Ilan University has maternal gatekeeping on 209 couples with children between six months and three years old examined. According to this study, typical gatekeepers are less self-confident and very much oriented towards traditionally female values.

The motherhood itself has a meaningful effect and increases the lack of self-esteem. Family researchers found that the natural, gender-specific connection between child and mother is often seen as the basis for this exclusive contact. Gatekeeper mothers believe that they make pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding exclusive experts.

Consequences for family roles

The reaction of many men to the excessive demands and the subsequent deprivation of responsibility: even less commitment, less time with the offspring, even less paternal influence. A long-term study from Ohio State University in 2008 confirms this fact: the greater the discouragement and supervision by the mother, the less the will for commitment and the desire for competence on the part of the father.

"Gatekeeping can cause the father to withdraw completely, or at least not initiate the effort that would have been required to develop or maintain the relationship with his child", Wassilios Fthenakis explains the declining fatherly motivation when important competencies, such as caring for the child, are denied and he is excluded from the mother-child relationship. Intensive employment by the man can favor the behavior of the mother, even rationally justify it ("You’re never there anyway!").

How do you get out of the gatekeeping vicious cycle?

It is often difficult for women to recognize a mistake in their behavior. The permanent regulations and the much-voiced criticism of her father’s efforts goes without saying for her. Men, on the other hand, find it difficult to upgrade their women’s self-confidence by, for example, breaking up the traditional division of roles. But that would be necessary in this case.

So it is up to both parents to question their behavior and change something about it. Gabriele Leipold believes that father and mother must recognize each other’s performance. "If the mother’s engaging behavior is not yet too massive, the problem should be addressed immediately." The tip to the fathers: Don’t phrase anything as a reproach, but as a wish or request. Attacked mothers quickly go into a hardened opposing position. Another piece of advice for men: Show your partner that she is important. Just suggest that she deserves to do something alone or with friends.

For the mother, on the other hand, it is important to trust the father bit by bit. A short walk in the evening – while dad and child are at home – is a first step in the right direction. Important: Do not evaluate and the fatherly behavior as "bad" judge. As a mother, you have to learn to hand in and accept your partner as an equivalent caregiver. Only then can you start from "bouncers" to "door openers" become.

However, the therapist also knows that if the family system is significantly disturbed, then usually only professional help in the form of educational or marriage counseling helps.

When the mother withholds the child from the father – baby and family

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