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With children in the forest, who-is-actually-with-a-litter box

With children in the forest

Instead of accompanying anger, make bread – "feeling strong" children

I am sitting in our small apartment in Munich, the chestnut tree in the courtyard carries the last shriveled leaves and yesterday was All Saints’ Day. My husband and I went to the small cemetery around the corner in the evening. Unfortunately, the heavy iron gate was locked, so we could only peep through the bars and see a few candles shining in their red beakers. People commemorate their dead. I have to think of a Princess teacher who died a few weeks ago at the age of 37. Life is so precious.

And then I sit on the train like the day before yesterday and read in Nora Imlau’s new book “You are different, you are good. Accompany emotional children as they grow up ”(Munich 2019). Side by side it is a question of how the neocortex in the brain can finally get the excess feelings under control. This is the case with all children, but it is special with emotional children. And that it takes 25 years for the brain to mature (pp. 53/54). And that parents of emotional children have to go through this difficult time and comfort them further, be patient with them, have to endure the effort, at least knowing that they are not alone because other parents also have such a stressful family life.

Something – I had to think this morning – has gone off the rails. Many adults long for the carefree years of their childhood, it sounds to Nora Imlau as if childhood was a time to be endured and overcome, until the brain is mature enough to finally anger these children Gets a grip. Phew, finally grown up. Phew, finally the hypersensitive amygdala (part of the limbic system in the brain) can no longer get out of the concept of being invited to a children’s birthday party.

I have to think of my Aunt Fine (97). Earlier this year I interviewed her for a magazine article. We sat together for several hours and talked about their lives. And do you know what was the greatest happiness in her life? Sundays as a child. When her father, my grandpa, woke her and the three older of her five siblings before sunrise and ran with them through the forest to the church, listened to the birdsong and showed them animal tracks. If my grandfather had asked for a long time whether each of the four children really wanted this, he would have accompanied each one of them in anger because a button of a trouser was not closed or a knee-high was scratching, he would have provided replacement acorns beforehand for the child, which experience has shown to tick if if it does not find enough, the small hiking group would only have reached the forest if the last bird had also fallen silent.

And although my grandfather had more of the excursion as a whole than the sensitivities of his great Theos, the shy Margret, the bright Fine and the little Mia, more than 80 years later these excursions are remembered by the old lady as the greatest happiness in life.

Transfiguration? Certainly also a bit.

Nonetheless, I wonder if we as parents create almost such experiences if we get lost in the finest ramifications of our children’s needs, ponder half a day about whether this was a wish or a need to scourge us at the end of the day because we have paid enough attention to our youngest neocortex, which has not yet matured enough.

I have a lot to think that books are currently storming the bestseller lists, in which childhood is described as such a great effort and the cooperation between parents and children does not sound like family life, but rather like the never-ending meeting of a self-help group.

Children laugh – actually – much more than adults. Childhood once stood for lightheartedness. In current educational literature, it sounds more like adults have to help children regulate their feelings and become happy. Where has the nice thought gone that we grown-ups could learn a little from the carefree and that we should become more like the children again. Instead, we think we have to deal with the supposed immaturity of their brains. The more we fight against their unhappiness, the more we maneuver them into it.

At the same time that I was reading Nora Imlaus’ book, I watched small videos of lectures by spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle. It was good for me after so much effort with children.

Eckhart Tolle’s words filled me with deep peace, I sipped my coffee and let myself be happily driven through autumnal Bavaria.

How strange that we as adults have to laboriously learn to switch off our minds as much as possible in meditations, mindfulness courses and at Eckhart Tolle, while books are popular that claim that everything will get better with the children when the minds are finally mature , And before that, we would have to compensate for this immaturity by responding to their needs as much as possible and patiently accompanying them as they go crazy.

What I miss at Nora Imlau are a few ideas that I am deeply convinced of:

  • that family should be seen as a system
  • that children always cooperate (even with our attitude they are emotional, less resilient …)
  • that we create reality based on our thoughts and, as parents, to some extent also the reality of our children.

And if I raise the thought that my child is emotional, to a mantra and read blogs and books, should it have no effect on my child? Especially on a highly sensitive?

Again, for example with the forest hike.

If I had had the following thoughts in advance of my grandpa’s place:

  • It could be difficult with Theo. He is always annoyed that the little ones are stopping him.
  • Fine is sure to get a tantrum if she doesn’t get her jacket zipped open right away.
  • If Margret suffers from Fines’ impatience and is wiped by her, I have to take the time to comfort her.
  • I have to be careful that Mia has her slumber cloth, otherwise we won’t get to the first crossing.

the excursion would probably not have taken place at all or only with great difficulty. I would never have made one again or developed ideas in such a way that my husband separately does something with Fine, while we others …

But when I’m looking forward to the trip, I’m thrilled because we are doing something together, I show them pictures of the birds the night before and we make plans, then my thoughts help me to create another reality, then we focus on the joy of being in the forest. Nobody is more easily infected with joy than children. Yes, and when Fine gets angry because her jacket is not closed, I help quickly, but will soon be out because I still want to get the bag to collect chestnuts. Then Fine also has no time to get annoyed with a zip or hit the little sister because everyone is happy and wants to go outside quickly. Instead of accompanying anger, I prefer to make bread and stuff it in my backpack. And Theo, who is already pawing his boots, can run forward and see if there is ice on the puddles. And if I have the impression that Klein-Mia got a little under the wheels and needs closeness, I carry her a bit through the forest. Maybe I encourage Margret to balance over a tree trunk. But the whole thing happens rather casually and does not have to be. The focus is on the joy of being together and in nature, and not the boring question for which of my children I have to balance something again.

It makes a huge difference whether I am steeped in the constant worry that any of the children may be neglected and scurrying around them, or whether I am excited about the next adventure.

Always stay happy, do not be persuaded that childhood has to be exhausting and family life is a need-balance negotiation marathon,

Photo by Caleb Oquendo from Pexels.

* This was about Nora Imlau’s first book, what you can take with it and what better not.

* In "Joy of life is highly infectious" I wrote about a morning with the Crown Prince and why everything is so easy with enthusiasm.

* Here I have shared my insights on how children learn healthy emotion management.

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Christina Cherry
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