Children and feelings

When children are moaning, caught or crying in the corner: feelings have long been in science years as an insignificant opponent of the crystal clear mind. In the meantime, however, psychologists and brain researchers have found out: feelings are the real organizers of our personality. Our actions, actions and thoughts are deeply imbued with our feelings. Feelings are the compass that helps us navigate life. People who recognize their feelings and can handle them wisely often have an easier life.
“Nowadays, emotions are no longer seen as a disruptive factor for reasonable thinking, but as an irreplaceable aid to life,” writes Swiss psychoanalyst Maja Storch. And how successfully children (and adults) learn depends on feelings: “What does not touch us emotionally, if at all, is hard to get into our head, and if we don’t need it again soon it disappeared in no time, ”explains Göttingen neurobiologist Gerald Hüther.

Feelings are innate and educated

At a children’s birthday party, a lot can be observed in the small crowd of guests: a child is happy and quiet about the many smarties that it can feed today. Another child looks around seriously and first looks on. Another child fidgets and wants his birthday present to be unwrapped first. It is apparently the same situation for all children – but they all feel and behave very differently.
Basically, it is innate for humans to develop the ability to feel basic feelings like fear, surprise, grief or happiness and to recognize them in others in the course of childhood. This can be found in all cultures. Nevertheless, there are big differences in how we express our feelings: through our socialization, for example, we get to know how strong or how reserved we can show and express our feelings such as anger, happiness, fear and anger.
The mourning in southern Italy is very different from that in Norway. And there are differences even within Germany. As a child we have to learn that people express their feelings in a variety of ways. Some squeeze and love us to express their joy, others show their feelings in a completely different way.

Children’s feelings vary from person to person

In addition to these cultural differences, there are also individual ones: Even newborns bring their very own emotional state into the world. “The genes determine between 20 and 50 percent of a person”s personality,” says brain researcher Gerhard Roth, who heads the Institute for Brain Research at the University of Bremen. But what a woman experiences during pregnancy also plays a role. “The prenatal life with her experiences can decisively shape a person,” writes psychotherapist Bettina Alberti, who researches on this topic. Some babies are very communicative from birth, others are rather shy. Some are better at dealing with frustrations, others suffer more. “The scope in which a person can feel, behave and change at all is already clearly defined at birth,” says brain researcher Roth. So one thing is clear: children are not born as blank slips without feelings. But also: The influence that early childhood experiences have on further development is nevertheless enormous.
What are feelings?
Feelings are reactions to our needs, wishes, interests and experiences. They are volatile, changeable and difficult to measure. There is a nice sentence among psychologists: If you don"t ask me, I know what a feeling is. But if you ask me, I don"t remember. “Emotions are much more difficult to grasp than some intellectual achievement because they affect us as a whole person. Body, mind and soul are permeated with feelings, ”says the Cologne education scientist Dr. Charmaine Liebertz, director of the Society for Holistic Learning. This is also shown by the studies by the neurobiologist Dr. Franz Mechsner, who is currently researching and teaching at the University of Newcastle in England. He suspects that even the coordination of movements is much more holistic than previously thought. The way we imagine a movement and what feelings we have about it has an enormous influence on the course of the movement. “We don"t work like automatic dolls that unwind a certain movement at the push of a button. How a movement works is obviously very dependent on empathy with the movement, ”he says.

This way, children can express their feelings in a playful way

Family Kummerkasten Here the children (and their parents) can write down their small and big worries, hardships and annoyances and put them in a shoe box that has been converted into a suggestion box with a slot. Once a week, the family then discusses what has happened and how one or the other problem might be solved. Through this, children learn to put their feelings into words and also to direct anger and anger in constructive ways. Suitable from around eight years.

mood Suhr Cut out a cardboard circle with your child, which is divided into four fields. Then write in the quarters: angry, sad, happy, happy. Maybe your child will also paint the corresponding faces. A movable pointer is attached to the center. From now on, your child can use the emotional clock to tell you what mood it is in.

Sort feelings Children love snipping around in magazines. Make it a nice game. Cut out faces and sort them together: happy faces, fearful, sad, surprised, serious and laughing. Little by little, children will notice more and more nuances – and learn to recognize and name them.

trust Games Your child closes your eyes. With a rattle you now lay the "acoustic track" which the child blindly follows. This requires trust from the leader as well as responsibility and thinking ahead from the leader. Then the roles are exchanged!

Children and feelings: Interview with educationalist Liebertz

The educational scientist Charmaine Liebertz, head of the Society for Holistic Learning, on the connection between feeling and learning success Family & Co: Disrupt feelings when studying?
Charmaine Liebertz: On the contrary! In brain research we now know that thinking and feeling are one. There are no separate areas of the brain where people only think or feel. There is no second in which we do not think and feel at the same time. And sustainable learning takes place when so-called emotional markers, i.e. particularly strong feelings, mark learning content as meaningful. Laughter and learning then form a dream couple.

How can you imagine that??

Well, a good example is our own schooling. Most of us can remember throughout our lives what color their school bag was and whether the sun was shining that day. Our memory can only do this because we have particularly strong feelings on this day.

How important is the teacher in all of this?

The relationship that children develop with their teacher is crucial for learning success. It is therefore very positive that teams of two are supervising the class more and more frequently in primary school. This gives children a better chance of finding someone with whom they can build a good relationship. This is very important because emotional problems prevent learning. A teacher’s personality and empathy are at least as important as his professional competence.

What can parents do to enable their children to learn emotionally??

You should rethink your idea of performance. The results of the PISA study and the major changes in the economy have led many parents to develop a one-sided concept of achievement. They are demanding more and more extra cognitive performance in kindergarten and school so that their child simply doesn’t miss a chance. But successful learning is not a question of quantity, but rather of quality. And education without heart formation is not education. Parents should keep their cool and allow their children time for what seems to be irrelevant.

How parents promote children’s feelings

How children develop "emotional intelligence"

What can parents do with all of this? How can you help your children to deal with their feelings productively and satisfactorily? The first months of life are very important: Parental love continues to grow in daily interaction with the baby, mother and father take care of it, cuddle with it and satisfy its elementary needs, such as hunger. This gives the baby a deep feeling of security. This emotional state not only means that the baby feels comfortable and does not cry at a specific moment – it is the essential prerequisite for it to be able to develop well in the long term. "Feelings of security are very important for a child’s cognitive and personality development," says Helga Joswig, Professor of Learning and Developmental Psychology at the University of Rostock.
These first emotional experiences that a child has are not saved in a conscious thought process, rather it is a surging wave of feelings that flows through the child. But these feelings shape the structure and development of the brain. The Göttingen neurobiologist Gerald Hüther says: "Children need security and emotional security so that they can develop the highly complex wiring patterns in the brain well." A loving hug promotes the wiring of the synapses, but also coldness of emotion leaves corresponding traces in the brain. The view that you can spoil babies too much and that a little bit of crying doesn’t hurt has long been outdated from a scientific point of view. The opposite is the case: children who have had positive experiences with their caregivers save them in their emotional experience memory. These emotions then color their image of the world for a lifetime – often under the threshold of conscious perception – and influence their thinking, doing and acting.

Develop children "Emotional intelligence"

"I am so sad because I forgot my paper cuts at Milla. I wanted to show you so much! “, My six year old daughter moaned at dinner the other day. It later becomes clear what a great achievement she had achieved there: she had put her feeling into words and at the same time resigned herself to the unchangeability of the situation. A year ago she would have howled loudly and insisted in her misfortune that the paper cuts would magically come from her dear friend’s apartment.
Perceiving feelings, expressing feelings and being able to deal with them – during childhood and adolescence, the skills develop that are often referred to as “emotional intelligence”. This happens above all in a communicative interplay with the parents and other caregivers. “It is extremely important to respond appropriately to children’s feelings. Because to get an idea of yourself, a child needs to reflect his emotions, ”explains behavioral biologist Gabriele Haug-Schnabel.
The technical term for this is "affect enhancement". Especially in unfamiliar situations, children make sure their caregivers know how to react. All parents are familiar with this phenomenon from everyday life. If a child falls from the tree trunk, it looks at its parents. If they look worried and startled, the child starts to cry. If you remain calm and calm, the child will often get up on its own.

How children perceive feelings

The more often a child in the many situations of everyday life learns that his expressions of emotion are taken seriously and seriously and answered adequately, the better he learns to understand himself in all his shades of feeling. And successful self-perception is the prerequisite for being able to think into other people and react to their needs. An ability that is very important both for personal happiness and at work. The educational scientist Dr. Charmaine Liebertz says: "The job market no longer needs specialist idiots, but holistically educated people who can adapt flexibly to new situations and work well in a team."

Children and feelings: "life skills" as a school subject

The Berlin psychologist Professor Gerd Gigerenzer recently even said in a “Spiegel” interview: “We should teach young people in school how we all work. Today children learn a lot about technology. But they have a blind spot in everything that affects our psychology. ”There are already initial approaches in this direction: At a Heidelberg school, students can choose the subject“ Happiness ”.
In the new school subject, which even counts for high school, they learn something like “life skills”, for example how body and soul interact and how motivation works. A similar project has started in the Bavarian town of Neumarkt. At the secondary school, the subject "growing up" has recently become part of the regular curriculum. In addition to the comma rules and the Here, the students learn how to deal with their first lovesickness and talk about what family and friends mean to them.

Mind and feelings important for happiness in life

But whoever assumes that the mind is unimportant for the happiness of life is, of course, just as wrong as those who underestimate the importance of feelings. Our feelings act like a kind of error detector that helps us make good decisions and assess situations spontaneously and intuitively. About body signals like a knocking heart, Tingling in the belly or the lump in the throat give the feelings an initial rating. But then the mind is asked: “Do I only have a hissing noise before the new one? Or do I actually overwhelm myself if I am elected to be the parent representative? "
How well we get through life depends on the successful balance between our feelings and the mind. Both instances must work together so that we can get a good result. Another example: you can read this article and rationally draw your conclusions from it. But it is just as important that you not only think about education, but also intuition counts! Children have extremely fine, soulful antennas for whether their parents are truthful and authentic or just quote from the textbook.

Feelings and action – connections

And at least as important as the interaction of mind and feeling is the knowledge of the difference between feeling and action. "It is important for children to understand that their emotions are not a problem, but how to deal with them from time to time," says American psychologist John Gottmann. In other words, anger is okay. But not to put one on the playmate with the shovel just because you’re angry.
In the end, our neighbor Frau Kähler was probably not entirely wrong: just crying, moaning and stamping with your foot does not help in the long run! At some point you have to think about what to do with these feelings! My playmates and I mostly reconciled quickly, with each other and with the world – sulking in the long run was too boring for us.

Children and feelings: 5 types of feelings

A sensitive child needs a different approach than a very extrovert. Hamburg psychologist Dr. Angelika Faas explains what parents should pay attention to

"The Sensitive":

These children are needy, shy and dreamy. They are rather skeptical about the new. Tip: “These children especially need the experience of being able to do something on their own. Small success stories that make them safer. This helps them to develop more confidence in their own strengths and to become more independent, both practically and emotionally. But instead of pushing them, the best way to do it is to entrust them with small tasks that can help them grow. ”
"The playground rambos":
These children have a lot of energy that they want to live out. Sometimes you only feel it when the others shout "Aua". They occasionally overestimate their powers and abilities and are rather extroverted. Tip: “Scolding and punishing makes little sense. It is important, however, to be consistent and to create a generous but binding framework in which the child can move – without constantly being touched. Team games are good, where the children can practice fitting into a group and empathizing with the needs of others. ”
"Little princesses and other superstars":
The focus is on your favorite place to stay! The external impact is particularly important for these children, they gush out of themselves and love applause and praise. Tip: “Parents should not deny them attention, but also give special recognition for soft tones and remind them with loving severity from time to time to let others have their say. Concentration and strategy games in which patience is important are sensible. But also team sports, where the little stars shine less as soloists but as part of a group. ”
"The Pokerface":
Sometimes they are almost harsh and show little pain and joy. They work very independently and are more of a loner. Tip: "These children don’t want to be harassed. But when they come out of themselves, they should feel that they are interested in them. They can try out emotions in theater or role play without revealing themselves too much. Music and painting are also good opportunities for them to express themselves emotionally. "
"The Little Professors":
They are often sensible early on, very controlled, but sometimes a bit old-fashioned and know-it-all. Tip: “It is important here that parents create a counterweight, ensure relaxation and offer lots of exercise. And instead of opening the "Experimental box for elementary school students", they should rather do nonsense and nonsense with their children – for example, make water balloons out of balloons or tickle each other. "