Discipline in raising children

need and how to show your offspring that it is worthwhile to work patiently on something.

Parents know how strenuous child-rearing can be. And how helpless you feel when you’ve tried all sorts of things and then you’re at the end of your Latin. At these moments, parents are already considering whether they are children

not strictness anymore,

more limits and

maybe even punishments

need.
And if you look at the ratings of “Super Nanny” & Co., The discussions in Internet forums and the sales figures of educational guides, you get the impression: There is currently a certain perplexity at many parents about raising children and what really works now. The number of consultations on child rearing has increased by 30% in the past 10 years, the Federal Statistical Office has calculated. When mothers talk about their contradictory, stubborn and often even chubby children, and they come up with the book by Bernhard Bueb:
The former director of the Salem boarding school on Lake Constance, whom the “Bild” newspaper praised as “Germany”s strictest teacher”, started a broad discussion about discipline in education with his bestseller “Praise of discipline”. In his pamphlet, which had a huge circulation, Bueb campaigns for a combination of love, discipline and punishment as a means of raising children. Children and adolescents have to submit, Bueb demands – without ifs and buts.

Parents create structure and are role models

But parents can very well create framework conditions that enable children to discover this ability in themselves: by

to encourage the children,

Help people to help themselves when things don"t go well,

structure the daily routine sensibly,

ensure a good balance of activity and rest,

Do not overfill the children’s room so that the children can clean up themselves,

establish clear guidelines and family rules,

Give the children time to finish playing games or tasks in the home without being interrupted.

Important: It is not least the parental role model that shapes them. Parents can encourage children to be enthusiastic about a sport and therefore go to training every week, even if it is raining or the TV is luring. Parents can love their children with their enthusiasm

for car screwing or also

infect and thus also promote the ability for self-discipline. For example, throughout my life I will never forget how happy my father was when he carefully cleaned his tools after use and then stowed them away properly. He literally celebrated it and used to say: "Then it will be much more fun to start again next time." He did so with such dedication that the memory of it still helps me to pick myself up after work in the evening At least arrange the desk a little. From this experience, I try to complain as rarely as possible when there is nothing in the nursery again. Instead, I keep telling my daughter the story of Grandpa, who loved to sort his things. Of course, that doesn’t always help. But the other day she proudly said to me: "Isn’t it nice when you can start playing in a tidy shop?" Of course I could only agree.

Obedience requires relationship and trust

In British boarding schools there is an extensive set of rules on how students should behave, what is allowed and what is prohibited. This “set of rules” ensures that everyday school life works and that students learn the secondary virtues that make their lives easier, but also serve the benefit of society: motivation, discipline, a sense of duty and reliability. More and more German parents are willing to raise a lot of money to enable their children to do this kind of private school education. The English degree is highly regarded internationally. Should that be the proof that tough discipline is the best way to go? No, because the success of the British boarding schools is not so much based on coercion and punishment, but rather on a good mixture of binding rules and a very intensive, individual supervision of the students by the teachers. "Obedience arises from relationship and trust," says child therapist Wolfgang Bergmann. Another touching example of how children can develop a lot of self-discipline and perseverance without being forced is shown by the wonderful documentary “Rhythm is it”. In 2004 Sir Simon Rattle, chief conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra, and choreographer Royston Maldoom, with 250 Berlin students, rehearsed Stravinsky’s ballet "Le Sacre du Printemps". If you have had a hard day and it was maybe not going so well again – take your time and watch this film – the DVD is available in our DVD rental. You will be excited and empathized with the protagonists and will feel again how beautiful and enriching it is to live with children. Because the film shows something that we sometimes forget in everyday life or no longer notice due to the sheer bustle: how

Are children. Even if they don’t always do what we want.

Fear takes joy in learning – child rearing: How much discipline in education do children need?

Fear is not a good prerequisite for learning and understanding the world. Brain researchers have repeatedly proven this in recent years. The result of her research: Neither over-ambitious support nor excessive rigor and discipline have a positive impact on the soul, emotional or cognitive development of children. Learning works especially well when children are happy and do not have to fear punishment. Anyone who watches a child watch it sink and concentrate on a Lego landscape can observe this. The desire to design often gives them highly original ideas. If children are fun and happy, then they are receptive. They try, make mistakes, fail and try again. But this only works in a fear-free room, in a feeling of security. When learning with pleasure, structures form in the brain that enable them to creatively and constructively solve the many problems that a normal life brings with it. Fear, fear and pressure interfere with this process.

Not obedience, but happiness makes you smart – child rearing: How much discipline in education do children need?

A simple example that surely seems familiar to many: Those who were unlucky enough to be exposed by their (bad) math teacher on the blackboard, have associated an unpleasant feeling with mathematical formulas throughout their lives and thinks they cannot calculate.
The very sight of chains of numbers may trigger sweats. Mathematics is closely linked to a feeling of fear. And that paralyzes creative thinking. Fortunately, this combination of feeling, experience and content works just as well. Children who are encouraged and praised and who experience success develop a strong sense of self-efficacy.
They believe in themselves and their abilities – and from this feeling they can outgrow themselves. More complex structures are formed in their brains that enable them to solve problems. It is not discipline in education and obedience that makes you smart, but: happiness makes you smart.

Family development and self-discipline

Everyone adapts to changes in the family

Perhaps one or the other may now think: “I should let my child have a say, but also set limits for him. Yes, what now? “Both! Education is indeed the art of finding a balance. When educating, there is no black and white, but above all a motley gray area. And unfortunately, so honestly you have to there are no simple rules that are guaranteed to apply equally to everyone and always work. Children (and also their parents) are not DVD recorders that can be programmed according to instructions – even if that would sometimes be very practical. Children are different, and a family system is not set in stone, but is constantly changing. Children get older, learn and develop. What was true yesterday no longer works today. And vice versa: What was not possible a year ago is now working extremely well. Science calls this the “family life cycle”: there are phases of change and relatively stable, quiet times. The transitions are often particularly difficult:

Entry to kindergarten,

Raising means constantly weighing up and finding new positions, if possible with calm, stability and clarity.

Develop self-discipline from within

On the one hand and on the other hand – this also applies to the question of discipline in education: As little as I want to subject my child, I want so much that it develops the important and beautiful ability for self-discipline. Everyone knows the feeling of happiness when you set a goal and achieve it in the end because you have not given up despite efforts and obstacles. It is undoubtedly important that children learn to overcome displeasure and act on their own responsibility.
After all, successful learning not only includes fun and freedom from fear, but in most cases also perseverance and self-discipline when practicing. This applies not only to mathematics, but to everything. But as the word "self-discipline" already suggests: This attitude is developed by a person out of himself, otherwise it would be called mom discipline or dad discipline. Parents cannot instill or teach their children self-discipline – everyone who listens deeply knows that.

Obeying alone does not solve any problems – child rearing: How much discipline in education do children need?

But is that really useful and helpful? Does that solve the problems? Science has a relatively clear position on this: No! Because if a child learns to obey above all, the price is high. There are other essential things left behind:

independent thinking and acting as well

the courage to contradict.

And something very important is lost in education if there is too much discipline, as the child and family therapist Wolfgang Bergmann writes: the trust of the children! In the short term, the new austerity may bring success. But in the long run, the intimidated child loses trust in the parents. With every break in his self-esteem, with every fear of punishment that arises, the child’s appreciation of the parents suffers a little more. If obedience is the measure of all things, the relationship between parents and children will suffer damage that is difficult to repair. And the older it gets, the less the child who is measured early will obey.