in theory everything is fine
Photo. René Löffler
On Monday I almost jumped out of my business pants at 8:15 a.m.
Until then it was a normal day: I delivered my child to school at 7:51 a.m., before that I had already: loading the washing machine, meditating three minutes in front of the fridge, pretending in the bathroom that I had a hairstyle, repaired my blocked drain , smeared a mountain of sandwiches and finally did the homework on the front door. At that moment the mirror in the hallway fell off the wall. I ignored that. Even the bad luck. I don’t have time for something like that in the morning. We left the apartment at 07.33. This was followed by a ten-minute bike ride, during which I made my child fit for the society in which we all live.
I explained what the word “penis lollipop” means, and that a 2 is not a bad grade (in the super mother neighborhood, the self-optimization craze also affects the children).
At 7:51 a.m. I hung on the school gate grate and roared tenderly "close my jacket", an indignation scream resounded over the courtyard as a farewell echo. I ignored that and greeted an educator because she does her job very well for little money.
Is it part-time or never actually there? Aha:
Flexibility or better trust the mom:
The 6 minutes in the overcrowded tram are still very lucky: they are mine! I usually read the newspaper. On this day my luck was clouded: The title of an article on Edition F jumped into my eye: “Why working mothers are annoying” was the headline. I snorted through both nostrils. The man next to me was now sleeping peacefully on my shoulder. I didn’t jump out of my pants. No, I’m not a particularly compassionate person:
“I have been a working mother for 9 years and like Pavlov’s dog: my body falls into a rigid position as soon as one side of my right shoulder is strained by a head: when my child sleeps next to me, I usually read or correct texts one-handed excellists. It’s not good for my right shoulder – yes I know. And: Of course I want to have a lot of time for my child, but as a working mother, things don’t always go the way you want. I’m still doing a damn good job! ”
EVERY DAMN DAY. IF YOU LEAVE ME! All working mothers do that. Why do we still have such a bad reputation. Even among women? Incidentally, the article with the provocative headline is not that bad. He advertises for us. But I wonder: why is that necessary at all? In 2017? In an online magazine that mostly women read? Germany has to get used to the fact that women work with children. They like to do it – and they can if you do it – I like to repeat myself: LEAVES!
Why frustration comes after parental leave:
Does Germany need the mothers quota so that people get used to women like me? No, but urgently more serenity and understanding. Why do working mothers have so little support and no lobby? Are we really annoying not only our children, but also colleagues and bosses? Because we women with children queue up and get nothing in order? Not reliable, or as committed to the job as when we had no children? Because we want too much and therefore fail? No: We are simply measured using the wrong standards. From others and from ourselves.
For most mothers, returning to work after parental leave, like Pan’s maze, has no exit. Many mothers return to their old jobs, but do not really arrive there. As well as:
No mother says to anybody else: “Dress up warmly, guess you’re on the ass, during the acclimatization. You can only survive the first winter in kindergarten with a lot of luck, grandma and a bottle of red wine ”.
Nope. It is a well-kept secret, like the birth process. Is it our own fault? Is that a woman thing? Because we all hate each other?
But the male colleagues don’t react particularly sympathetically either, but are usually annoyed. Part-time work is not particularly popular in most companies. It means a high administrative effort for almost nothing. Part-time is the horror for the average German HR specialist, and for what: careers are rarely made from part-time, rather ended = Mutti ante Portas!
Everything from the beginning – what is left of mom:
Then everything is new. More and more mothers are becoming self-employed. You are creative and start over. It’s nice and very difficult. Even if there are many good networks that help. Unfortunately, many qualified mothers end up in their early professional menopause at the age of 40. And then? I also almost had the hashtag #regrettingmotherhood on the display.
Parental allowance is a really good idea – in theory. However, neither mothers, nor their partners, nor their colleagues or bosses, nor politics are prepared for what comes after them. We all think MUMMY DOES IT ALREADY! Like all mothers before us. The main thing is Kita space. But: As a mother in the job, you can do as much as before, but you can’t do it the way you did before. Also with day care center. And you don’t want it anymore either, because you also want time for your child. I should have these simple sentences printed and distributed to all those receiving parental allowance.
The compatibility hammer hits everyone:
I was just as unprepared – the compatibility hammer hit me from above, behind and in front. Working with a child is exhausting. Point. After nine years as a working mother in various employment models, I can judge that. I now draw the Sweden Joker: The mothers there are guaranteed to have the same problems, but they have it a little bit better. Because everyone is used to being mothers and Fathers have to work differently for a while when they have young children! There is a silent social agreement there and that means: That’s just the way it is!
And that applies not only when the mothers are out of the job, but especially when they come back. I always like to quote an entrepreneur who is married to a Swede:
“In Sweden you are a loser as a manager if you fail to pick up your child from the daycare in the afternoon. Basically there are no late afternoon meetings when someone has small children on the team ”.
Happy Sweden, sad Germany?
Bullerbü is not – what has to change:
Our minds are full of ideals and concepts that don’t work. Giving 150% in the job and being the super mother at the same time doesn’t work. It never did. The compatibility of work and child does not automatically come with the expiry of parental leave. And even if you try desperately, it’s mostly not how you imagine it to be. As a working mother, you should do one thing: give up claims. But. I learned it the hard way (only mother-child cure).
Germany in 2017 has a problem with working mothers and the mothers have problems with work. We urgently need more honesty and a family-friendly corporate culture. And child friendliness: Because Bullerbü is not!
Children get sick! If you are lucky, you have a partner or a grandma who can step in. And mom goes to the office bravely and reliably. But sometimes the children are so sick that the mother has to stay at home. It’s so. Mothers can very well assess that: No children cannot be given aspirin and say, pull yourself together and come to the office with your mom. The lovely little ones then go to bed, which also applies to mothers who are sick. Prussian virtues unfortunately do not help us in the long run. They make us stumble quite a bit.
When mom tilts – the republic tilts:
And if mom tilts, the whole republic tilts. But: Father State has a lot of children. We all. All efforts to enable parents to work full-time are nice, but: you can’t delegate your child all day? Relationship takes time! Children need their mothers (or fathers) – not just when they are sick. I don’t want to demonize outside care here, but where do we often leave our children all day?
Most of the educators are just as through as the mothers. Working as an educator is demanding and is underpaid. After 4 years on the board in a parent initiative day care center, I say: educators should basically also have rest periods. But how should that work, in public schools or kindergartens with rigid structures? Nothing has been done for decades – it works. There is another note on the door: everyone sick, children pick up earlier. Mummy can do it? If she takes the child to the office. And if it is a baby that may make noises?
Why you better come to the office with dog puppies:
That may not be a good idea. Dog puppy still beats baby by miles on the popularity scale. Why should I please bring a healthy pension fund depositor to such a company? Raising him, caring for him, working at the same time, even though everyone is turning his nose up at me? To be honest, I am now at least as annoyed by you as you are by me! I’m going to quote myself now. In my last post I pulled puppy Odin out of my hat. Now it’s back:
When a bearded, totally talented creative boss does a 12-month sabbatical, then comes back with a puppy in his arms, and announces in the weekly meeting: "I’m going back to university now, and I only work 30 hours because I have now the dog ”, then everyone sighs blissfully. The man has to be held and he wants it to be. "One for all and all for one".
Colleagues go out with the dog as a matter of course if the creative boss has a deadline, and if he can’t bring “puppy Odin” to the dog sitter in time, Odin comes to the agency. But what if Odin is sick and can’t go to dog school? What if the cute dog pisses on the carpet? Oh god he’s sick. Can happen. Then the creative boss simply does the home office. Odin is so sick – he needs to see a doctor? Oh God, yes of course a colleague has to step in.
If you think I have a bang, I say: NO!
And now at the end a little game: In the previous sentences, swap the bearded creative boss for "creative boss", make sabbatical "parental leave", "puppy" baby, make "dog sitter" babysitter and "dog school" Kita.
No, I never brought my baby to an agency! I’m not a creative boss at all. I am just a normal working single mother. And I don’t have a dog either. I swear.
Addendum for all men / fathers: I wrote this article from the perspective of a working woman because I am one (at least when I last went to the toilet). And even if many men groan under the double burden of family and work (see comment from “a human man”) or more and more fathers are single parents, it is usually the women who do the care work. Is so and now 15 times the dog looking down purely prophylactic!
And if you want to get really upset or laugh more, I recommend the contribution home & stove!
And if you want to make a career, prepare yourself here: The top killer sets that no working mother needs
Part-time – or the poisoned gift
Higher, faster, further: what we can learn from DriveNow drivers.
Notyetaguru
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Comments by Notyetaguru
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181 Comments
Hahaha, sorry, I’m still laughing at your cool beard type puppy comparison – great!
I once had a comparison that went in the same direction, but it was about men and women. I have no children myself and still decided to downshift and work independently on the side. Yes, employers don’t think part-time is great, but the real problem is blamed on the “mothers” group, so I absolutely agree with you.
Incidentally, I sadly work with hardly a mother colleague – they are almost non-existent in my area.
Thanks for this article!
Notyetaguru
Thank you for reading, please. I can only hope that the club’s demographics will fall on the toes of many a boss and his eyes will open. Incidentally, I did my best part-time job in a purely women’s team. All women, all mothers. And: It would be great if there was more job sharing in Germany and not this delusion of presence. LG
Petra
Thanks for this text! Actually, the topic is not to be laughed at, but I do it anyway. It’s just like that. I swear &# 128578;
Notyetaguru
You speak so much from my soul. I have to say I’m very lucky. My job, two toddlers, dog, house, single parent, father in Italy, no family nearby. But thank goodness I have great colleagues and a great circle of friends because I work full time. And so many superiors and co got in my way. There are still fronts. Those who wrinkle their noses and just don’t understand it and feel me to be a burden and unreliable, even put stones in my way and then again the real, wonderful colleagues and comrades (yes, I’m a soldier) who pave the way for me make it easier for me and me move strengthen. For which I am thankful day after day. And fact, dogs are more welcome than children here too. First I came to the office with the child two days a week, then the supervisor changed and I had to "organize" my child within six weeks. Nightmare. But comrades stood by me there too. I now work from home. 40 hours a week, Monday to Sunday evening when the children are sleeping and on Mondays I am in the office where my mice spend the morning in the daycare. And I am very happy. It is terribly exhausting and also very uncomfortable because someone is always sick and you have to coordinate back and forth and please say please, but I’m lucky that an unbelievable number of mums don’t have it. I am independent and secure. Every employer, boss, colleague, etc. should take an example from my supporters. Because if there are no more children and no mums, we will soon be extinct. And children are not annoying or annoying accessories, but our future. Everyone should urgently recall that.
Notyetaguru
I think it’s really great that you have such support. Incidentally, I think that’s something that would help all mothers: a community of solidarity. The old saying still applies: a village needs to raise a child. I wish you a lot of strength! Thank you for finding here! Greetings to the mice and your colleagues!
Franziska
Thank you for this wonderfully honest and heart-refreshing article. It is really sad, however, that there was still no step forward in Germany.
I have witnessed so much of what you write up close and hope that you stimulate thought. Thank you!
Notyetaguru
Oh, Franziska is welcome, indeed, I still have the real hammer stories in the drawer … Odin is just the tail-waving tip of the iceberg! LG
Ellen
Great. Just great. Great text. To the point. Point.
Notyetaguru
A parent
Great written and …
Why don’t you stay home? *
In my opinion, anyone who decides to have children should at least have decided in advance not to go to work in order not to be able to To suspend the balancing act and to take care of the child full-time, preferably together.
If you have to be a SuperMami, then only for your children and for no one else.
* If you are dependent on it because there is no partner, the question is withdrawn.
In addition, if the question arises, we did it for all children and accepted possible financial cuts.
Notyetaguru
To be honest, I like to work. And I had to because I was alone. I think that mothers can and should, if they have enough support. However, I would never send my child to the daycare again at the age of one. It was too early for him, but I think it is very different. I know children where it worked very well. I have to admit that I raised my eyebrow when you commented. Do you want to work again after the family break or can you? I think it’s nice that women have the choice to stay at home, but I’m very critical of that. I really believe that a good daycare center is also important for the development of the children. My child was after the first bankruptcy, then in a small parents’ initiative – 16 children between 2 and 6 years with 3 educators. And a question: What does your future look like without a husband and children? This is not meant to be as bad as it sounds. If you are not dependent on a job (or income) because you are the heir to several apartment buildings in Prenzlauer Berg, the question is withdrawn. If you are even my landlord, of course.
Katherine
very well answered.
Kirsten
Hello “A parent”,
first question: are you a man or a woman? Second question in the same direction “we did it for all children”… Are you the man or the woman in the relationship?
I am very shocked by your question "Why don’t you stay at home?" To the author of this article.
Are you aware of divorce rates? Are you aware that women, even if “everything runs smoothly” is already losing out on part-time work? Are you aware that after several years of full parental leave, you are simply “out” of the job market in many professions?
If you and your partner are happy with the model you choose, both are great. However, I think it is presumptuous to prescribe to other parents how they should deal with the reconciliation of family and work.
Heike
Even if there is a partner, it does not mean that the full-time worker deserves enough. Maybe the mom with the better education in 30 hours is the main earner and brings the bread home.
Speaking of … Sunday morning half past seven, I get up, three pairs of children’s feet are patting and going to get some rolls.
Notyetaguru
Yes, that’s right – but I’m also looking for a 30-hour job like this! What are you doing astrophysics? LG
Ute Gerhardt
Quite apart from the fact that many of us just like to do their job and that on parental leave you often have the feeling that you are slowly becoming stupid between diapers and cheeky egg:
Divorce is a risk. (Have seen many.) Another partner’s death. (Has seen my father.) Another partner who suddenly develops paschal attitudes as a single earner, another. (I have experienced.) Many have already been unable to go to work if they have been outside for too long. And these are precisely the highly qualified people who previously put a lot of time and money into their training. Having to do without them because their knowledge has decayed and is out of date is also economically an absurdity.
One problem that will catch all those who are not working is pensions: a woman who stays at home for the children and is so dependent on such a holistic care system as ours can now prepare for it in Germany, in old age to sleep under the bridge. And then it says again: "Yes, why didn’t you work?" Sure.
Notyetaguru
Yes, I know a lot of women who raised children, always worked and received basic security in old age. For me it is not possible.
Elisabeth
For the vast majority of all families, the question of staying at home with today’s housing costs no longer arises. The only question is whether two years are “in it” or whether it has to be a waiting year. Because in most cities, a family of four can no longer live on an average salary.
For example, we live in Vienna – € 950 for a (subsidized) apartment cold + electricity, + heating / hot water, + insurance, + telephone / internet, + transport costs (public transport and / or car). The first salary is gone. Without having eaten or even buying a piece of clothing. And that’s more than a “normal” salary e.g. in retail only for fixed costs.
(Collective agreement retail in the 8th year of work approx. 1600 gross -> € 1260 net)
Nice if you can afford to stay at home. But that’s no longer the norm.
And "financial cuts" all well and good, but even the most economical family cannot do without fixed costs and food.
Notyetaguru
Yes Elisabeth is so similar here. I would like to move to a cheaper apartment, but I can’t find one. As a mother with a child, you are at the end of the distribution chain. Many families are just above a residence permit, or housing benefit. It would be nice if there was more help or affordable living space. But that’s the next barrel I’m going to open… or all of us.
Now that I have (almost) managed to read all the comments on the article, I have to write something in the last 10 minutes of my part-time job … before I forget it!
I could add my famous ‘mustard’ to all of the individual topics here – but since I just moved, this ‘barrel’ affects me the most. Single parent – and not separate parent, I don’t get regular support from the refugee child father (the end of the world was just good enough for him) and the incredible maintenance advance of 145 euros / month really rips out the extra costs for a 6 year old. Where is the REAL tax support for single earners with children and not the spouse splitting of AnnoDazumal? We don’t even have an advantage when it comes to awarding crèches or kindergartens (at least not in BAYERN) – neither in terms of awarding nor in terms of costs, since that would be ‘unfair to families who both work’ – i.e. Caring for a child alone with the 32-hour part-time job is more than a tightrope walk in MUC. I did it anyway to have my son next to me in bed every night until 1 month ago (lack of sleep is one of the main reasons if the extra pounds don’t want to drop after pregnancy ;-))) when we finally got a Munich model apartment that is supported by the city and REALLY affordable! A third room and own bedroom YIPPPIIII over 65sqm and warm rent ONLY 1111 euros. Jiap – welcome reality. For 4 years I have searched and heard as a rejection: single parents do not go for the landlord because they can not be terminated. And you don’t get what you deserve for the rent + the rest (just worked up to now – had to). That on the free housing market you couldn’t get anything… I was able to somehow stand out 400 competitors for this apartment – and why? Because I was so familiar with tenancy law and the rent index that I simply didn’t take the landlord’s contractual terms for full – I wouldn’t have paid anyway. Fortunately, this contracted back to the legal provisions before the contract was signed and the 3 seasons already installed now correspond to the case law .. also no honey licking – every 3 years 10% + the net rent … but who knows what will happen until then.
In any case, HUT off your great articles, your mega sense of humor and the refreshing way to get around sensitive topics again and again ….
fits very well with my current life motto: "You cannot change the wind, but learn to deal with the sails."
I look forward to many more reading bites.
Notyetaguru
Dear Bea, thank you very much and great that you did it, unfortunately I don’t know myself at all and many other women certainly don’t either. I would like to write an article about it – I’ll send you an email!
Johanna
I find this setting really good.
I find it nice to spend two with my children, but after 2 years at home I was depressed. It is not for everyone (I don’t even know a single one) the great fulfillment of staying with the children at home. The financial side adds to this.
In my opinion it would be a healthy standard if both went part-time, or 30 hours would be considered full-time.
Notyetaguru
I do not understand your comment? ah sorry so late now Lg
Thank you! You speak so many women from the soul. I went the path of self-employment. It is also tedious. A society that has working mothers and all members of society in mind would be a blast!
Notyetaguru
Thank you very much Ines, yes that would be nice!
Michael Kasper
Can understand your satchel well. I see it very differently, that’s why I only hired mothers. I am absolutely convinced of the mommy qualities and the organizational talent of many women with children.
Notyetaguru
Ha! You are the man with the butcher! Michael thank you for the comment and for hiring moms. If you ever come to Berlin with the agency: Ruf! Me! On!
Michael Kasper
Butcher? How do you come up with that? &# 128578; But yes, that’s right.
Berlin is unfortunately not for me. I am a Bavarian village child. &# 128578;
Janka
The text is good! My experience in my early 20s was a boss at the job interview who said I should have two children first and then he would hire me. 10 years later it was time and what happened? So no, they are often not there with small kids and you cannot work overtime…. I am now self-employed &# 128521;
Notyetaguru
Thanks Janka, yes there is always theory and practice. Unfortunately sometimes with bosses. And I also understand why many mothers prefer to be self-employed.
Lutz Bierend
All fathers also work when they raise their children on their own. In this respect, I found myself very well in the text .
Of course, it still annoys to be responsible for everything. For that the children become self-confident but not arrogant people who know what they want. So that they don’t starve to death or have to live at HartzIV level.
It’s a hard job, but somebody has to do it, but when I see my daughter on the stage of Hamburg’s largest private theater next to my Abitur or my son plays his latest compositions, I know it’s worth it.
Notyetaguru
So I’m not annoyed by Lutz’s responsibility, I’m just annoyed by the ignorance of society. I think it’s time for that to change. To be honest, I am quite surprised that it is such a post where Mutti simply describes what it is like from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Don’t you notice? Runs, thanks to mom and some dad.
May I ask or have I overlooked it? Where’s the child father?
Notyetaguru
You can ask everything Anna. However, I don’t understand the question, what does it matter when he’s there? Nothing changes that you are not very high in the class as a working mother. With or without a man.
I do not think so. If the father is also a father and not just a producer, women can work significantly differently. What changes their market value.
The subject of external support also fits here. A word that shows where Germany is culturally – something like “career woman”.
"Children need their mothers – not just when they are sick" – and the fathers?
"I don’t want to demonize outside care here, but where do we leave most of our children all day, and in what condition do they come back?"
I live in the netherlands. Children are brought to the daycare at 7.39 / 8.00 in the morning and are not picked up before 5.30 p.m. And that at the age of 3.5 months, because mom goes back to work often in 80% but also quite a few 100%. Both salaries are also necessary.
And the children also have fathers. My husband is Dutch and his two bosses are also young fathers. Flexible working hours (and less) are not an issue and the children at home are the main topic during the breaks – including fathers, not just mothers.
Notyetaguru
Dear Anna, ah I understand: yes, some have a better grip on men. But seriously: why does this affect my course value as a working mother? That has nothing to do with my competence and in my case does not change my availability. To my quote with the external care. External care is a completely worthless term, at least for me. I don’t understand why you are so annoyed? I just ask about the current state of childcare in Germany. I think that good care is not just about giving children somewhere as long as possible and as early as possible. That is my personal conclusion as a mother and as a former board member in a parent initiative. Perhaps that is heaven in the daycare center in Holland? Here, however, many children of the same age can be looked after by an educator according to the bill. In theory, 1.5 educators can take care of 8.75 one-year-olds at the same time – for about 8 hours. That means practically one and a jumper every now and then when feeding the predators. Even if everyone roars for hours. Nobody should be dependent on such care. Maybe Holland is further on, but I live here.
Judith
Apart from that, the women’s “bonus” is also reflected in the salary of women in their mid-30s and without children. So it doesn’t matter how you do it.
Notyetaguru
Very right Judith!
Ute Gerhardt
“If the father is also a father and not just a producer, women can work significantly differently. "
You just don’t believe that. Certainly not a manager. You can see that the men are never asked at the job interview how they want to “get all this” under one roof. A man with children is seen as responsible. More motivated than others, because “he has to support a family!” A woman is basically a risk. “She has to take care of sick children all the time.” When I see that the colleagues who have been fathers here in recent years are strangely getting to the office earlier and going home later and later, I know …
In addition, whenever something goes wrong, no matter what, the care goes wrong, at least in Germany, as a mother, you are basically the stupid thing that rings out of the meeting from crèche, kindergarten or school.
Even before I separated and divorced, I never once saw my husband called if something happened to one of the children. Not even after we explicitly asked the school in writing (!) Because his working hours were far more flexible than mine. Each, but also really _every_ of these institutions automatically considers the mother’s working time to be cheaper and that she is more expendable in the job and more responsible for the child.
And that’s exactly how it goes with the bosses and managers. For them, it is guaranteed that the woman who rings the doorbell from school will be out of work. It is a vicious cycle!
Notyetaguru
Yes, that’s right, I agree with you. 20 years ago, I was completely annoyed in an interview with a personnel manager when asked about my desire to have children: "Unfortunately, I can’t get one after a total operation" – and after an artful break resolved with a mild smile: Small joke
Sadly true article where I was once annoyed that you yourself used a common cliché until I read that you are a single parent. It excuses me, but I would have expected the article to have a liberal attitude. You write “Children need their mothers” and thus provide the men and colleagues with an undisputed steep template for the perfect excuse.
It is not the mothers who need the children, but a non-changing caregiver. I will soon become a mother of four with a full-time job as a manager in an international corporation. How? I am very fortunate and rare that my husband has been at home for 10 years and keeps everything going. There really is, but unfortunately far too rarely. And since the compatibility of family with 2 full-time working parents / a single, full-time working parent demands such extreme energy and remorse, the saying "Children need their mothers" is the perfect excuse for fathers, colleagues and superiors, that of course only that Women can / have to step shorter to raise the children.
It is the woman’s fault if she does this stress because children need their mothers and not their fathers, grandparents or any other caregiver. Out of pity for the children, you can only support men in the environment of such a “selfish career woman” by recognizing “her” role as a mother and showing her that it is she who overwhelms herself.
Sayings from colleagues like: “I’d better finish it. With a little luck, my daughter will sleep until I get home ”or from bosses like:“ I have encouraged her and now she comes all at once and has to stay at home because her child is sick! ”Are good manners, instead of men being ashamed of it.
I am often promoted in our company as a role model, but it is my husband who is actually the role model and many more men should take an example from. And if only to take more time for the family and not to leave the woman solely responsible for children and the household alongside the job.
I am only now reading Anna’s comment and I fully agree with her. Fathers (if available) are among them! If you want to ignore this for personal reasons (as a daughter of a single mother, I can understand that very well), please at least remember that fathers are also superiors and colleagues and largely agree with you from your own experience: Children need their mothers.
Fathers who withdraw from the role of educators or apologize for being only the leisure dad, since children really only need their mothers, cannot learn to understand the needs of educating professionals.
I was disappointed when my colleague said: "I’m going to be a father again, but don’t be afraid, I’m not taking parental leave". Cooking on the inside and very friendly on the outside, I appealed for his participation in the educational work and asked him to rethink his decision. Businesses and supervisors need to learn how to deal with the time constraints of “bringing the world into the world” of future workers and pensioners.
Nothing will change if women only complain of ignorance, if men are not given the opportunity to experience it themselves. Nor can a man complain that the woman shows so little understanding of the “agony” that going to the urologist brings when 99% of women have no idea what the urologist is like. Now not all women can run to the urologist to put themselves in the role of men, but thanks to parental leave, we have finally been able to give traditional men an insight into the educational work for some years now. A drop of bitterness when it comes to the matter: the two months for men are not compulsory, so I have had to experience how men have had to fight, despite the law, to ensure that the employer also fulfills this right to parental leave.
Notyetaguru
So frankly, I’m pretty amazed that my article can be misunderstood. Of course, I am in favor of fathers being there for their children and taking care of them, even if they are sick. This article is mainly about mothers because I am one. It’s about the incompatibility of child and work. It is about the attitude and attitude towards working mothers. And these rigid working hours that make us skid. I am glad that it works well for you with children and career. Unfortunately, with your model, you are a common cliché of how women with children make careers as managers in large corporations. This often only works when the partner is at home. This shows that the compatibility does not work any other than that one is at home. Of course, children need their mothers when they are sick. Or clear the father. It’s not about who stays at home. It’s just that it is normal for a mother to be able to stay at home when the child is sick. And that it has nothing to do with whether she is a committed employee when she does. Also applies to the father. Of course, a sick child can also stay with the grandmother or the grandfather or with the godfather or with the au pair, or with the neighbor, if the person can take care of himself, is reliable and known, and takes good care of the child.
Thank you. I was single with 10 children for 10 years without the support of my father and you speak to me from my soul. Have another child in about 3 weeks and of course the joy outweighs but if you know what it means, your ass is already on ice. All the best.
Notyetaguru
Dear Lizz everything will be fine, you are in training &# 128521; everything good for you!
Daniela
An incredibly true text – many thanks for that! I am currently sitting on the couch with my cell phone on silent, next to me a (finally sleeping) 3-year-old fever princess, in front of me a cold coffee, next to it an AU child, an uncomfortable feeling in me because I am abandoning my colleagues today must leave. And at school, a 9-year-old who unfortunately missed out much this morning. How the day goes on No idea. Will go around somehow. With a lot of cuddling and love. By mom. Now she just turns her guilty conscience off. Because she has just read a very, very true text, is still smiling and is now just ‘just’ mom. All day long. Point.
Notyetaguru
Yes, there is outbreak here too, but I was able to work from home. And the high fever did not come until Friday at 12 o’clock, very cheap for working mothers, at this point many thanks to the understanding virus.
Friederike v. Hundelshausen
Entertaining article with a lot of truth. However, the biggest problem I see in the mothers themselves, who try to be perfect in everything and that just can’t work. I have significantly reduced my demands on perfectionism with my 2 children. As an extension to your contribution, I would like to refer to mine, in which I wrote about home office with 2 children present: http://blog.germanpersonnel.de/homeoffice-mit-2-anwesenden-kinder/
Notyetaguru
Yes, of course that is also part of the plight, it is also in the article. But also has to do with this mother cult, which is operated in Germany.
Has anything changed in the past thirty-three years other than the laws and care options and prices for them. Except that now the mothers / parents are still at each other’s neck? Although – even in the 80s and 90s – working single parents were mostly outlawed by mothers who were at home themselves. And men who were afraid for their jobs. I am glad that my child is big. Yesterday a young man was walking in front of me. On the back of his hoodie was written: "Don’t let the bastards get you down." With that in mind. Take care.
Notyetaguru
Yes, unfortunately I also notice that. I experienced that as a daughter and now as a mother myself. It is like this: If single parents get along, the two of them can do it really well. And the children also benefit from it. I can not understand why we do not matter in whatever circumstances, because we do not pull together.
Britt Lesley
Amen, sista! Amen!
Notyetaguru
Katja
I can only say that I understood the post exactly right:
In a nutshell: We need more employers with an understanding of working mothers.
I will sign it immediately.
I would love to be home without a guilty conscience when my child is sick.
Notyetaguru
Yes, that would be nice, the day before yesterday I also thanked a former boss for the fact that there was always understanding for it and no one groaned. These non-verbal expressions of displeasure in connection with the sentence: "Of course, if there is no other way" have always made me crazy, both with colleagues, with customers and with bosses.
Andrea
I am now a mother of 14 years and can actually look back on good to very good experiences. A dedicated child father and husband, grandmothers and grandpas in the area, a great day care center from 0-6 for both children (in one place!). Job sharing during parental leave. And yet I did the tackle at some point. Had completely forgotten myself in my clocked clockwork life.
I did it almost without a mother-child cure with several therapy hours to finally get closer to myself … then I took good other paths that more suited to my job AND family. A constant readjustment is necessary. Different models are suitable for different phases of childhood.
In the end, today – where my children are at their worst – I benefit from my practically continuous job. But for me personally it was and is still a tightrope act to keep an eye on myself and not just to function. Because only then will it really run smoothly.
Thanks for this great, amusing article. I sign every sentence. Despite my own positive experiences … unfortunately. The hardest thing for me was the process of becoming a mother. After my daughter’s first birthday, I said: "I’m so glad I didn’t go crazy this year." Everything will change. Inside and outside. And it hurts to say goodbye to old motherhood.
There may be mothers who fulfill the cliché of missing children or demanding extra sausages. I personally don’t know any. Perhaps the problem is also here: a company / department / team is chasing some targets … and suddenly someone comes along and says that they have something else, which is also important to them, they would like to continue hunting, but please, whether the other priority cannot be taken into account. This offends those who have no children (there is more important than money work …) AND who fully identify with the group and make the company goals their own and go the last mile for it (hops, there’s something else too makes sense of my life?) AND those who used to drive the traditional model in their family (without maybe being particularly happy – could it have been different? could it be different?).
I keep wondering what needs to happen to make it really better. Maybe we women and mothers should finally get together (instead of constantly battling each other) and start companies where working differently is normal and yet totally productive?
I’m really looking forward to more refreshing reports of this kind!
Notyetaguru
Dear Andrea, thank you very much – I nod very often. I know what you describe very well. This is how this blog came about. I want to create a place here where mothers find a lot of inspiration – or fathers too. Having a child is a great gift, and it actually changes a lot. This is very exciting and depending on what you bring with you or how you live it can be difficult. That is what this is about because I know it very well. I look forward to seeing you here more often. LG
&# 128578; and you only have one child!
Notyetaguru
actually I shouldn’t have a say &# 128521;
Anne Kremer
Cool contribution, applies in all respects and I am glad that my daughter is now 17 and she was in the daycare when I was 1 year old, I worked full-time in shift work because I am a single parent, my daughter is a great girl, self-confident, competitive athlete, Graduate ….
Ultimately, it took a lot of strength and energy, everyone a lot of success, in whatever way
Notyetaguru
Thanks Anne na that gives me hope &# 128521;
Antje
God, that’s great writing and even though I have a very tolerant boss, I know how hard it is to work 6 hours a day next to 2 small children.
Notyetaguru
Thank you dear Antje!
Astrid
Great article! It really speaks from the soul … as a working mother of a three year old I can only sign that!!
Notyetaguru
Thank you dear Astrid!
Bellaandrina
Great article! We need discussions like this much more and in public! I don’t think there should be any discussion about whether a woman or a man works again after parental leave. Every family should be able to decide for themselves. Unfortunately, women are still discriminated against in terms of salaries because of the “risk” of loss, which, however, actually serves to maintain our society, so the decision that women stay at home is still the more realistic one. If the proportion of men and women who stay at home converge, the salary situation might finally normalize again.
Why should women generally forego the job they have usually acquired over many years, while men can continue as if nothing had changed in the family?
If both of them restrict themselves professionally, and employers consider child-rearing to be important and recognize them accordingly, mothers would not always have to tear themselves apart.
When our daughter was born, there was already parental leave for men, but my husband was immediately signaled that this would not be welcomed and that there was no guarantee that he would get his old job again!
GsD is getting better at this.
In spite of my better qualification, I was only offered the management on the second try, because I cannot work full-time. Now even the home office variant works!
Only possible because my husband, the grandmother and also the understanding of the employer are there!
And our children don’t care whether mom, dad or grandma take care of them when they are sick!
By the way, I think half-day mums do the same job as a full-time worker in half the time..&# 128512;
Notyetaguru
Yes, I think with the understanding of the employer and a good environment, and I do as much full-time in my half-day jobs as I did before – simply because I have to and I’m much more focused. LG
Xayriel
Thanks for the contribution, you speak to me from the soul.
I love going to work, 40 hours full time, not a thing. Together with my husband and clever opening times for kindergartens and kindergartens, we can do it quite well.
What I can’t do is keep illnesses away from my family, no matter how hard I try. And unfortunately I also get sick myself, which is incredibly surprising when everyone around you hurls viruses and bacteria. How I like to surf on the flu wave!
As a consequence, I had a personal interview on Monday, I would be too much and that would not be possible in my position.
Super boss, exactly the motivation I need, now I’m feeling much better. And great that your wife can stay at home due to your super-super salary and can take care of your two children, who are about the age of mine. So that you can then conduct such fantastic employee interviews undisturbed.
I then informed the boss that he should either create a clever agent arrangement or look around for a replacement.
Desirée
I find such superiors so very cheeky. How can he say that ?! As the father of two children, he should be able to understand that. At least a bit. But as you say, he has his nanny at home. If it fails, a world collapses for him and everyone suffers from starvation because he cannot find the butter.
My former boss drove his 16 year old daughter to school and picked him up every day. 16. He gave me notice because I missed so often as a mother.
I am urgently in favor of a state maternal salary. We educate the future and look into the tube later when we only have cleaning jobs left because we are 10 years out.
Notyetaguru
I think that dealing with illness is a problem per se. We all go to the office sick as a matter of course, unless we are operated on with at least general anesthesia. Somehow we unlearn a normal, healthy way of dealing with ourselves when we grow up. See your boss: From nice cuddly children with chickenpox and snotty noses, adults in management positions who cause more problems than solve. Incidentally, I have a very nice childhood illness here. I could send you some of that. If you put him on the table at the next personal interview, he should take a sniff! LG
Desirée
Oh that’s yesterday’s snow. Was 5 years ago. Hahaha chickenpox we would have in a double pack. One month in solitary confinement;))
Notyetaguru
For Xayriel’s boss, the virus is sorry Desirée &# 128521;
Xayriel
Thank you for the offer, which unfortunately is of no use, because my boss comes to work completely spotty with puffy eyes and persistent cough. The fact that his employees drop out in packs 2-3 days later is pure coincidence and is only due to their poor work ethic.
Martin
Greatly written article that is also humorous!
We are almost always at home with our three children aged 5.3 and 1 year and we work as freelancers. I honestly couldn’t imagine having a permanent job on the side. Because the stress you describe would make me sick. Certainly our three children, who are not yet “out of the worst”, are also something special. May I ask if anything would change for you if there was an unconditional basic income and you were free to schedule?
Notyetaguru
Sorry Martin, but I missed your comment: Yes, the basic income would be great, and of course it would be great if I were free in my schedule. There are many mothers who have 2 jobs and still cannot get a green branch. And the really caustic thing is that, as part-time women with a mini-job – despite 40 hours a week and the stress – we have none of this in old age.
Desirée
I am also a mother of two children. Because of my husband’s work, we currently live without family ties, i.e. without grandmas and grandpas who could step in.
In the meantime I have decided that it is an absolute lie to get work and motherhood under one roof. Here too (outside of Germany) the state and society suggest that it is totally worthwhile to tear yourself apart so effortlessly and dance at several weddings at the same time – that is not a problem. In retrospect, I have found the past 7 years to be extremely exhausting for everyone – I, my children, society, my husband, I wanted to show everyone that I could do it. I even got fired once because I had to stay at home more (child sick) than work. The second time my very conservative boss showed me through the flower where I actually belong.
Above all, I was always annoyed that I had fooled myself for years. Always in the hamster wheel – full throttle without looking to the right and left. Always the feeling of being short of time and missing out on things.
Now I’ve pulled the emergency brake!
I don’t want all of this anymore. Not like this anymore!
I quit my beloved mini-job and took the plunge into self-employment. Now I feel free and, above all, unobserved. No more unpleasant explanations because I have to cancel due to childhood illnesses. I am my own boss!
So now I’m happy and I hope that continues.
Notyetaguru
Yes, it is very tiring, especially without a family or network – and many find independence to be very liberating. But this works very difficult if, for example, you only have income. LG
Katja
Great article !
Where are the fathers actually? ?
The fundamental difference to Sweden and other countries: here women have to reconcile job and child. Usually makes sense – the man is much sooner on the career ladder and sits on posts in which a woman is reluctant to be seen anyway. Because women have children, and then the job has to be compatible with it.
Very nice the description from the first day of the kite. I call it the immunization phase. For 80% of the children, you can count on being in the care for a maximum of half the time. In the other, they are sick. Then mom has to look.
In theory, dad too. But very often only theoretically.
So far, when I apply, every employer has asked how I organize it with the children. No idea if that’s legally okay – but the problem is obvious and is known.
How many men are asked that? And how many organize ?
The only area where this seems to be working is in the civil service.
It would be possible anywhere. But not common.
Fortunately, I’m smart with the 3rd child. I pack the first kindergarten winter into parental leave.
&# 128521;
No wonder that academics and successful women in Germany are having fewer and fewer children.
This seems to make sense primarily if reproduction is the highest and only achievement in life. With ambitions going further, children seem to get hard to reconcile. In one job more – in the other less.
We still have a lot to do …
Notyetaguru
We have no Swedish conditions here. I think it would change something if parental leave was really split 50:50 by law. Everyone should be able to handle it. I know a lot of men who would like to have taken parental leave, but there was an outcry from the department, especially among men in higher positions. No matter whether it was a conservative company or a creative agency. We cannot deal with the absence of employees. The family break is unfortunately still the career stop in Germany. This mainly affects mothers. LG
Susanne
I am more than enthusiastic about this article … I have read all the comments written so far and of course have to say that not all families are lucky that dad or mom have a leading position in the job.
I was lucky that grandma and grandpa were at home and supported me mega when I wanted to go back to work 25 years ago (felt like I was going to be stupid), so I wanted to work despite the child. Fortunately, I prevailed and gave up the classic family structure (man works – Muddi throws the household and Dad just moans about how difficult everything is).
At some point I was alone (a guarantee card: no one gets happy until the end of life). I had a job and didn’t get into the financial crisis. That’s just why mothers should go to work.
I am a happy grandma and try to support my daughter wherever possible … hmmm the grandmothers from "today" are also full time!
My daughter has to work again in the middle of the year because otherwise the financial burden after parental leave would not have to be borne. Fortunately, she has a great man who is very committed to his family but still can’t stay at home.
Yes I know, what is all this about now what Grandma is writing. My daughter is in a typical female profession and is currently planning her return. I sat with her for hours to create the cheapest working time model for her. One shouldn’t forget that the kindergarten fees are so high that most women only work part-time for day care (sad, sad).
First it was said, organize your working time as you need it (oh how nice) and now that things are getting serious the boss (no children herself) wants my daughter to work only in the afternoon. (Child 1 is 2 years and child 2 is 8 months).
Abdominal pain now the viruses do not stop at the door, the "failure" is already inevitable.
I work in the human resources department and see a lot of moms running home after their jobs and doing the balancing act all day (very few fathers, since they are still generally the “breadwinners” of the family)
Now I am seeing this in my family for the second time (myself and now my daughter) and I am angry and sad that there is still no rethinking. We will certainly not make it in the near future, but I think such articles as here encourage you to think and so if I am allowed to do so, I will simply take them to my department and discuss them.
I wish everyone a nice and relaxing Sunday with the kids who should not only become the next taxpayers but are simply an enrichment in life.
Notyetaguru
Dear namesake, yes, the grannies are a big building block in the construction of Lego turrets. It’s great that you support your daughter so much! With such ludicrous demands against mothers, such as suddenly working in the afternoon, the comb swells, my thyroid gland, which is actually completely removed, triggers the alarm and I want to go to the barricades. Incidentally, it is very popular to get rid of mothers elegantly in this way. They are faced with unsolvable tasks. You can be glad if this boss does not say in 4 years: I need you here on the day of schooling!
Biggi M
Thanks for this text!
I myself have just been released from a single parent with a child with special needs – for a full-time employee. That hurts a lot and our fears of existence are big. The worst are the many cancellations as soon as you honestly mention single parent with toddler. But I love my child very much and that is what brings us through difficult times, even if not every employer has a heart and understanding for mother and child.
Notyetaguru
As an "old" working mom with many different employers from many different industries and very different bosses (man, woman, etc.), I pat you on the back of Biggi and say: Unfortunately, this happens very often and to the best of us. What particularly affects single parents is the lack of protection against dismissal in small businesses. They can do pretty much anything with you there for operational reasons, that woman / man will notice very quickly if she / he is no longer available and flexible and frugal. Because we are so reliable and resilient – we bring this beautiful pound with us from our circumstances, so we proliferate until we can no longer. But we don’t earn with it, nor do we earn it.
Lutz S.
You raise children together. That was never a question for me. I never thought much about sharing housework. I do that without crying and praising myself for all the “heroic deeds” I have done before I take my child to school. No, I don’t like to iron until almost midnight at night, I do it anyway. My daughter should grow up in an environment in which the joys and burdens are distributed. I don’t know if it’s always fair. By the way, my wife is woken up every morning with a cup of freshly brewed milk coffee. For fifteen years. But only when school meals are ready and the dishwasher is ready to start again.
Notyetaguru
Ah Lutz yes that’s all normal, and usually you raise children together, which I don’t understand now is: Do you find this text stupid or not – maybe you can put “rinse aid in the dishwasher” again? Incidentally, it is not a question of praising my poorly skilled household chores, if that was not clear.
Paula
Thanks for this text. Thanks for main and part-time job.
I am a mother of five and not too lazy to work! I have a job! BTW I only do the job with 1.5 hands! Thanks for your text the best I’ve read in a long time.
Notyetaguru
Please Paula – five times mom: "Age is that blatant" my child would say! hats off!
Muddi
I also had good experiences in a pure mother’s team. Even our childless boss is always amazed by so much flexibility and mutual helpfulness! However, if he shows us as an exemplary example to other departments, the only result is that we will be smiled at even more. Sad but true.
Notyetaguru
Why do you have to smile at what works? I do not understand. I think that’s an example of encouragement! LG
Astrid
Great article!
I guess more flexible working hours will be more and more difficult if you look at where we are heading. So only a good social network and sensible care for the kids really helps. The former is often difficult to set up due to the demographic conditions (moving away, moving, constantly moving families etc etc) in order to be able to give your children into the hands of friends or family. And the second … Well, there is no need to comment. Everything is just too immature and not coordinated. The low-wage sector makes the whole thing even more stressful, many cannot get out of the hamster wheel. Reconciliation of work and family life, for many it is simply only feasible if ideal conditions prevail. There is an urgent need to rethink and this will happen at the latest in the course of the digital revolution, but is now going too far.
In any case, all mothers are good mothers – no matter how they live their motherhood. Fear or a guilty conscience are bad guides. Women should not base each other on this, but should show solidarity. That would at least be a step away from meaningless blame.
Notyetaguru
Yes, I think it’s all bad with mothers bashing – or one-parent versus one-parent, and I believe that we are giving away a lot of potential and power. If we pooled our strength, respected and supported each other, we would be further. LG
Franziska
Thank you thank you thank you! Big cinema, there is nothing more to add.
Notyetaguru
Please Franziska! Still find it more great than stupid, that gives hope! LG
Maria79
A very good article. There are only three things I would like to think about: Are educators with an average salary of EUR 3500 really underpaid. I know many students who have to work full-time at this rate. Furthermore: I do not understand the problem. Every woman chooses the situation voluntarily. You don’t have to have children if you don’t want to. And it has been known for decades that the compatibility of family and work is not so great in Germany. And of course you also have less time for your own child when you work. This is because the day still only has 24 hours. So what’s the problem. If you want to have both, you have to live with having to cut back in both areas. Point. How should the state change that? Should he introduce 36 hour days for mothers who work? By the way, even as a childless person you have disadvantages in your job. Yes indeed. You are often shuffled back and forth locally and even less consideration is given to private matters regarding overtime. Incidentally, there are also many women in the situation of having to take care of relatives and agreeing this with the job. It is at least as difficult. But let’s face it, we shouldn’t be happy about the children or giving family members an honorable retirement instead of spending unnecessary time writing, reading and commenting on articles like the above.
Notyetaguru
So Maria I unfortunately do not understand your comment: Are you now upset about me, about the article? And where do educators have such a salary? Most educators here in Berlin don’t have it, and many are women who don’t have a full-time job. No, I’m not an educator. If I were to argue like you, I would now simply say: "Unwind, my child pays your pension" – but I don’t! The loving mother in me and sister shake hands with you and say: “Maria what the hell is going on? Help me once a week, and then we’ll eat together and chat – and I’ll help you with whatever in return ”. Anyway: I read your comment so that you also know what it is like to do work that is not adequately rewarded and still cares for someone. Yes, it is indeed difficult at times. Thank you for that. There are many in Germany in one boat. But what makes me a little sad about your comment is that he lacks compassion, that is something that is very normal in Germany – and a reason why we experience more and more social injustice. This blog is also about LG
I think I understand Maria. I work (fortunately only part time) and have two children. I am often unhappy with the situation and, if possible, would rather do one thing “right” – in my case, be there for my children, at least as long as they are small.
No matter what we working parents want, the day only has 24 hours and if you also need sleep, something is inevitably neglected. There is simply not enough time to really get 100% involved in work and at the same time not to neglect the family. The guilty conscience towards both sides is always there.
And nobody can really help you with this dilemma. Of course, it would be wonderful for us parents if it were always possible to e.g. Comes to work later and / or leaves earlier so that you can take your children to school or kindergarten and pick them up. Or that you can stay at home when the children are sick. Unfortunately, however, this means that often someone else suffers from it. If we spontaneously stay at home (unfortunately children rarely get so sick that you can plan ahead), a colleague has to step in. Of course you want colleagues to understand and many have. But I can also understand that it can be annoying if you have to step in often just because you don’t have children yourself. After all, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have important obligations or things that are important to you without children (and by that I don’t necessarily mean the puppy Odin…;).
No matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that everything is possible at the same time, in my experience you can never do everyone justice and someone always falls by the wayside. Unless maybe you have completely easy-care children who go to kindergarten / school happily every day, almost never get sick and also reliably give their parents enough sleep at night. Maybe these children really do exist, then I can also imagine that it can be relatively relaxed to get family and work under one roof!
But even then you would miss a lot of time with your children, e.g. Work full time. As Maria wrote, nobody can give us a 36 hour day (unfortunately).
And how many times have I thought that I have spent far too much time reading articles on this topic and then feeling bad because then I always feel that I am not quite up to date because I do so much prefer to spend time with my children than with my job. Actually, you should just do your thing as it suits you and your family best, and not compare yourself to others at all.
Incidentally, I’ve never commented on anything before, this is the first time. &# 128521;
In the sense, many greetings with the hope that at some point the different life models and plans will simply be accepted by everyone and that no one really has to feel under pressure to justify what makes him and his family happy and satisfied.
Eva Rueter
Thank you for this so good, unfortunately true text!
Erdnuckel
Oh yes … I am currently fighting on the frustration front … Kindelein is shortly before 2, since the 1st birthday in the daycare and there absolutely happy. If the daycare is too complaining, it is pretty nice &# 128521; I have been working again since then
Full time. Part-time does not work because I am a teacher, more specifically, a special education teacher at a community school. With part-time, the schedule is so caustic, you have lots of free hours, so you are just as long away from home … and lesson preparation at school is not possible for me. So gives less money at just as little time. Nope. Dad also works there. Our superiors (the school management – the Senate is not meant here) are great, as are the colleagues. Nobody complains because either the father or I or both of them are just sick (first day in kindergarten … the child is usually sniffed for a maximum of 2 days …) and the lessons have to be canceled again. Child sick, sick himself, fits, that’s just the way it is. But the time has come: even the pupils complain that “there is never any organic”. And among schoolchildren with special needs, I notice immediately if I am absent again for a week. So I think three times whether there is no other way. (And whether the dad or I stay at home with child sickness decides our schedule. Where is the least likely to fail?) And I’m all fixed at the same time because I see my child getting dressed in the morning and getting ready for bed in the evening. One of us has to skip the conferences anyway – the daycare doesn’t have more than 6 p.m. (apart from the fact that from 5 p.m. my child is the only one there – and that’s really not a nice thought). There are no grandmas and grandpas here – although they also drive 300km around at
Day care training day to look after the grandchildren. And the twin mom friend often picks her up at 4 p.m. so that she doesn’t have to be alone in the daycare. But you don’t always have to ask “conference again…”. The little one was already in school – so with flying changes. I have it for the first 4 hours, then Dad takes it and skips 2 hours because the little one has to take a nap. (This then runs through “the small official way”, because “something like that” is not provided… sick leave is not possible – because then one would have to be absent all day.) And she does a lot, but sleeping with math in the classroom is nevertheless Requires too much &# 128521;
I’ve always been engaged. Committees, working groups … I let everything go. I can’t do sports and hobbies (regularly) either. I have no more energy. Just a guilty conscience. And dissatisfaction. But no idea how I can change that. And that despite the fact that Papa does everything equally and creates even more freedom for me. (The question about “why don’t you stay at home?” I answer with: the blanket falls on my head. I need and want to work!)
So. Today I don’t have to prepare anything anymore. Because spontaneously I was not at school Thursday and Friday because of the conjunctiva of the child, and I can now use the material tomorrow &# 128521;
Notyetaguru
Yes, the eternal fight mom against virus. Oh god conjunctivitis just with the word I need post-traumatic red wine. Buck up!
Susanne
Oops Maria … no not everyone has to have children and not everyone has to have understanding for working mothers but there are a lot of people who like to work, love their children and have a lot of understanding for people who don’t want children.
Feeling for a child can only be described but not simulated so that you can convey to women or men how unconditional love feels.
This article should also be for women who are in the job exactly as you described it.
Balancing between mother and being on the job is a challenge in Germany. Sometimes more sometimes less. I belong to a generation that represents something like a sandwich, on the one hand I have my daughter with family and on the other hand I have a mother that I care for and then there is a full-time job that challenges me (oh … and friends and own life)
All my thing, of course, but women who can not understand it should really try to organize such a day. Hats off to women who have more than one child. I am often out of breath with a daughter.
Oh yes … most mothers are accused of not doing anything except family !! They should think of themselves and still be self-actualizing (whatever that means) and look good and tough, oh yes and do sports so that the stress is reduced, maybe the day should be 36 hours for women then there are only happy children with happy parents and a happy environment that doesn’t bother the mothers.
Daniel
My recipe: 2017 is the year of relaxation. It doesn’t always work, but since I’ve been better planning my appointments in business, listening to my wife and my very best buddie (really) and starting to separate important from really important at the age of 40, I’ve definitely been doing better.
Notyetaguru
that’s always good, then stay here and do YOGA with me!
Thanks for this wonderfully written article, which unfortunately unfortunately fits only too well. Nice that you get to the point!
The end of my 2nd parental leave is approaching and I am very indecisive and unsure how to go on …
Best wishes
Notyetaguru
Yes, I know the feeling – all the best for you!
Maria79
The salary is not a secret and can be looked up in the collective agreements by the civil service. After 5 years of work, it is also over 3100-3600 euros gross full-time in Berlin, which is not bad for an apprenticeship.
I think the article is really good. I just think that women with double exposure are not so bad that we have to complain. We actually like to do it and there are really worse things. Of course, we encounter incomprehension among employers. But that doesn’t scratch me. I don’t just want to live for work. And I am ready to accept professional disadvantages for my family life. That’s just the way it is and there’s no other way. The day has 24 hours. You can’t do everything perfectly. And we don’t have to! I may be a little emotionless because I see it very objectively … I’m happy when everyone in my family is healthy and able to see each other every day, if not around the clock. Can’t get excited about everyday stress. This is the life I chose … and what I like, even if it is exhausting.
caddy
Thank you for the great article. He speaks from my soul, as do many comments here. I am a half-day working mother of a Kiga child, who feels like a single parent with a professionally integrated man who can take care of the household, dog, cats and patchwork family in addition to job and child. Unfortunately, I also have to experience in the job that a supervisor with several children has no real understanding of my situation, that my husband simply cannot stay at home when the child is sick and torpedoed the attempts of my direct, very understanding colleagues who want to relieve me of my working hours … doing half the time I’m there doing almost the same work as my full-time colleagues.
I also very much regret the lack of solidarity among women mentioned here. Some of my husband grew up in Turkey and saw how women’s groups with many children supported each other. Two of them took care of all the children, two of them cooked food, two of them did the laundry and at the end of the day they all went home with full pots, clean laundry and happy children. Unfortunately, this does not work in this country. In any case, I have neither my family here in the area, nor have I even started to establish such a network of mothers in the last 4 years.
I wish all mothers and fathers the support they need in order to be able to enjoy their children with no problems!
Notyetaguru
Dear Caddy sorry but I saw your comment so late! Yes, I think the lack of solidarity is one reason why we are not making progress. I think mothers are all in the same boat. No matter whether you are a single parent or not. Even single mothers are very hesitant to form networks, even though they need more help among themselves. I take my own nose there. But I’m on the right track. Thank you for your comment. And a little question: aren’t the patchwork children already at the age of household help? Maybe you will find women in a similar situation in your city / town? Isn’t there at least one nice mother in KiGa? I would hang up a note there or somewhere else with an email without a name where you can get in touch? LG
Stina
Good text! By the way, the text at Edition ultimately had the same message – the headline and the beginning were probably so provocative &# 128521;
Notyetaguru
Yes, I fell for it too
A human man
This problem certainly also affects single fathers, provided that they would get custody of the children at all. That’s where the problem starts.
It takes two to father children. That’s why there are two who should take care of children. Unfortunately, the mothers mostly pull the custody card and at the same time take on the problem of time management. And now? Assign the blame to others?
Often it is often better to give custody to the mothers. But you have to leave your fathers completely outside?
In families with two parents, it is often the men who have to work hard to ensure that the family is looked after.
I myself work around 60 hours a week alone. And to do that without excess. When I get home, things like shopping, cooking, cleaning, repairing defective things, checking accounts, insurance, tax returns, … are waiting for me?
Yes, our child sometimes waits longingly for me to come home. You should see the disappointment on his face when I have to say "Unfortunately I can’t play with you today because I’m still … ..". Often kills me.
Speaking of getting ready: the 60-hour working day alone breaks you down, after that you still have strength for the other work and doing it is often difficult. You do it for the family so that everyone is looked after.
I hardly have time for me. I use the times when I can think about pending private or family projects. “… Have you already booked for your vacation?… When will we finally build the terrace?… The rabbits will come in 2 weeks. Has the rabbit hutch already been built? … The windows should be replaced, they are not tight …. In case of driving rain, water penetrates through the basement wall, what can we do? … ”
You see, it is certainly not just single mothers who have problems with time management etc. after having children. I could go further here, but I think that’s enough for now.
Notyetaguru
Thank you for this comment – a very clever childless friend always likes to say: under each roof one oh! Anyway: If you were a woman instead of a “human man” I would ask you the following simple questions: “Why don’t you stay at home?” And “Why rabbits?” – Supplement: I meditated and ate cheesecake during my lunch break. Why are you doing it all when you’re not happy? I think if a child has the choice between a) vacation, b) terrace and c) rabbits or d) just playing with dad, then the answer is d)! My God go to the basement with your wife, look for the water and talk Tacheles?
Ingrid
Best article in a long time. Thank you! I laugh myself limp. The bum on my shoulder doesn’t bother. #highfive
Notyetaguru
This is how it should be: Continue complaining and cheerful mom
Valerie
Thanks for this wonderful article! It is so good to read that other mothers feel like me too.
And how much I want exactly this cohesion of mothers, also in Real Live.
Thank you for your words and your honesty and courage!
Thank you thank you thank you! &# 128521;
Notyetaguru
Dear Valerie, I think many mothers feel the same way – and I also hope that all mothers network and stand together more – whether with a man or without. Basically it is like this: If single working moms and their children get along well, it works even better for those with partners!
Sigrid
Unfortunately it is so, I was lucky to only work late in the hospital up to 2 children, from 13-16: 30 I had a supernanny and then my husband was there, after the parents’ half-year 1981 I moved to Hessen and in the night service until Worked in 2008. I wonder today how we did everything and today we have our neighbor girl 3 afternoon because the daycare does not open as needed but still as in the 80, past the need…. Thanks for the article
Notyetaguru
Yes West Germany oh god – if you needed a daycare there in the afternoon ….
Anna Möller
You write (and scream) from your soul! At least me and I would like to add: I don’t just want to be a working mom, I have to! Life (and especially the kindergartens) is damn expensive and you wonder why you have fewer and fewer children in Germany. Because of this and because of the reasons given in the article. Grrrrr!
Notyetaguru
Yes it is dear Anna – thank you
Petra
Perhaps the fathers of the children shouldn’t just be scrapped by these “great” mothers?
Notyetaguru
Dear Petra, I don’t know what you mean? Are you bothered by the sentence that children need their mothers? And just because mothers cope with their everyday life without a father, or are separated, does not mean that the fathers are discarded?
AnnaSue
Top article &# 128578; That’s the way it is. Career break through child?
In my industry it felt like the Gran Canyon was opening.
Emancipation begins with good childcare and we are still a long way from that.
I am 40 and have 2 wild boys. You are confronted with taboos every day and sometimes you fight against the mother mafia. “No you can’t beat Janole. You are now 2 and I ask you to express your frustration appropriately… ”-“ Oh, noe, sorry my child is poorly brought up and the quiet mode is just broken! ”
Mums are allies and you love each other &# 128521;
The generation waiting list should support each other.
Have a great time. I’ve never been so tired in my life …
and never so filled with love and happiness.
Notyetaguru
Generation waiting list great. Yes the mommy wars and the competition, my child is better than yours. And wild boys? They have to go to the forest kindergarten! If there is none, found one! http://bvnw.de Find fellow combatants.
Kerry
First, please be patient if my German is not so good. Let’s go! I lived in Germany for 4 years 10 years ago. Even then I had a toddler (2 years) and had a job as a postdoc at the university. Even then it was amazing to me that the “all day nursery”, if you could even find a place, closed at 4:30 p.m.! So how should you work?
In comparison, almost all mothers work in Australia. How so? Because we are all raven mothers (how many times have I heard that in Germany !!)? No, because it’s just a lot easier. I was able to choose my working days and hours myself and got important projects despite working part-time. It’s not a mothers’ paradise yet, but compared to your story, it is obviously much better.
It would be great if you published this story in English. I laughed myself to death, and that’s how you learn difficult things, doesn’t it?
Notyetaguru
Dear Kerry, thank you very much for your comment, I think it’s good to know how it works otherwise. Yes, flexible hours or happy time management is great. Of course, this is not possible in some jobs, for example if you work as a doctor in shift work, but it would work in many professions and areas. It is also the case that there is basically a very hesitant attitude towards home office. I have to say that I did as much on a home office day as I did on two office days. It doesn’t mean that you are automatically productive when you are in your office. Germany is very clumsy there, and with the English yes I can do it, a friend of mine learns German with my private Facebook posts very successfully and funny.
Undemanding and squeaky fun
Women suffer – but "they like to do it". If you have no claims.
“Germany has to get used to the fact that women work with children. They like to do it… "
So women like to work. What is it that excites you about it? Most women have such tremendously creative and healthy jobs, in the office while filing files with little movement and a lot of stress plus a pinch of bullying culture; in the shift work that draws shadows under the eyes; as a teacher or teacher, who usually has to retire early because they are exhausted?
And finally, you can also see a lot of squeaky-happy grannies who deliver newspapers – if they don’t already belong to the increasing number of those who cheerfully whistle through trash cans for deposit bottles. But none of that matters if a woman adheres to one rule:
"As a working mother, you should do one thing: give up claims."
Also noteworthy is the request to the bosses:
"We urgently need more honesty and a family-friendly corporate culture."
So please, dear exploiters … um employers: Be a little more honest and family-friendly. You can ask for overtime, continue to pay lousy wages and put pressure on performance – but family-friendly. How should that work? Come up with something, we don’t know either.
Or does the author have suggestions as to how to grow islands of intimate family friendliness in the midst of a competitive society in which people use nothing but a means for the purpose of "growth"??
Notyetaguru
I have a lot of Wolf ideas, and I regularly trumpet them here when I get to them &# 128521; because it can’t stay that way – and I have the following problem with your comment: I’m not undemanding and squeaky, that’s why I’m here. I move in this system and try to survive. I have developed a gallows humor since my early childhood that helps me! This is also reflected in the style in this blog, so you have to deal with it, as with life! Of course, many women like to work (even myself today, for example). Sometimes the universe unfortunately does not serve cocoa with whipped cream in bed, but unsweetened nettle tea among egomaniac office stallions uh mares, you can drink or pretend to tip into the office palm tree. Has happened in the last 20 years: Thanks neoliberalism ❤️️ annoying I know! We don’t live in Bhutan, but now and here. What and how do you live? Giving up claims simply refers to the fact that many mothers want to do everything 150% and that is not possible! Unfortunately, you misunderstood! And of course Germany needs more honesty and family friendliness. I find that with such exaggerated formulations, as in your comment, we unfortunately achieve nothing. And unfortunately, with task and bitterness, nothing.
Maaike Dirkx
Great text, I could really feel it. I am also a single parent but I am very lucky to work at a school as an art teacher. It was exhausting but I know what I’m doing it for. Vacation at the same time as my kids and at 4pm. Otherwise I didn’t know how I should have packed it.
You do great work, in your text and in real life. Still hope that your situation and that of other mother relaxes. Unfortunately, the mindset among the Germans has to change first. Maybe your text will help a little :))))
Notyetaguru
Thank you and let’s see where we go with this blog!
It was good to read it because afterwards you don’t feel like a looser anymore. I thought for a long time that I wouldn’t bring it or be lazy, but there was simply a lack of opportunities and therefore no motivation. In my opinion it is not enough to "re-job-ialize" women, because as you say, they can no longer do the job as they used to. But in our society that means that they MUST make it worse. It strikes me several times a day what a structured invention monster I have become since I have children. Whenever a family problem arises … I don’t need long and have a solution that is incredibly unconventional, because nobody can judge me for it. The kids are just grateful. In my opinion, this is a treasure that reaches children, but whose economic potential ends up in the bin, a serious mistake, I think. A completely different world of work would have to be created, in which EVERYONE would find a place … then we would also like to work up to the age of 75 or so instead of getting sick leave due to burnouts in early retirement. Sounds too easy? It’s easy! Women should not start again 1: 1 where they left off in the 8th month of pregnancy, they should fill strategic jobs, research, analysis, … I run all day anyway with 86 ToDo’s in my head through the dm and the playgrounds of the mother-child-neighborhood,… I could easily make plans that are important, that would give ME job-related meaning again.
Notyetaguru
Thanks and yes I think so too! At every logistics congress with 6.67% women (my own crazy estimate) I thought: “This branch is the hit for mothers because who if not us?” Lg
Verena
What was this article doing right now? And yes, even more, and even more so in 2017, women or men with children still have to shout out loud that the combination of work and family is one that challenges everyone involved and for which there is still no adequate patent management. Something in this construct is not always fair to people. Lowering demands is an important step, I think (especially when it comes to certain cleanliness requirements). But actually we should all fight for the fact that work, even though it is usually a more rational sphere in contrast to the family and therefore perhaps also contributes somewhat to psychological relaxation, does not take up so much part in our life. 32 hours a week for everyone! (and less enslaved independence).
Best regards, Verena
Notyetaguru
I know a lot of great mothers who are now qualified yoga teachers who still have the capacity! I’ll just introduce everyone here, I’ve just decided! Thank you for the inspiration. I don’t understand why you can’t offer more company yoga. Instead of Christmas party drinking or after work chilling on parking decks with craft beer, we mothers are out anyway. And time management courses for mothers are somehow not entirely appropriate. Everything should arrive at the boss, HR and at the tax office or the company health insurance. It is also more effective than mother-child therapy!
Verena
Yes, I also discovered yoga at some point and learned to appreciate it very much, but even that didn’t help in the worst of times. But to stay on the subject: it cannot be that we all always with try to cope with this system-inherent overload individually. That is what bothers me so massively.
Notyetaguru
Yes, of course, many mothers work far too long and overwork. The sentence “I can no longer” is unfortunately still far too late, because we do not like, make, demand, just show no weakness in our society. But what do we get from it when everyone always pretends that everything is fine? And yoga is indeed great – a lifesaver if you can get involved
I discovered evening ironing in my girlfriend. Sounds totally ‘stupid’, but ideal for me.
A little bit of housekeeping and besides, we can laugh totally limp or just be silent and indulge our own thoughts. This is my time out from the family.
I’m more of an owl anyway, but my husband goes to bed early.
(No, not every day … 2x week &# 128521)
Notyetaguru
It is very ok. But I have a request: 1 x a month of wine instead of ironing with the girlfriend. Or even better yoga. And the practical tip: simply put the most important laundry under the mat in front of the Savasana:
Dörthe
Great writing, reasonable attitude!!
Susemii
The comment I got was: You decided to have children yourself, then you have to set priorities! – Yes, but of course the children only grow through air and love … Who needs money?!
Notyetaguru
Yes the saying is a classic! Unfortunately. By the way, when I’m not nodding off on the keyboard, I’m working on a nice post about killer phrases
Didn’t read everything. At least two wrong because sentences !! That is not how it works. In a sentence with because the verb comes to the end..
Notyetaguru
So Anna if that’s your only problem as a mother, and BECAUSE you write a sentence so beautifully, wrongly but confidently, I would like to congratulate you ❤️️ You are well on the way to becoming a happy mother!
Andrea
Great written! It’s so. Am a single, self-employed management trainer. Challenging, sometimes exhausting, sometimes pissed off with conscience, and usually just proud to be able to do it all with satisfaction. We can be damn proud of ourselves!
Notyetaguru
chris babo
at a time when you can only start a career in many companies if you are available 24/7 and “resilient” or the number of overtime hours is considered a performance parameter, you unfortunately have no chance as a mother. Despite the excellent performance, you have a stamp on your forehead.
Notyetaguru
Yes, that’s a shame and unfortunately also very stupid. Companies are giving away potential and losing valuable employees because who is more reliable and loyal than “Mutti”? And: We just forget that things cannot go on like this. We are heading for the social burnout. We urgently need to change structures. LG
Great article, a lot of real truth. I laughed a lot in between, although you almost had to cry. The puppy comparison …
I am also at home in the second Week in which I juggle working hours and childcare.
Last week my younger son had a fever for 2 days (also exactly on his 3rd birthday). I stayed at home for three days on a child sick note. Children are only allowed to go to TaMu free of fever after 24 hours, which is why the 3rd day.
This week the TaMu is canceled due to illness of your children. I knew that on Sunday lunchtime. After all. I took the Lütten with me on Monday and had his girlfriend pick me up at lunchtime (after she had finished working), since I work at 7:15 a.m. on Mondays. Yesterday I took overtime, today I’m on vacation (Tuesday I have 5 hours, Wednesday and Monday). Today, even just now, the 5 year old is still at home because the KiGa has conception day. Actually, I would have taken him to work with me today … but two are a bit much after all.
Tomorrow I’ll take the Lütten with me again, after we were only at the U9 with the big one (the KiA only gives morning appointments) and then hand it over to the KiGa. At noon the girlfriend from Lütten picks him up again and I can work without a child for about 2 hours until my 6 hours are full. Friday I exchanged my day off. Actually I would have Friday the next week. (I go to work next Friday and deprive myself of the pleasure of having breakfast with my girlfriend …)
Why isn’t my husband paying attention? If the children get sick overnight, only I am there early, he goes early at 6, so that he is there in the afternoon. On Mondays he goes with the Lütten e.g. for children’s gymnastics … and is usually the only dad there. (While I work until 4 p.m., 4:30 p.m. (barely) get the big one out of the KiGa, take him to the music school. In the hour he is there, do some shopping and then we all sit together at 6 p.m. at dinner table. But it is only Monday so stressful.)
My husband also had these two weeks of training. Since TaMu vom Lütten already told me today that it will probably also be canceled for the first few days next week, my husband will be able to take care of the children next week. My boss looked pretty annoyed Monday when I told him about my weekly schedule. He always asks about something like that, whether my husband can also take care of the children.
I have given up bad conscience. Nothing changes anyway.
Nor am I a mother who can imagine being at home with the children forever and 3 days. I would get stupid. But then I enjoy the individual days, like now.
(After the birth of the big one, I was, not entirely voluntarily, back to work full-time after 5 1/2 months. I was always asked if I didn’t think that was bad … because I exercised my right to breastfeeding breaks during work, I got it remaining 6 hours that my husband and son were no longer with, but somehow enjoyed. My husband took 11 months of parental leave after my 5 1/2 months.)
We are both in the public service. He works full-time, I on average 28 hours a week, with Fridays free every 2 weeks. If the little one is also in the KiGa, I will go a little higher.
Grandparents all live more than 500 km away. (My husband and I are actually ‘economic refugees’ … or migrant workers ?! We just started work in the ‘old’ federal states … also with the same ‘association’ …&# 128514)
We have a very nice and great family friend who especially ‘looks after’ our younger one. Our current model would not be possible without them.
Nancy
Hi there. Written just great. I am not a single mom .. but a working mom !! I have a very big resect in front of you !! It is amazing what you do. I think that’s one of the biggest tasks in the world !! admirable!!
Notyetaguru
Thanks, but I didn’t write that as a single parent post. I just wanted to show what a normal day with a child and work can be, you know that too. PS: I’m not good at compliments, sorry. LG
Blume22
Our children are 9-9-1 years old, I quickly worked with the twins again because I just wanted to do one thing at a time. And that went well with work. At that time we had an au pair for two years. I love working, but I also lost a good job because after three years of hard work "I come to every meeting" I didn’t want to go to an away date because there was a farewell party in kindergarten.
I have currently solved this balancing act in such a way that I accept part-time earnings and have no top jobs. This escapes us from valuable money, which is urgently needed in the big city. But I don’t stress anymore. I adapt my work to life circumstances, not the other way around! My husband is away on business trips throughout the week, which often feels like being a single parent. But I stay on the ball and I am very happy if I work again in a few years and then I will definitely change jobs.
Notyetaguru
I wish you all that everything works and a lot of strength. It is a pity that we women with children in Germany do so little in the job because we work differently for a while. I had written almost “less” work, but I deliberately don’t write it! It is simply the case that many part-time jobs are not at all: careers must also be possible in part-time. Part-time parents need more self-confidence and support in the company and in politics.
Working mom
So, I’ve been working much more effectively since I was a mother. Because I can’t afford to sit in the office until late at night. I have to go on time … Unfortunately, almost always me, because my husband is on shift duty. If I have appointments in the afternoon or on weekends, I have to know that beforehand, then my husband has to go.
With flexible working hours, this is actually possible full-time.
The fact is that I have male colleagues who complain that no one can understand them if they have to leave earlier and take time off because the child is sick. It’s the same with my husband.
As far as part-time is concerned, in some jobs this is really not so practical for the employer. It depends on the spot. I have two employees in TZ and find it very practical. Ultimately, they work together as more than a full-time employee that would do that &# 128521;
Notyetaguru
Yes, I see it the same way as you: With flexibility on both sides – a lot works full-time. And yes, men also complain about the lack of understanding. I know a father, when the employees were taken aback because he regularly picked up his child from the daycare center. I think we define performance, commitment and leadership too much by the hours worked and the presence in the office. The argument: I need you more here, or you always have to be present for a team to work or customers to be happy, I won’t accept. I worked for a client and customer for two years, both of whom were based in the Frankfurt area.
Very nice article, laughed out loud a few times. I also found the “Loser Managers” to be extremely good :-))
Personally, I am currently struggling with the fact that I want to change jobs and that is a really tough nut to do part-time.
After child no. 1 (8 years ago), my old employer "had to" take me back ", even part-time. The reduction in the number of hours was reflected in a lower base salary, since the area of responsibility was no longer the same … blablabla … but I could work from home one day a week, ok.
When child No. 2 came, “unfortunately” I couldn’t be offered a suitable part-time job, which ultimately led to the termination agreement including severance pay. So far ok.
I thought to myself: I’m just looking for something new. After about 6 months of unsuccessful job search (either only full-time was required or I was supposedly overqualified for the classic part-time positions), I placed an ad myself and ended up with a small company. I have not been happy there for a while and am looking for a new job – which is the same game as 5 years ago: “please full-time” or “overqualified”.
I know this is high level whining, after all I have a job and my husband earns pretty well.
However, in my opinion, flexibility is lacking in many companies. “Headcounts” and not working hours often count.
Maybe I will get the brilliant idea and I will start my own business at some point … e.g. as a foot therapist (sorry, but my daughter brought in the pun this evening: "Physiotherapists will definitely do something with their feet, right?" &# 128578; &# 128578; &# 128578; )
In this sense, a happy weekend
Manuela
If the standard working hours were generally lower, then mothers and fathers could take care of the children and the women would not end up in the poverty trap of old age. It is almost not possible in the current structures.
For me, self-employment was a good solution. But of course this does not apply to everyone. If there were still the proverbial village that you need to raise to be a child, that would be perfect.
You wrote a great text that speaks from the soul of many. Class! LG! Manuela
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