25 Oct Unintentionally childless – stop discriminating against us because of it!
And I got an email. On a rainy day, the following text ends up in my mailbox combined with the following sentences "Hello Ms. Ferber! I have read so many times on your Facebook page that you are looking for such stories. Maybe it also encourages others. In any case, it helps me a lot to learn from other victims what they have experienced and how they are now dealing with it. And even if it doesn’t quite fit, but I just had to send you a message. Thank you for all the encouraging words and the valuable work that you are doing for us wanting children. With kind regards!"
And then I start reading … and I am touched. And nod my head in agreement. And I’m sad. And then I’m happy. A change of emotions – yes, that’s how it is with the unfulfilled desire to have children. I thank the dear lady, who sums up so many aspects – and not least the one related to the menopause (exactly my thoughts!)!
I am now 29 years old. So far I have achieved everything in my life that I have set as my goal. School, education, studies ticked off. Met a wonderful man, fell in love with me, engaged and ultimately married three years ago. We are unspeakably happy and the love for each other increases every day. We have two cats, a wonderful family and a stable, great group of friends. If you look at exactly this situation, you can see that we are happy. Very happy.
I also have the honor of being the godmother of a wonderful little guy (just like my husband). He is now eight years old and asks me holes in my stomach at every meeting, laughs at me or cuddles with me. Tell me his worries, beautiful events and how much he loves "aunt and uncle". He was also the one who brightened up my life in the middle of a sad moment, shortly after the diagnosis of childlessness:
"It’s not bad if you don’t have children, because then you have more love for me and I’m happy about it!"
He is my little hero!
Nevertheless, there are still enough people who cannot understand exactly that. The family and friends have not only known since yesterday that we will not have children, for our part we have never made a secret of it and talked about it openly. Nevertheless, the comments and unqualified statements simply do not want to fall silent (even the fact that a couple has been together for so long and has no children is obviously not enough to turn on common sense to recognize that something may not be "right" here ).
I think every couple in this situation knows the comments:
"Can’t you or don’t you want?"
"If everyone thought so selfishly like you …"
"Who should pay your pensions?"
"Man is trying hard …"
"Is everything in order with your love life?"
"You don’t really understand what it means to be a woman until you have had a child."
"You should have had children. You are so great with them. "
"Having children was the best thing I’ve ever done."
"Who will take care of you when you are old?"
"Didn’t you want children?"
"Don’t you like children?"
"I bet you regret not having children."
"You could have adopted. Why didn’t you do that? "
"Oh, so you’ve got your career higher than having children."
There are also potential grandparents not spared with statements
"But your children really let themselves go with their grandchildren
"Oh … a couple of grandchildren would be nice …"
“So grandchildren are such a joy and bring so much happiness,
You don’t know what you’re missing … "
I have not only seen my mother sitting in the circle of her acquaintances with tears in her eyes once, when everyone reports about her grandchildren and the feeling of happiness as grandma and grandpa. Sometimes I have the feeling that the pain of her daughter not having a family is much greater for my parents than for me and my husband.
Thus, not only the childless have to bear the pain, but also their own parents …
The children’s hearts just fly to my husband. He seems to have "swallowed" a magnet, because the children from the circle of acquaintances / friends hang on him and they love him idolatrously. No visit anywhere without being immediately asked for and he does all the games and stupid things with the kids. When I watch him like this, the tears in my quiet closet come regularly. The fact that he tells me every day how much he loves me and that he is happy in this relationship does not help either. My husband is very easy with this situation, it doesn’t matter to him; in his eyes we are a family.
None of the moms and dads know what it means for a woman if she is confronted with the diagnosis (not very sensitive by my doctors at the time "Resign yourself to the fact that you will not have children") of never being able to become a mother Feeling guilty towards the partner plagues how many thoughts are about “releasing” the partner out of love so that the desire for a family is not withheld.
I think we women who are unwittingly childless are the only women in this world who want nothing more than to finally get through the menopause and finally grow old. Anti-aging is, at least for me, the anti-issue in two respects … I can’t wait to finally be 50 years old (regardless of whether I have wrinkles or cellulite – I can live with that!), Because then I won’t get rid of mine Environment with the child question "tortured", because that was done with a certain "maturity".
Apropos: no matter where and when in which environment and in which situation I move, all topics are about children and family. And you get to feel very clearly that, on the one hand, you can’t allow yourself an opinion on this topic. The whole thing runs under the motto: "If you do not know the practice, you can not speak to!"
Can’t have my own opinion? Why can’t and shouldn’t I talk about children in this society? Do childless people have no powers of observation to communicate criticism or praise? We all have enough families around us to be able to judge things by looking at the map. So I am "damned" to attend indifferently discussions and to sit still as a decorative accessory during coffee rounds, barbecues, birthdays, family celebrations etc..
How do you feel as childless? Lonely, very lonely and not belonging.
My gaze wanders every day in my living room into the photo corner, which everyone probably has in his apartment, in which all the photos are lined up nicely framed. I see my wedding pictures and the positive looks of me and my husband and I, who are looking forward to the future, regularly bring tears to my eyes. My family chronicle is completed with our wedding photo.
And still I’m happy. I have love in my life. And that’s the most important thing for me.
Yes, I am touched. Because dear R., who “only” reports from her life, has taken up the topics that drive so many of us childless women crazy and those that hurt. This is brave and honest and great! Because we all notice that not only do we have a “strange” environment – but somehow everyone. Because we realize that as a society you have to learn to deal with people who live outside the norm of society.
How refreshing and loving the words of R.’s godson appear – and yes, I think it is like this: we have a lot of love to give … we don’t give it to our own children; but we contribute to society. Because we have the time and the opportunity. And that is probably also a great social asset – and one that is far too often neglected: humanity, love and solidarity.
The little hero got to the point – we have to give love. And we do that – plenty.
Greetings to you, dear R. and thank you for these touching words!
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