Separation with child

How do I tell my child?

Happy family with mom, dad and the kids: that’s what many couples want. but sometimes it just doesn’t fit anymore, love is gone, the relationship is over. But because of the children they share, many couples ask: should we really separate? You should always keep one thing in mind: children are not married couples and everyone involved has the right to be happy. Above all, of course, your children – but you too.

The most important thing

If you have children, you shouldn’t carelessly separate. But children are also no reason to hold onto an unhappy relationship.
A separation is just as much a cut in life for children as it is for parents. Both parents should tell the child together that they will separate.
A separation with a child can physical and have psychological effects.
children have to feel, that her parents are still there.
In addition to friends or counselors, a psychologist can also help process the breakup.
Children should have their own room with their mother and father and feel welcome everywhere.
A lawyer, family counseling center or employment office provide information about the financial aid, that is for single parents.

Separation with child

If you have children, you shouldn’t carelessly separate. Sometimes a restart can help, marriage counseling or simply communication: you have to tell your partner what you are missing, otherwise they cannot respond.

(Duration: 5:57 minutes)

Children are not married

Of course children are too no reason to hold onto an unhappy relationship. This is especially true if the partner is violent or dependent on drugs or alcohol. But this also applies if you yourself are unhappy, the partner is not ready to change or maybe even cheats. Separation is not nice for children. However, it is often better than growing up in a disputed, emotionally cold home, in which the parents are unhappy and argue regularly.

The happiness of everyone involved

Have parents the right on own beautiful life and luck. This also applies if they have children. Children can handle separation. It is only important to be there for the children to talk to them about their fears. In addition, children should still be able to have contact with both parents. Because children love their mother and father.

The life of the parents is the book in which the children read.

Augustine Aurelius (354 AD – 430 AD)

What problems can arise with a separation with a child??

It is difficult for the parents to separate: hurt feelings, broken dreams and broken pieces of a life built together are often involved. One must rearrange your own life, yourself and your own Get your feelings under control, the Regulate finances. It is often difficult. However, one should not forget that separation is at least as painful for children. You are sad, you may even feel abandoned and lonely. For children, separation is just as much a cut in life as it is for parents: one parent is no longer there, the other parent is sad; maybe there is a move to the house.

Separation and children

What needs to be considered if you want to separate and have children?

For the common offspring separation is a change. Children often give it to themselves Blame for the separation of the parents. You feel abandoned and vulnerable, and develop strong fear of loss. However, many children feel caught up in a conflict of having to choose between their parents. You suffer from a conflict of loyalty. Children become tools of the parents, a buffer or a messenger between the parents. It affects the children. They sometimes develop imaginative strategies so that they do not have to choose between the parents or to please both. But that only conceals the fact that the child also suffers.

After separation, children can suffer from sleep disorders, fear of loss or lack of concentration. Many children get worse at school, show aggressive behavior, or wet at night. Some children withdraw and fear loss. Small children may react with stomach ache, while older children learn to play their parents off against each other.

Expert tip: Children can suffer from a separation, even if they do not show anything on the outside. It’s important, that both parents keep in touch and offer closeness, without restricting older children in particular.

How can parents help their children?

Communication is important, also for children. Of course, the age of the children plays a major role: a ten-year-old thinks differently than a five-year-old. But the following applies in any case: You shouldn’t leave children in the dark about what is happening. Children want to know, that her father no longer lives in the same house, but that he didn’t go because of his children and still loves her. Because especially small children initially relate a lot from the environment to themselves, so they quickly wonder whether the parents have separated because of the child. Parents should therefore prepare their children sensitively for the separation, look at them and show them that they will always be there for them. This applies to children of all ages.

(Duration: 5:50 minutes)

However, parents should do not expect the children to understand this step: Children always want mom and dad to stay together. A sensible separation with agreements, including discussions with the child, is important. It does not matter whether you have the sole right of residence. Parents have a responsibility towards the child and this has a right to both parents. Nor should the child be used as an instrument, for example to punish the mother-in-law who has always been hated by not being able to see her grandson. The child has its own ties to other people. Maybe his grandma or uncle loves it. Ultimately, it only hurts the child if you want to punish other people with a ban on contact.

It is important that neither parent neglects the children. You need mother and father. And it is also important that mother and father do not dump their feelings on the children or talk badly about the ex-partner. You are not the right person to handle a breakup. Because children always stand between the chairs because they don’t want to lose both parents. Conversely, if children are always in conversation with their parents and asked about their feelings and problems, then they also have the feeling that they can always come to their parents with their problems.

In addition, parents should clear agreements regarding the children, even if it is difficult in the initial phase of separation. The agreements should also be adhered to. Then the child knows that it is with dad every other weekend, that he can phone him every evening at 7 p.m. or that dad day is every Wednesday with nice things to do. Older children should get a say and get involved in the agreements and be able to express wishes. For smaller children, parents should make arrangements so as not to overwhelm them.

Children often change after a breakup. Parents should take that into account. For example, children who have previously stayed at home alone may suddenly want to accompany mom everywhere. It does not matter whether it is quick to go shopping in the shop in the neighboring village or to the bakery around the corner: parents should do this Take needs into account. Small children in particular are looking to be close to their parents after a breakup because they are afraid of being abandoned. Adolescents, on the other hand, often want more distance, look for partners in the circle of friends. That should also be accepted. At the same time, parents should keep a certain proximity so that the child knows that they always have contacts in the family.

Expert tip: Both parents should tell the child that they will separate. Small children often don’t understand the meaning of the words. Deeds are all the more important: children must feel that mom and dad are still there.

Help from the psychotherapist in case of separation with a child

Every year, around 150,000 to 200,000 children have to cope with the separation of their parents after a divorce. Added to this are the many illegitimate children whose parents separate. For all of them, the separation of the parents is a drama, a shock. The experience is connected with pain, anger, grief and fear of the future. All children suffer from separation of parents, regardless of their age.

More and more parents are able to manage themselves separate properly and the Not to involve children. Because parents remain a couple, even if they are no longer lovers. Sometimes parents just can’t get to their children. However, parents often harm their children as a result of the separation because they exploit them and involve them in the argument with their ex-partner. There are behavioral problems in the children. This is not due to the separation itself, but to the way parents deal with each other and with the child. Children often withdraw, make problems with themselves and are afraid to express their feelings. Some children even react with physical illnesses and pain or with wetting the bed. An outsider who can talk to the children about their fears and problems can help. In addition to friends or counselors, this can also be a psychologist.

Numbers show that around one in four children needs professional help after the parents have separated. Therapy can help children to get used to the new life situation. You learn to process the separation in conversations. Therapy also includes discussions with parents. Because they have to learn to handle the children properly, to be there for them and to support them.

Help with a breakup

This checklist gives you an overview of where and with whom you can get help after a separation.

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